First date - was I wrong?

[PinataHeeHaw]

I recently went on a first date with someone I got talking to. We went for a lovely walk and coffee and got on brilliantly. We didn't stop talking and laughing and there was definitely a spark.

It got really cold, so I suggested going back to one of our houses, and we decided to go back to his. His house was a shit tip, but I can perhaps look past that. When at his house, we were sat on the sofa and he started kissing me. He got aroused and his hands started wandering. I told him I wasn't up for sex on a first date. He said he hadn't had sex for ages and his hands started wandering a few more times. I decided it best to leave. He said me suggesting we go to one of our houses was suggestive of wanting sex. I don't see it that way. Just it was bloody cold and we were getting on so well I didn't want the date to end and it seemed neither did he. Did I lead him on?

You've every right to decline sex at any time for any reason, he was wrong to push your boundaries.

However, going back to a house is often a sign that you want to make things sexual in dating, so to avoid awkwardness I would usually go to a cafe, or make a light hearted comment (like "let's go to yours, just cos it's freezing - don't get any ideas!") to clarify my intentions. Tbh staying in public places until you know them better is the safer option.

She came here asking for advice and people are being straight with her because she doesn’t seem to understand

Him getting the wrong end of the stick is understandable. Him doing anything other than being totally fine with it when you clarify is grim.

At least you found out I guess. No more dates wasted on him. Ugh.

Just saw this post, sorry. Yuck. It's one thing getting your hopes up and being disappointed, but he behaved very badly there.

Seriously naive/silly. You're fucking lucky that nothing more serious happened.

There’s being straight with her and there’s being unkind. Plenty of posters have been supportive with good advice for moving forward, and yet managed to avoid insulting her intelligence across multiple posts.

Stop trying to lead her to believe that there was nothing wrong with her behaviour, she needs to learn from this so she doesn’t put herself in a position of potential danger again

OP had already said that she wouldn't be having sex on a first date

People can change their minds at any time for any reason. This works both ways. So saying it upfront is good, but if you're both getting on so well that you want the date to 'go on' as the OP did, and wanted to go back to one of theirs, then that would conceivably override the original plan/rule for no sex on first date. Better to stick with the rule to stay in a public place on first dates and then sex clearly isn't an option.

Why didn’t you just stand up and walk out?

Bloody hell, what a pig, still tried to push his luck even after you had told him that you did not want to have sex. It's that old cliche, when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. Don't see him again, he will just assume that this means you are ready and willing to sleep with him. I hope you meet someone who respects and values you

I totally disagree with this. I've had quite a few women actually in my bed(never mind just back to my house), who at that point decided not to go ahead with sex. After a bit of making out, i usually say something along the lines of "would you like to take this further?", and i'm looking for an enthusistic "yes" either through words or actions. I continue looking for cues and clues that we're both having a great time throughout the experience too, always listening for a verbal or physical que to stop, or slow down, or back up a bit. Consent doesn't have to be a written contract, or even verbal, to be confidently established, and any bloke that doesn't approach sex from that shared pleasure perspective, isn't a wise choice. It's a very big assumption that coming back to mine means sex, in my opinion.

Well it goes without saying that when you said no, he should have stopped immediately.

But yes. It was a foolish thing to do, suggesting you should go to either of your houses on a FIRST date and lots of men would have taken that to mean sex was on the Agenda. Kind of mixed messages, from the sound of it

It was a tip and he showed you round? he sounds very odd and you have had a lucky escape by all accounts

I don't think we're getting the full story here to be honest. It doesn't ring true as it's been told to use by the OP.

You were completely clear from the very start - there's really no more to say.
This is all on him

I dont think thats what the poster meant. It is a common way to signal you are interested in sex..back to mine for a “coffee” .but thats not to blame the OP. He thought he was getting lucky and as soon as OP corrected him he should have stopped.

agree, reading that made my skin crawl

Yet another jerk who doesn’t understand that NO means NO!!!! You’re better off without a bloke who thinks, just because he hasn’t had sex for a while the next female to cross his threshold is up for a shag! Lucky escape from a disrespectful twat!

And that's great and you're how it should be, but we're talking about first dates here so there's no way of knowing if the guy is a wise choice or not, hence can't assume he's like you or if he's like many who would take 'going back to yours' as meaning they're up for it. Unfortunately women have to operate in the real world and protect themselves until all men have got with the programme, one day...

To the primeval male brain this was at minimum a mixed message - they are not very subtle on the whole, when young especially.

It is the whole story and I did get up after I had told him I didn't want sex three times and he told me he hadn't had sex in ages and climbed on top of me. I got up and told him I was leaving. That was that.

You sound absolutely lovely. I wish he had been like you.

Thank you for your kindness.

The knickers thing was him noticing I did it really. Nothing flirtatious in that and I very discretely pulled them up. They're granny knickers to hold my belly in. Nothing sexy about them!