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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

414 replies

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 07:56

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

OP posts:
StonwEd · 03/05/2025 08:00

I think he retaliated in a similar manner - I don’t want to be unkind but what you said was awful and I’m trying to imagine my husband’s reaction to that. He wouldn’t have said the best friend comment but then I’d never have said this… argh, think you just need to make up and somehow try and forget what you both said, what on earth were you thinking 🫣

Pashazade · 03/05/2025 08:00

You need to apologise, as does he. I’m afraid this was tit for tat and neither of you should have said what you did. No his comment wasn’t great but I can see that it was heavily sarcastic and you obviously hurt his feeling by implying that you’d imagined sex with one of his friends (your phrasing suggests you’ve considered it even if you haven’t and he won’t have had much brain room for nuance if you’d both been drinking) and you started it. So apologise, draw a line under it and move on.

Zeitumschaltung · 03/05/2025 08:00

No, yours was worse on two levels (that you brought it up first and that you’ve imagined being in bed with his friend rather than just looking in public). You need to apologise.

Katemax82 · 03/05/2025 08:00

If it was retaliation just move on. I often do that to my husband then he acts like I'm the one in the wrong when he's said something awful first

Holeypyjamas · 03/05/2025 08:01

You are both wrong. I can’t ever imagine saying something to my husband about his friend in a talk about our sex life.

In fact I think you are more in the wrong than him, imagine if he had said that comment to you first? I would be more livid with the first comment being said to me than the second comment in retaliation.

He also shouldn’t have retaliated in that way but he was probably offended.

FortyElephants · 03/05/2025 08:03

You said something very hurtful and if the situation was reversed I doubt you would feel ok about it very quickly. He retaliated in order to hurt you back, not because he necessarily meant it. You are entirely to blame I'm afraid and need to get off your high horse.

Fairyliz · 03/05/2025 08:03

You need to look at your drinking. It clearly doesn’t make you giggly/sleepy but nasty/aggressive.
Is that who you want to be?

harriethoyle · 03/05/2025 08:04

Ooof you’re definitely in the wrong- an apology IS needed but from you not him!

MyOliveHelper · 03/05/2025 08:04

I find what you said really unkind and thoughtless. Although retaliation is rarely the answer, sometimes people are so oblivious to their own actions, that showing them how it feels is the only way to get them near to understanding.

The fact that you've gone off and done the silent treatment after being so cruel is also really bad.

I would be gearing up for a major apology to him. You really let yourself and him down, here.

Merryoldgoat · 03/05/2025 08:04

I cannot conceive of ever saying something like that or my DH saying that to me.

If this is a typical interaction you guys need therapy.

AgnesX · 03/05/2025 08:05

You were as bad as each other. I'm not sure why you think you have any moral high ground.

Maybe you both need to lay off the drink - or contentious subjects when you've had a few.

Pikablue · 03/05/2025 08:06

It sounds like he was being purposefully spiteful back because your comment was hurtful. If you're getting drunk at home to the point of seeing no issue with saying you bet a particular one of his mates would fuck you in the manner you wish he would then that's probably something to address.

DarkForces · 03/05/2025 08:06

What you said was really nasty. Don't have these conversations while drunk.

Eenameenadeeka · 03/05/2025 08:06

Nope, you were in the wrong and you should apologize. Obviously his response was harsh too, but I don't really know what on earth you expected him to say in response.

Nameftgigb · 03/05/2025 08:06

Sorry, but what you said was worse and was completely uncalled for. He obviously retaliated to make you feel just a little bit like you made him feel by that frankly fucking nasty comment

GenderFluid90 · 03/05/2025 08:08

You were nasty to him and he retaliated.
Lay off the drink, doesn't do anyone any favours.

Picklechicken · 03/05/2025 08:08

Wow what a shit show! You need to apologise. You started it off with the inappropriate comment and he sounds like he just said what he’s said to get back at you. I’d be really hurt if I was your dh. Not only have you mentioned his mate in a sexual way, showing you’ve thought about him like that, you’ve also said the way he behaves sexually isn’t great!

Zanatdy · 03/05/2025 08:09

He only said it because of your comment, which was massively out of order.

MferMonsterSearchingForRedemption · 03/05/2025 08:09

Fuck me, what were you thinking? Well, you clearly weren't as you were pissed.

I can't believe you said that and it sounds like he was trying to make a point to show you how much it hurt. He shouldn't have gone there, but I can see why he did.

You owe him a massive apology and maybe you should stop thinking about what his best mate might be like in bed and comparing him to your husband.

WaltzingWaters · 03/05/2025 08:11

Zeitumschaltung · 03/05/2025 08:00

No, yours was worse on two levels (that you brought it up first and that you’ve imagined being in bed with his friend rather than just looking in public). You need to apologise.

This. Apologies needed from you both, but he’s definitely not “more in the wrong”.

Mrsttcno1 · 03/05/2025 08:11

You’re in the wrong here OP

GaspingGekko · 03/05/2025 08:12

So you suggested to your husband not only that you have thought about having sex with his friend, but also that this friend is the (imagined) standard of sex you would like him to aim for?

Then you are giving him silent treatment because he retaliated by saying something similar about your friends arse?

Do you genuinely believe you are the wronged party in this?

Yes, what he said wasn't kind, but it was clearly done in response to your nasty, disrespectful comment to him.

isthesolution · 03/05/2025 08:12

You were in the wrong initially. You said something inappropriate and unkind. His retaliation was wrong too but was as a result of your nasty comment. I don’t think he’d ever have said this if you didn’t first.

WhingeInTheWillows · 03/05/2025 08:13

You need to stop drinking if this is the sort of thing you say when you’ve had a few.

Piffle11 · 03/05/2025 08:15

You’re in the wrong here OP. You can play it down by saying your words were ‘clumsy’, but they were incredibly hurtful. I can’t believe that after he retaliated you went upstairs in a huff and are now expecting an apology! You need to apologise to him.