First date - was I wrong?

[PinataHeeHaw]

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

I disagree. Going back to someone's house doesn't mean you have to automatically drop your knickers.

Why did you see his bed??

He gave me a tour.

I did not say that.

I said that it could lead someone to believe that sex could be on the cards, if you disagree with that then I think you are very naive

I’d never go to a man house on a first date. And I certainly would never go to his house if sex was off the table. I wouldn’t expect to have sex.

Well they do say you should air your bed but even so, you dodged a bullet

Well I wouldn't see him again but you also need to have more sense around your personal safety. He's an arse, learn a lesson

I also pulled up my knickers which he caught me doing while we were walking. I had a dress on so couldn't let them fall. We laughed and I told him I was just pulling my knickers up and when I refused him sex, he said that me saying that made him think I was up for sex too.

OK, at least you didn't lie on it

Honestly you could have been totally up for sex but changed your mind at any point and still be well within your rights. It's obviously fine to say no, stop at any point. Any coercion after that is very much his bad.

Between the boundary pushing and the disgusting house if I were you I'd be feeling really glad I hadn't had sex with him and also a bit lucky that he didn't turn out even pushier.

Don't see him again and tell him why.

@PinataHeeHaw

I kept turning away when he tried to kiss me. I told him swx wasn't going to happen numerous times. He then climbed on top of me but did get off when I told him to

This is awful behaviour from him, climbing on top of you?! Even when you're clearly trying to avoid kissing him, and you've said no to sex?
Horrible man. You did nothing wrong except maybe be a bit naive about going back to his house.

Women think like women. They don't know how men think. It takes time and experience for a woman to have any idea of what goes on in a man's head, and by the time they find out it's often too late ~ there's one in the house! Op, you just wanted a chat in the warm. He heard what you said in a language you both speak, and thought you were dtf. You said precisely what you meant and he thought you were dtf. Tbh, you could probably have told him your feet were killing you and he'd have thought you were dtf. So it goes. You weren't leading him on.

In an ideal world we should all be able to say/dress/go where we want and it wouldn't put expectations in other ppl for sex. Reality is that it can be a very dark world,OP please please view this as a near miss and keep yourself safe. Even as an adult tell someone where you're going and who with, or keep to public places until you are as sure as you can be that you are comfortable with the date.

I've done a lot of dating and no means no however I would suggest simply not going home unless have sex in mind (although of course you can change your mind). Just simplest. I think that unless you're teenagers and you're going home for a heavy petting session, yes, that is what it suggests. Not to say you're obliged but what's the point having to deal with a mismatched expectation when a date is going well?

If you say 'no sex' but carry on with kissing and a bit of cuddling then 'no sex' can be received loud and clear, but you may not have the same things in mind in terms of the degrees of contact in between and it all can become a bit weird and messy. Such as him ending up sat on your knee.

Live and learn. I've just found this to be the easiest way rather than set boundaries as you go with a near stranger. Next time, find a pub or coffee shop.

No OP, not all men are like this. I've been in that situation many times, and felt uncontrollably horny in the moment. Truth is though, i need a bit of familiarity, trust and connection beyond a first date to sleep with someone. Lots of men will be up for it obviously, but some won't. You were very clear, and to be honest, that's the point he needed to respect you, and go get his gropey paws in the grubby shower to cool off if needed. It's not that hard. Pushing anything beyond the first "no", is rude, tacky, disrespectful, likely illegal, and if he's like this on a first date, i wouldn't pursue it further. Some men don't really see women as people. Rediculous as that might sound.

No one's saying it means you have to. But until she said she didn't want sex, it could of course have been inferred that she did want it - getting on great, she says let's go back to one of our places, they start making out... He's not making a big leap to think she wanted it too. Of course she didn't have to and of course he should have stopped as soon as she made her feelings clear. But if she wants to avoid ignorant horny men climbing on her in their shit-tip homes, best to wise up and stick with the general rule to keep things in public for the first dates until you know much better who each other are. As a PP said, thank god she didn't take him back to hers, which would've given him her address.

He's a creep (and a dirty one at that!). Block and move on. Not all men are like this

And take some precautions for your own safety next time.

Why were your knickers falling down??

I think this has turned out to be a good thing. He’s shown you who he really is without you having to waste time or get your hopes up with a second or third date.

Except for naively talking about her knickers whilst on the date and then suggesting they go back to one of their houses to get warm…..silly nonsense

🤮
I sincerely hope that you've blocked him.
None of that was your fault. Please stay safe next time and don't go to the home of a man you've known for a few hours. It's just not worth it.

You're not very nice.

I also made it clear while walking that I wasn't up for sex on the first date whatsoever and even in the days texting before the date, I told him I don't have sex before I know someone well. He was very aware.

On a note of levity, HE CLIMBED ON YOU. This is giving me ungainly Frank Spencer vibes aka the ick to end all icks.

The guy’s a joke, OP. You’ve lost no face.

Frank Spencer vibes 😂