First date - was I wrong?

[PinataHeeHaw]

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

Well you found out who he was pretty quickly.
I don’t see why a joke about pulling your knickers up is flirtatious. I would see that as just gentle humour.
His place was a shit tip. That’s how he lives.
He hasn’t had sex for a while. So basically you are you just there to provide it, not in any connective sense?
We can get carried away with how well we got on during a first date but let’s face it, we have all been on dates with men who have turned out to be awful,
Take it easy next time. And that’s just for safety first yourself.

Run a mile please OP.
This could have ended very badly.

Not all men are like this.

He is showing you he isn't prepared to respect your boundaries and will try to push.

You have learnt a valuable lesson regarding carrying dates on longer - go to another venue.

I hope you are okay the above must have been scary at the time.

The first no should have been accepted without complaint. There is no excusing it.
Although I will say suggesting going back to someone's house after a date is usually a signal for sex. If someone invited me back to there's after a date I would decline as I would see it as an invitation for sex.

I'd be grateful that he's shown who he is on the first date, a sleazy, dirty slimeball.

Throw this one back.

Gross and creepy. How some men think acting like this has a chance of getting them shagged baffles me.

We are in the 21st century and we should be able to go to a man’s house with him assuming it’s 100% a sexual invitation but unfortunately that not the case, so protect yourself OP.

He sounds like a dick but as far as I was aware “going back to yours/mine” is universal code for having sex. Still he should’ve stopped when you said no.

Her behaviour was extremely stupid

Women need to take some responsibility for their safety and not lead people on which may result in them being put in difficult/ possibly dangerous

The reason why I’m being a bit harsh is that she doesn’t seem to understand this

Coercion isn't consent.

He sounds like all the sulky husbands that we read about on here that act like they will die if their wives turn them down. They guilt and whinge and act like overgrown toddlers.

Honestly the fact that he tried to get on top of you AFTER you told him multiple times you didn't want sex is actually quite scary. And continuing after you turn away?

It wasn't your fault. He is an adult with ears and a brain. All this "leading men on" business is just the script of rape apologists. No wonder marital rape was legal til the 90's. Bloody disgusting.

And also sex shouldn't be assumed. I've gone back to houses after dates and we've had a drink and chatted. We are all adults. We can use our words and ask. Ignore PP.

Yeah this. If a man said let's go back to mine/yours, I'd totally assume we are talking sex.

He's a creep - and no is shouldn't mean you were signalling sex. but you didnt know him, and tbh you put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. He could have been a very dangerous person.

Please take care in the future.

This 100%.

Let's look at this from another angle - if someone was on here saying they've been asked for a first date with someone who's invited them over their house for a first date, wouldn't we all be shouting "don't go, he's just after sex?"

I don't think victim blaming is OK but I also don't think pretending certain behaviour isn't risky is OK too. The OP made a mistake in suggesting going back to one of their houses but of course at the moment she made it clear (when inside the house, not on the walk before where she may well have then changed her mind by saying "let's go back to one of our houses"!) that she didn't want sex, he should have immediately stopped and all the rest is just awful and he was totally in the wrong and I'm sorry for you OP.

Please don't suggest anything like going to someone's house or not being in a public place on a first date again.

No you weren't.
Please don't go on a second date with this guy.

I would suggest she doesn’t go on anymore dates until she learns to have some sense and stops being so naive, she put herself in a position that could have ended up with quite serious consequences

Did you lead him on?
N⭕ W🅰️Y
Nothing except "I want to f you" (or "I want you to f me") is leading him on!

OP had already said that she wouldn't be having sex on a first date. Depending on the tone and certainty with which this was said, and a lack of any sexual behaviour during the date previously, then I would say that going back to someone's house isn't an automatic signal that sex is going to happen. Talking about your knickers isn't flirty either (I have ADHD and am a bit prone to the TMI when my mouth is in gear). And he could have asked whether she'd changed her mind before starting to try to kiss and grope her. His lack of recent sexual encounters isn't OPs problem.

Yes, going back to his house wasn't the best move, but given that the 'no sex' conversation had been had and reiterated, he was completely in the wrong to assume he was going to have it. He was thinking with his dick entirely, which, along with the filthy house, does NOT make him sound like great dating potential.

I think it's really weird and inappropriate to suggest to a first date that you go back to one of your homes. You don't know them or how safe they are, and the suggestion can absolutely easily be misunderstood. With that said, when you say no, it means no, and there's no ambiguity about it.

seeing it from a different angle at least you know from the off what a creep he is instead of going on a few more dates wasting your time. Just put it down to experience and move on

OP sorry things went south like that.

There's a telling contrast b/w what he said and what you're saying on here: he 'hadn't had sex for ages', you 'have been single for ages'. It does sound like notwithstanding the chemistry you're after different things.

I was trying to think of charitable interpretations of his entitled behaviour, until I read the bit where he climbed on top of you even after you'd already said there'd be no sex. I don't know how you'd get over that.

Maybe if he comes across with an unprompted fulsome apology.... other than that, it's 'block+delete' I guess (last time I dated was pre-OLD...) Better luck next time. No they aren't all like that, but the commentary on online dating on here suggests you do need luck.

I can get why he would assume that. If a guy suggested going to his I would assume he wanted to have sex (but then I have never been on a “walk in the park” date.)

All of this.
Going back to a strangers house on a first date and getting physical could definitely be interpreted as wanting sex.
But no means no.

No you didn’t lead him on.

I wouldn’t blame him for trying it on. But when you said No he should have accepted that gracefully not ruined things by implying you were at fault for going back to his.

His comment about “not having had sex for ages” would lead to him never hearing from me again though as it sounds like that is the main thing he is after.

Tbh men don’t care or likely remember what you have said before, only what’s happening in the moment. So from his pov, you had no issues mentioning your knickers and then were the one to mention going back to one of your houses. In the modern world, I can see why he felt he was getting the green light. To give him the benefit of the doubt, I wouldn’t necessarily say this means he always only ever wanted sex. So, I’m pretty introverted and struggle with social events but when I first met my ex and we we got talking, (after many years of being single also much of it due to my pickiness), I fell for him like no other and just fell extremely hard for his looks, personality and charm and I’m telling you if he asked me back to his, I would have absolutely broken my ‘no sex on a first date’ rule but that doesn’t mean I only ever wanted him for this.

However, no means no and I’m not sure about his reaction and there may well be a red flag more so there.

Yes suggesting that you go back to one of your houses could have indicated sexual intentions on your part in some circumstances but this was a situation where you'd said you didn't want sex in your original texts, then said it again during the walk and a couple of times when you got back to his house, and turned away when he tried to kiss you. And yet he thought it ok to touch you sexually and climb on top of you and try to persuade you by saying he hadn't had sex for a long time!! I don't think any man worth developing a relationship with would do that to a woman. Wouldn't he be concerned she might feel this was sexual assault?

BTW you said 'his hands started wandering' but I think he wandered them where he'd been told they weren't wanted.

How do all women think?

I don’t think it was a good idea to go back to his house on the first date but either way he was a twat for assuming it meant you wanted sex.
I definitely wouldn’t want to see him again given what you said about his house. Such a turn off.