First date - was I wrong?

[PinataHeeHaw]

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

I’m not delusional! I’m savvy!! If a bloke said to me ‘Come back to mine and let’s warm up or I’ll warm you up’ I would instantly think ‘Oi Oi, I know what he’s after!’

I didn’t say it was a euphemism, it’s not. I said there were sexual connotations with that phrase.

Jesus, @Blueskies25 , stop hounding the poor woman. You have made your point over and over - do you really think continuing to have a go at her will make a difference.

@PinataHeeHaw I’m glad you found out what a slob and a letch he is so quickly. You said before you met you would not have sex, you repeated it on the walk and you’re right, it was bloody freezing for a while this morning.

“Let’s go back to yours” is an indication sex is an option after a late night date, maybe a drink or two. Not at half ten on a cold morning after a coffee and an overt clarification you do NOT want sex.

I’m sure you won’t go back to a stranger’s house again in future, and will be more cautious after this dickhead.

Enjoy your bank holiday weekend.

We all agree that no means no and that the guy should have stopped when OP say no. No one here says otherwise. All we're saying is that some men out there weren't raised like your sons and don't follow the rules you've set. No one is endorsing their behaviour. That doesn't stop it being the sad reality we live in and have to negotiate to stay safe and alive.

Yes, suggesting that you both go back to one of your houses might indicate that you were up for sex.

But that's completely negated by saying 'sex isn't going to happen'...in that case the other person, if they'd assumed sex was on the cards, should have been thinking 'oh shit, they literally meant coffee/ getting warm' and backed off. Not tried again a few more times, despite clearly being told no, and someone turning away from kisses etc. They should not be trying to force things at all, and certainly not off the back of trying to follow through on an incorrect assumption that they made.

... posted too soon.

It is OK to go to a man's house on the first date if you are looking for an afternoon hook up. Someone mentioned the 'apps men,' and I'm sure there are apps specifically for that and some women use them.

I still think it is a question of personal safety and not victim blaming.

If you were at a bus stop waiting for a bus that took you directly to the train station and a man suddenly pulled up in his car and ask 'Do you want a lift to the station, love, do you want to hop in?'

Would you get into the car?

I know I wouldn't. I'd thank him graciously but say that I am waiting for my friend as we are both getting the bus to the station together (protective white lie). I certainly wouldn't get into a car with a stranger however nice he/she seemed. Sometimes it is better to err on the side of caution and not put yourself in a position of danger. Isn't that what we teach children or used to?

It absolutely is not irrelevant to her post?!?
It’s extremely relevant

Exactly.

It’s better to face reality than wishful thinking.

But why not step into a loo somewhere to adjust undergarments?

Discretion is never amiss.

He and his house sound grim. What were you supposed to say when he said he hadnt had sex for ages - oh ok that's persuaded me. eugh

I remember years ag when I was in a club - and had been drinking. A guy I sort t of knew had been chatting and the club was closing . I invited him back to mine for coffee. I then had a bit of a panic and said when I say coffee - I mean coffee - not anything else - just coffee - do you like coffee - I have tea too but you know coffee. He said when you said do you fancy a coffee - I assumed you meant coffee. Coffee and just coffee is fine. He was about 24 at the time and it was back in the 80s - you're either a creepy pest who assumes things or your not. Let alone you categorically told him no - to his face.

I guess I'm referring to posters who seem to be saying that OP 'should have known' what the expectations were and blaming her for going to 'warm up'.

Please stop blaming the woman. Please.

SHE didn’t give mixed messages. HE heard mixed messages (to suit his agenda).

By all means say the OP might want to be more vigilant next time, do things differently, but in now way should anyone be berating, scolding, blaming, showing anger towards the OP for what some bloke interpreted.

She's not blaming women? What we are all saying is that suggesting going home with a first date CAN be interpreted - by men AND women. We have to stop treating women like ignorant, little, poor children that should never be held accountable for anything. OP made a mistake, and she got off lucky, but there is nothing wrong in warning her about the dangers of going home with men we don't know, on the first date.

Everyone also agree that this douche bag is a creep and totally in the wrong.

With respect, @Arancia, you’re not “all” saying that. A decent handful of people are bashing the OP, relentlessly, over and over again. That’s not necessary.

With the knickers thing, he caught me hoiking them up ever so slightly over my dress as they were slipping down. I don't have hips as such that keep them up! I'm forever doing in. My dress was long, I showed absolutely no flesh whilst doing it and he caught me doing it and we had a laugh as his shorts were also slipping down slightly as we walked. I wasn't being sexy in the slightest whilst doing it. I probably looked a bit of a dick, in fact, but it needed doing. I put my knickers on that slip down the least this morning (next size down after smallish weight loss) and thought they'd be OK. I'm fat and my knickers are always rolling down over my rolls of fat!

Also wanted to say thank you to everyone for supportive comments. Much appreciated. I'll be much careful in future. It's my first proper date after leaving a ten year relationship in 2018 and my ex, even for all his sins, was a gentleman when it came to respect with sex and me saying no, so I'm rusty with men.

I went on a 2nd date yesterday. Plan was meeting his him drive bowling he paid i didnt pay anything. Then bk to his for a Chinese takeaway. I had to.leave at 1130 due to mum.babysitting. anyways after takeaway put lucifer on and it was clear sex was on his mind. Hair stroking back stroking I cuddled into him etc we did have sex and going to his I anticipated it. After he said just because he invited me back it didn't mean we had to he hadn't presumed anything haha whatever but yea you don't have to do anything you don't want to

Absolutely not blaming the OP for the behaviour of her 'date'. That was down to him entirely.

As an aside, your knickers shouldnt roll down just because you're fat. For your own dignity and comfort, get thee to a supermarket and buy a cheap packet of the correct sized high rise knickers!

I’ve never heard of anyone whose knickers keep falling down when they’re just walking down the street. That’s not normal op. Get a different type!

Hard agree! I've had tights that might need hoiking up if the length's not quite right, but knickers shouldn't be falling down no matter what size/shape you are.

Exactly this.

I am absolutely gob smacked by some of the responses here. And from fellow women, none the less!

@PinataHeeHaw You could have explicitly said "let's go back for sex" and you could have gotten bollock naked, even. You could have kissed and touched one another intimately. But the minute you say "no" it means fucking "NO". That's not leading him on. That's not putting yourself in danger. It's nothing more than changing your mind, and the second consent is removed, he should stop. A man may try the, "oh, but whyyyyy," crap, but you say "no" again and that is that. The posters here saying "let's get warm" means "sex" are ridiculous. And even if it does hint at it, you still ultimately said no. His responses and his sulking (!) are an issue for him, not for you. You did nothing wrong at all, and I'm glad that he ultimately did listen to you.

Anyone that says otherwise are exactly the same as the, "what were you wearing?" victim blamers that I thought were now a very rare breed, but reading this post makes me think otherwise. It's disgusting.

Thank you 😊

It’s possibly to not disagree with what you’ve said here r.e. consent i.e. no means no, even if you’re naked in his bed, and still think it’s good advice for women to take precautions on dates and not trust a man they don’t know. Giving advice such as “avoid going to a stranger’s house on a first date” is NOT victim blaming, any more than advising a victim of car theft not to park their car on certain streets, is victim blaming. It’s just sound advice, because we don’t live in a perfect, crime-free world. Why is that hard to understand?