First date - was I wrong?

[PinataHeeHaw]

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

The question OP asked wasn’t “was it wrong of him not to stop immediately?” though.
I think everyone on here will agree. Of course it was wrong of him, even if things had gone much further. OP can withdraw consent at any time. Of course.

But OP didn’t ask that. She asked us “did I lead him on?”
And in the circumstances described lots of us think that her messages to him were confusing at first. He could easily have got the wrong idea, and clearly did. He then behaved badly when she said no, which was completely his fault and not hers.

I don’t see the problem in answering the question OP asked.

I think you're incredibly rude. What the hell age are you

I don't think anyone is victim blaming, but like it or not, women have to take precautions if they want to stay safe.
If every man was decent and respected women, it wouldn't be an issue, but a minority of men are not, and till we get to know someone, how can we tell?

I dont think you understood the op, or many of the answers. You seem to be answering the wrong question

Why do men ALWAYS think that going to your or his house automatically means you want sex?! Jesus Christ. I have had this happen so many times when I've been dating and it is utterly tiresome.

I'm female and if I went to someone's house on a FIRST date or invited him to mine I would be thinking of something sexual happening. It definitely gives a signal. I would never go to someone's house on a first date if I didnt like the thought of him coming on to me, would be too risky a situation to be in.

Exactly.
Would you walk down a dark alley with a man you barely knew, get in his car? If you would, you are silly and not looking after yourself.
If you get raped is it your fault....no, it's his, 100%...but if you had looked after yourself better, you wouldn't have been raped, assaulted, whatever a predator does to you, in the first place.

I'm actually disgusted at your post hypothetically blaming a woman who was raped. Shame on you. Good job he didn't take it any further yesterday or it'd all have been my fault, right, because poor man can't help himself, despite me making abundantly clear before the date by text message and during the date that I don't do sex that early on.

How can you possibly read that from their post when it clearly states its 100% not your fault if that was to happen!

Yes, they absolutely should. And any decent man would. God forbid it ever happens, but if you had been raped, it would be solely the fault of the rapist. You would bear no responsibility at all for his actions. The victim of a crime, any crime, is not at fault for what happened to them. BUT that doesn’t mean you are relieved from the need to take precautions for your own safety.

There’s a reason we have locks on our doors and windows. We don’t leave our drinks unattended. We don’t get in cars with strange men. And that reason is because lots of men are not decent. They will pretend to be decent. They will manipulate and lie to you so that you feel safe. And then they will hurt you. That absolutely is not your fault. It doesn’t matter where you are, what you wore or how much you had to drink. It’s still their fault. 100%. No exceptions. But if you are going to pretend that you’re perfectly safe in a complete stranger’s home simply because you’ve made it clear that you don’t intend to have sex, and he should respect that, then I don’t know what to say to you. We have enough risks to our safety from the men we know, let alone adding to those risks with complete strangers.

And why are you texting men before your date to tell them you dont have sex on first dates? Just meet in a public place for a soft drink then say your goodbyes and there is no need for no sex instructions. If your that worried about being taken advantage of that you need to keep stating no sex- then why on earth would you go back to his (a stranger's) house on the first date? Something ain't adding up!

Do you need to go to Specsavers?

"If you get raped is it your fault....no, it's his, 100%."

Did you not read the post properly?

I am out of the loop when it comes to dating, but to text a man prior to meeting, to tell him you don't have sex on a first date ... then to bring it up again when you meet, sounds very odd to me.

He wanted to have sex, you didn't- doesn't matter why and it doesn't matter who is right.

You can withdraw your conset for sex at any time. No-one is entitled to sex (even if you have paid for it).

OP what do you want from this thread?

You went on a first date and your behaviour sounds ill advised. You weren't raped yet you keep mentioning 'what if I was raped?' you weren't. You have mentioned victim blaming. Victim of what? Inviting yourself home to someone's house for a snog/ fumble and not having exactly matching expectations? Ok, he was weird and pushy. You left. You probably should have left sooner. The point is, this was a stranger. It was a bad idea to go to his house. It did give the impression that even if not open to sex, you were interested in getting closer. He was a boor but you made a series of bad decisions.

You have to look out for yourself. You can say all you like 'but I should be able to go anywhere with anyone'. That is a fantasy and you're not helping yourself. What made you think it was a good idea to go? Women on here have learnt from experience, not judgement yet you are digging your heels in on some unclear point on what should be rather than how life actually is.

You seem to want to world to pretend it was a safe idea to go home with a strange man after a strange discussion about sex. It wasn't. Much better to maintain the reality, for all women that they need to be responsible for their own safety alongside better justice for SA victims, and education for boys and men.

You're not the first to find yourself somewhere vulnerable and think 'oh shit, this may not have been a great idea'. But you have to learn from it or you keep finding yourself in mess.

And yes, why was sex even discussed prior to a first date? First dates are for seeing whether you actually like the person and want to meet again. Sex isn't presumed at all.

once you said you didn’t want to have sex that should have been it. End of.

No,no. You said, "If you get raped is it your fault...no, it's his...but..."

The "but" is the issue, and is the point where your first sentence doesn't align with the rest of what you said.

@NovemberMorn As a teen I walked down a dark alley with a man I had just met. I was raped. It's taken me over two decades of mental health issues, serious self harm, and suicide attempts to know it wasn't my fault. Please don't make such flippant remarks. Women sometimes do unsafe things. That doesn't mean that some of the fault lies with them. Your sentence about it being his fault just feels like you're paying lip service so that you don't come across as a victim blamer. But ultimately the rest of your reply suggests you believe otherwise.

The 'but' is the advice part not a blaming part. The OP here does need good advice by the sounds of it.

There is no question that if a man rapes you, HE is 100% to blame....I really don't see why you are confused by that statement.

The 'but' was, if women take care, there is less chance of a rapist having the opportunity to rape.
I am sorry you had such a horrendous experience, but knowing what you know now, do you not think it's wise to warn other women to keep themselves safe as much as they are able to?

That is not victim blaming....it's giving good advice.

I wasn't confused, I was trying to explain that the "but" - for me - took the sincerity out of that comment.

I think I'm allowing my own experiences and stupid, reckless decisions cloud my thoughts and responses here, so I'm going to tap out.

I sincerely apologise if I have upset or offended anyone on this thread. X

I doubt many people have not made reckless, stupid decisions in life, especially when they are young, but it's through our own experiences we can hopefully help others.

I would have loved a website like this when I was a teenager to get advice and perspectives from women who had been there and done that. Things you might not have asked IRL. Blunt honest responses people might not give IRL.

Yes, this is all odd.
I can’t imagine discussing sex in any shape or form by text before meeting someone.
I feel sorry for OP who is clearly naive but the date sounds awful.
A bullet dodged.