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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

414 replies

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 07:56

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

OP posts:
Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 08:15

Fairyliz · 03/05/2025 08:03

You need to look at your drinking. It clearly doesn’t make you giggly/sleepy but nasty/aggressive.
Is that who you want to be?

Yea, we got carried away and had too much for sure. It’s rare we do anything like that these days and I will suggest to DP we try and stop it moving forward.

OP posts:
ReadTheBlurb · 03/05/2025 08:15

You're in the wrong. What he said was hurtful, but I suspect it was intended to make you understand how your comment had made him feel, as opposed to being a genuine thing that he thinks about. Your comment was far worse - you've critiqued his sex skills AND told him you imagine his friend doing it better (and you're not taking ownership of your words by describing it as "clumsy"). If my DH had said something like that to me, I'd be devastated, and probably would have retorted with something similar to your DH as a defence mechanism. It's you who owes the apology here.

MyOliveHelper · 03/05/2025 08:16

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 08:15

Yea, we got carried away and had too much for sure. It’s rare we do anything like that these days and I will suggest to DP we try and stop it moving forward.

Show quote history

Does he become as nasty as you though? You initiated this exchange and.brought up how you've thought about his friend fucking you.

DarkForces · 03/05/2025 08:16

DP wasn't the one who started it though. You really need to take some responsibility here rather than making it about both your drinking.

Trickabrick · 03/05/2025 08:17

FortyElephants · 03/05/2025 08:03

You said something very hurtful and if the situation was reversed I doubt you would feel ok about it very quickly. He retaliated in order to hurt you back, not because he necessarily meant it. You are entirely to blame I'm afraid and need to get off your high horse.

Yep!

Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 08:17

MyOliveHelper · 03/05/2025 08:16

Does he become as nasty as you though? You initiated this exchange and.brought up how you've thought about his friend fucking you.

Show quote history

The thing is, I didn’t mean it to sound like that and it’s not a thought I have had at all. I was on about personality in general.

But I can’t ignore all these replies and it must have come across like you’ve said for him to be so vile in his reply

OP posts:
alphabetcrayons · 03/05/2025 08:18

Sorry OP but you’ve started this and should be grovelling - imagine if he initially was the one who’d basically said ‘I wish you’d shag me like I imagine your best mate does’ - of course you’d retaliate to such a shocking comment!!

DarkForces · 03/05/2025 08:21

He really wasn't as vile as you and didn't start the comparison game. I know blaming him is easier but taking responsibility for your mistakes is the best way to move on from this. You aren't the victim in this situation

LBFseBrom · 03/05/2025 08:22

StonwEd · 03/05/2025 08:00

I think he retaliated in a similar manner - I don’t want to be unkind but what you said was awful and I’m trying to imagine my husband’s reaction to that. He wouldn’t have said the best friend comment but then I’d never have said this… argh, think you just need to make up and somehow try and forget what you both said, what on earth were you thinking 🫣

I quite agree and you illustrate how stupid people are when they have too much to drink. It really was not necessary, you're grown up people.

Mamabear487 · 03/05/2025 08:22

Just apologise and move on you were in the wrong and he’s obviously retaliated in the same way.

faerietales · 03/05/2025 08:23

You started it. Don’t dish it out if you’re not willing to take it.

MyOliveHelper · 03/05/2025 08:24

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 08:17

The thing is, I didn’t mean it to sound like that and it’s not a thought I have had at all. I was on about personality in general.

But I can’t ignore all these replies and it must have come across like you’ve said for him to be so vile in his reply

Show quote history

The thing is, you can't take this back now. Have you seen the malteser advert where the woman mistakes someone's suggestion for swapping partners for a board game as an invitation for a swinging swap session? You can't put that back in the bag. He knows you think about his friend basically sexually dominating you, and you know he thinks your friend is attractive.

Even if he said it just to hurt you and doesn't think that, it's going to be a thing any time you see either of these two people. All because you said what you said...

