Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

[FoodLover22]

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

again

you said something really hurtful and out of order
He chose something that would reply to your nasty comment.

It's all on you. You keep minimising your part and blaming him.

There's no such thing as a rule about not discussing women's appearance, where did you get that from.

Let him calm down. What you've managed to do is put in his head that everytime you are with him, you are thinking about someone else, his friend in this case.

Great that it doesn't seem to bother you.

Er. No. He will literally have picked the first friend he could think of, the first body part he could think of, and retaliated. But if you will keep insisting you are the wounded party...

I think what you did was worse and crossed a line- he then crossed the same line in retaliation but likely didn’t mean it but only wanted you to feel as hurt as him.

You don’t seem to appreciate just quite hurtful, creepy and out of the blue what you said was. If my husband had done that I’m not sure I could get past it.

Didn’t you do that first about his friend? Your comment was worse, you said it and whether you have thought about it or not you implied you’d imagined what he’d be like in bed, which is absolutely out of order to say to your DH. Him saying your friend has a great arse and would look good in doggy was a retaliation and probably something he wouldn’t have ever said to you but as you hurt him he tried to hurt you. This one’s on you, you started it

You didn't just criticise him though, you directly compared him to another man that you know.
We live in a world that is shaped by patriarchal values and unfortunately that affects how men see themselves and their "manhood".

Saying he should be more assertive like his friend is an outrageous thing to say.

Your replies here quite clearly show you don't understand and aren't taking accountability.

You hit him where it hurts most for a man. He hit you back where it hurts worst for a woman.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but you absolutely started this.

well if I was him I'd be out the door thinking I had dodged a bullet.

He hasn't dodged a bullet.

He married the gun.

What you said was extremely hurtful, the fact you are complaining that he is still sulking shows your apology wasn’t very genuine. I think a lot of people would be upset about what you said to him. You’re in the wrong, 100000 pct

She should learn a lesson and know that her nasty / sly / passive aggressive comments will sometimes have consequences that she will have to deal with….in this instance it could very well mean the end of her relationship and that is something that she may have to accept

omg didn't realise that.

You are both unreasonable. Don't drink so much you make hurtful comments to each other

While I think we can agree that the OP was out of order and is BU, 16 pages of pile-on seems a bit much.

It's also an unwritten rule with men, don't compare their sexual prowess with their friends.

Admitting you're wrong is kne thing, but seems you're the type to apologise with buts.

Own your end and once the dust has settled, you can revisit the topic when you're in a better place.

Expecting him to be ok because you've clicked your fingers isn't healthy either.

Both of you were careless with words. If you both cannot think clearly and exercise self control under the influence of alcohol, don't drink so much at one sitting in future.

If you've never imagined the friend in sexual way, how the fuck did you come up eith tje idea that based on his personality he would be assertive (and therefore what you want) in bed? That sentence proves you've thought about him.

Yeah, his comment sucked. But I really can't see how you meant your comment to come across if he misunderstood?

“I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me” - if this is the state of your relationship, I think he’s being smart to not “go ahead and do things.” He doesn’t want you alleging that he “violated” you or “should have known I wasn’t in the mood” or what-have-you.

This relationship sounds grim 😟 you brought the comment on yourself. The fact you are calling him pathetic for sulking shows you don’t really care about hurting his feelings. You want to snap your fingers and it be over and done with. It does seem like it’s all about you. Your poor DH! No wonder he doesn’t trust you now, especially when you’re calling him pathetic for ‘sulking’ and saying things like ‘I wish I had just shagged him’- if this is how heartless you are sober then god knows what it’s really like when you’re drunk. You deserved his tongue in cheek comment and if he has to put up with such a cold hearted woman who dismisses his feelings like this regularly then maybe his tongue will ACTUALLY be in her cheeks some day! Wouldn’t blame him!

On this site, not necessarily just in this case, women regularly demonstrate double standards, irrespective of the current voting statistics.

You started it. You were nasty, insensitive and clearly have been oogling his pal.

He was likely hurt and giving you a taste of your own medicine, probably escalated to stick the boot in because after a stressful week you brought up some "gripes" with your sex life and pointed out his pal who you think may do it better. Yikes

Apologise first, you started it so fix it. I'd hope he'd apologise back. But I think if you attempt to take the moral high ground and wait on an apology I think you'll just build resentment.

You were definitely in the wrong here. He was just mirroring the terrible thing you said to him.

Just a slightly boring male perspective for the OP - there can sometimes seem to be a fine line between taking the initiative and doing something without consent - talking helps.

Sorry OP, I’m team husband on this one.

If this was the other way around everyone would be shouting LTB.
I think he should.

Turn the conversation around and imagine if he'd have said your first comment. How would you have reacted? Would you have retaliated the same way he did? Would you have been hurt by your own comment? There wasn't a need to bring a third party into this conversation.

Okay, so what’s a non-clumsy way of saying ‘why can’t you fuck me like I imagine your mate would’ then?

Bringing his best friend into a critique on their sex is not ‘clumsy’.