First date - was I wrong?

[PinataHeeHaw]

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

I don't think him climbing on her is funny. It's horrible, esp in that grotty home, and could be scary. No one even knew where she was. It's very naive and a salutory lesson for OP.

Of course suggesting going back to someone’s house is an invitation to have sex. So him assuming that’s what was going to happen doesn’t make him a creep.

But he became a creep once you made it clear you didn’t want to do anything.

This. Far easier and safer not to put yourself in the position where dodgy behavior can arise with someone you don't know than question if their behavior was dodgy afterwards.

The fact he felt the need to keep trying it on/groping you and trying to get a sympathy fuck after you refused him is not a good sign.

'I've not had sex for ages..' Diddums.
Not 'oh, you're so sexy, you've got lovely hair/eyes/ you're stunning'.. maybe cheesy but at least he should be trying to compliment you!?

And then trying to make it out like you're obliged to do it because you walked into his crap hole of an abode?

Definitely chuck that one right back.

You were, in a phrase, talking in clean and he was listening in dirty. You could have said that you just wanted to put the milk bottles out and he would have thought that was code for 'we're going to have sex'. It sounds as though he'd made up his mind the second you said that you'd go back to his house, that you were going to have sex. When he could have just asked you at that point if you'd changed your mind about saying you wouldn't have sex on a first date, even if he'd asked it jokingly.

He was entirely in the wrong and jumped to conclusions simply because he was horny. Then tried to get you to give in to pity sex. Urgh.

That's not gaslighting.

I agree with both points.

No you didn't lead him on. You didn't give consent.

Personally, him getting the wrong idea isn't a problem. Anyone could misinterpret a situation and start trying to go further physically than the other person is comfortable with. The huge issue is that he didn't immediately apologise and back off when you said no.

He sounds horrible.

I do see why he could interpret it as meaning let’s go have sex. I would suggest going to warm up in a pub/cafe rather than someone’s house for the first few dates.

But of course he should have stopped THE MOMENT you said you weren’t up for sex, apologised for misinterpreting what you meant, and changed the topic. Continuing to pester you for sex is awful, creepy behaviour.

At least you know quickly not to carry on with this one, and to be more cautious next time.

Well talking about your knickers on a first date with a stranger is overfamiliar. Starting to think this is a wind up post.........

I’m trying to make the OP feel like less of a victim and bad about herself. If we can laugh at him, maybe that will mitigate some of the blame other posters are putting on her.

Thats what he is. A laughable little fuck.

Sad to say that he never saw you as a person only an object to have sex with. If he's been told multiple times you aren't interested in sex on a first date, ALL of the sexual advances were wrong for him to do. Blaming you for comments about your knickers or going to his place are just him trying to mitigate his awful behaviour. It gives me chills that he thinks it's ok to jump on top of you when you have told him numerous times and were actively avoiding him trying to kiss him. Whatever your age, dating experience or wherever you are, nobody has the right to do this to someone! 😡

Some excellent victim blaming here 👏. She did absolutely nothing wrong. Even if she had gone back to his with sex in mind (which she didn't, and sound like she made that very clear) at any point it would still be okay to change her mind.

It's not silly and she shouldn't have 'known better.' The man shouldn't have presumed going back to his and adjusting her underwear was code for sex.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet op, between the dirty flat and not being supportive of your boundaries, red flags this one.

But she's not a victim. She put herself in an unpleasant situation and could have left at any point. Nothing really happened.

Is it making you feel good about yourself, belittling the OP? She’s clearly had a rough time, with a man who - regardless of anything she did or didn’t do - didn’t respect her enough to make sure she felt comfortable and safe before going all out on an assumption she’d already clarified was incorrect. This is on him, not her. Making her feel shit about herself doesn’t make anything better, it just makes you look unkind.

OP, I’m sorry this happened. Hope you’re okay

Absolutely nothing to laugh about. Being in a vulnerable position with a man she hardly knows is not funny. It could have ended much, much worse

Read the OP’s post of 12.07. Doesn’t sound like a confident assertion of self to me.

She’s clearly upset by what happened. Christ.

I think most men would jump to the conclusion that it means sex. However most women would not!

Glad OP took the message as intended.

Put it behind you as much as possible, OP, and have a fab BH weekend. He’s nothing. Not all men are like this, I promise.

His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that

No, you shouldn't look past that. My ex's place was a shit tip and I ignored it and it later turned out he really was a slob. He had various excuses for why his house was a tip and I naively believed him.

.When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex

He should have stopped as soon as you said you didn't want sex on the first date.
You were naive. You need to think about your safety more because this could have ended up much worse. You didn't know him. You suggested going back to one of your houses "to warm up" (that could be interpreted wrongly too...), and went back to his. You didn't know him, you'd only just met him, you were going back to a place you didn't know. It would have been much wiser to suggest going into a pub or coffee shop or even a shopping centre if it was too cold outside.

I really hope you'll not see him again. He isn't coming across well here.

There's a middle ground between the realist (if you don't want sex, don't talk about your knickers and suggest going back to his/hers to get warm) and idealist takes (do/say anything as long as you say no at some point and all will be well). If OP wants it to not happen again, it's best to take the realist lessons on board, while also believing that the idealist take can and should be true. So it's not that OP did something wrong, but if she wants to be safe in future, do it differently.

No you weren't.
Please don't go on a second date with this guy.