4forksache · 03/05/2025 08:25

He would never have said what he said, if you hadn’t said what you did. You need to apologise and then hopefully he will too.
You don’t have a leg to stand on though so ignore what he said.

TimeForABreak4 · 03/05/2025 08:26

No you were both being completely out of order but you started it. I can't imagine ever making a comment like that to DH. How did you ever think making a comment about something he is lacking in doing in the bedroom, and then commenting you think his friend wouldn't be like that would EVER be a good comment to make to someone.

Pikablue · 03/05/2025 08:27

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 08:17

The thing is, I didn’t mean it to sound like that and it’s not a thought I have had at all. I was on about personality in general.

But I can’t ignore all these replies and it must have come across like you’ve said for him to be so vile in his reply

Show quote history

Can't really see any other way it would come across! Fair play to you for reflecting rather than doubling down.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 03/05/2025 08:32

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 08:15

Yea, we got carried away and had too much for sure. It’s rare we do anything like that these days and I will suggest to DP we try and stop it moving forward.

Show quote history

You've woken up to a horrible situation today, which is all of your making and yet you're still trying to blame someone/something else! Is it how you live your life generally, thinking you can do and say whatever you like and people just have to put up with it? You only think what he said was worse because of how it's made you feel and you don't seem to have the emotional maturity to understand how crap you've made him feel. You are to blame for the whole situation because you spoke first. You needn't have. Don't blame him and don't blame the drink. It's all down to you. Are you grown up enough to make an honest apology, with no buts or excuses? I guess you're not, but you should have a go if you want your relationship to last much longer.

Goditsmemargaret · 03/05/2025 08:32

He rataliated on the level you dragged things down to. Honestly what you said was absolutely appalling. I'm shocked you're wondering 'how to play it'. You've been a nasty bitch.

And actually commenting on a physique which is visible is not the same as criticising his actual performance in bed and admitting you find someone else that you both know to be so much more well masculine and assertive.

You will have really hurt him.

WayneEyre · 03/05/2025 08:33

Yours was much worse because it was proactive and something you'd been thinking. He just responded in anger by saying something hurtful about you friend having a better arse which he probably doesn't mean and if she does, he probably doesn't care about one jot.

You were quite specific that you thought his pal would be terrific in bed for specific reasons that diminish your husband in comparison. Dick move, apologise without reservation or expectation. Hopefully he will apologise about his comment too but you've no right to push for it, what you said was worse. He lashed out. You compared him sexually to his pal. I'm not saying it should hopefully be a deal-breaker but please don't see yourself as the injured party here.

Even if it wasn't about his friend specifically, who wants to be compared to anyone? Constructive criticism, fine. But why bring other people in?

3amamama · 03/05/2025 08:33

Oh no! You both need to apologise. Never a good idea to play comparisons.

Also seems a little odd / disrespectful to speak about your friends that way. Both to your partner and to said friends.

Blueblell · 03/05/2025 08:34

You were both wrong, I would chalk up to too much to drink and end of week stress.

WayneEyre · 03/05/2025 08:34

Also, don't go repeating why he said to anyone. Especially not your friend with the arse. Itsyin that context and he was reacting to something hurtful.

Wildywondrous · 03/05/2025 08:35

Imagine you'd been having your chat and your partner said "I'd love it if you would be a bit more assertive sometimes, just go down on me or ride me without asking, I bet your mate Claire would be like that in bed".
It's incredibly hurtful and I'm not surprised he retaliated, you're the one who needs to apologise.

XiCi · 03/05/2025 08:36

You simultaneously criticised his sexual performance and let him know you want to fuck his friend. Can't imagine why you think he needs to apologise. I wouldn't even know where to start in resolving that tbh

CoralOP · 03/05/2025 08:37

Unsure how you can refer to his comment as vile when yours was soo much worse.

You basically told him you thought his friend looked great in bed and just what you were looking for whilst his more respectful method wasn't doing it for you.

He retaliated as most people would.

TranceNation · 03/05/2025 08:37

It is your fault. You open the floodgates with naming another guy's name. He just played you at your own game and trumped you.