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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

414 replies

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 07:56

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

OP posts:
Sunsetsandcocktails · 03/05/2025 08:40

Christ no, it’s YOU who needs to apologise OP. He was probably really hurt and retaliated to hurt you back which isn’t necessarily right but in the heat of the moment and after drinking it’s understandable.

hopefully he’ll also say he’s sorry and you can move on

Lavachicken37 · 03/05/2025 08:42

Oh dear op. You were wrong. His comment was also wrong but I would say you should apologise.
who is this other man ? I can only assume you like him, or at least that’s what I would be worried about as your do

Ikeameatballs · 03/05/2025 08:42

One thing’s for sure, this conversation won’t have improved your sex life one bit! I’d struggle to move on from the conversation if I were your partner.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 03/05/2025 08:45

Your comment is grounds for a break-up IMO.
Ridiculous and childish.
You started it. You get back what you started on a fight.

youcannaecallherfanny · 03/05/2025 08:46

You were wrong. What a horrible thing to say

TheMousePipes · 03/05/2025 08:46

I’m not sure how you’re going to row back on that to be honest. Your poor dh must be so hurt.

Pedallleur · 03/05/2025 08:46

Drink in, wits out. What would have happened if he come to bed and asserted himself? Best not to have these conversations when alcohol is involved. The recent teacher in the bar thread shows that

HairyGarden · 03/05/2025 08:48

What you said was worse than what he did.

FFS, comparing your DH’s skills in bed (as opposed to his physique) with how you imagine his friend to be. Just awful, hurtful stuff and I am not remotely surprised that he bit back. Utterly humiliating for him.

I wonder about your emotional intelligence OP given that (a) you thought it was okay to make the comment in the first place and (b) you are even now on here seeking to portray what he did as worse than you.

For the avoidance of doubt: you should be apologising to him and hoping very much that it doesn’t have a lasting impact on his sexual confidence.

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 03/05/2025 08:49

Ouch, I hope your DH can get past this. An apology is definitely in order 😬

1AngelicFruitCake · 03/05/2025 08:49

With 98% saying unreasonable i
think you owe him a big apology!

SapporoBaby · 03/05/2025 08:52

You were wrong. You started it by bringing up his friend… very weird to do that. He just gave what he got.

Dery · 03/05/2025 08:52

“ReadTheBlurb · Today 08:15

You're in the wrong. What he said was hurtful, but I suspect it was intended to make you understand how your comment had made him feel, as opposed to being a genuine thing that he thinks about. Your comment was far worse - you've critiqued his sex skills AND told him you imagine his friend doing it better (and you're not taking ownership of your words by describing it as "clumsy"). If my DH had said something like that to me, I'd be devastated, and probably would have retorted with something similar to your DH as a defence mechanism. It's you who owes the apology here.”

This with bells on. As a PP said, it’s interesting that you’re trying to minimise the hurtfulness and thoughtlessness of what you said (essentially that you can imagine being taken masterfully by his friend in bed) and make him the baddy when you started it and what you said was worse. You remind me a bit of how I used to be. I remember my DH pointing out many years ago that I had a bit of a way of saying really combative, sometimes quite mean things in a kind of super-reasonable tone and getting all dismayed when challenged. But just because I said those things in a nice tone didn’t make them okay to say. I don’t do that any more. We still argue but I own my side of the arguments.

Another thing we learnt quite early on was to cut back hard on drinking because we had a few occasions where lovely evenings were ruined by prickly, hurtful rows at the end of the evening because we had had too much to drink and were both being stubborn and bad-tempered.

Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 08:53

I am going to apologise, I can’t ignore the advice and I appreciate the bluntness/honesty x

OP posts:
Rollergirl11 · 03/05/2025 08:54

You are totally minimising your part in this. The blame lays squarely at your feet. You need to be extremely remorseful when your DP wakes up. Not accepting full responsibility for your hurtful and inappropriate comment will do even more damage.

Saying it at all was incredibly ill-judged but the fact that you’ve woken up this morning doubling down on what he said (in retaliation) and not taking accountability for what YOU started is concerning. You need to have a serious word with yourself.

Whatahardlife · 03/05/2025 08:54

The very idea of discussing your sex life whilst drunk was always going to end in tears.

Whether intentional or not you saying you want him to " go ahead and do things with out asking" is a pretty dangerous thing to say if you haven't really thought it through. It comes over as you having rape fantasies and inviting him do this should be thought through thoroughly. Then you imply to him you have fantasies about his friend doing this to you?

This is not going to go away.

It will rankle and probably be brought up again and again as long as your relationship lasts.

ScaryM0nster · 03/05/2025 08:54

You started it. You made comments comparing him in bed to other people who know and that you imagine theyre more what you like.

Now you’re expecting an apology because he said the equivalent in retaliation. 🤦‍♀️

OutsiderOfTheClique · 03/05/2025 08:56

Your DP met your hurtful comment with a hurtful comment towards you.

If anyone should apologise, you should to your DP.

Perhaps in future, address any issues you have with your DP while sober and as an adult and don't compare him to his friend. It sounds like you fancy his friend. Your DP was justifiably peed off with you.

FrenchandSaunders · 03/05/2025 08:58

Oh OP you started this. He retaliated because he was shocked and hurt. You need to apologise.

Do you socialise with his friend …. that’s going to be awkward next time 😳

Baguettesandcheeseforever · 03/05/2025 08:59

Op, your updates actually are making it worse. I do t think you fully understand how awful what you said was or have any understanding of how you’ve made him feel. You describe his comment as vile and yours as clumsy. One poster commented that it was good of you to reflect, but I don’t think you really are. If my dh said what you said, I would be unbelievable hurt. Your partner’s response was said from a place of self protection and was harsh to demonstrate what a comment like that feels like, not because he meant it. You meant it. You criticised him in a personal way, compared him to a friend and then told him you would prefer that friend. Just awful.

Evaka · 03/05/2025 09:00

Yikes, what a horrible conversation. Hope that's a very unusual topic and argument, none of it sounds healthy. Agree with others you're very much in the wrong and owe him an apology. Sounds like he reacted in hurt.

Bestfootforward11 · 03/05/2025 09:00

Your comment was an unkind put down where you were effectively saying that his friend would please you more than him having sex with you. He retaliated in kind. I have no idea why you think you’re the one who has been hard done by. You both did not behave well. I think you should apologise because you made the first comment and hopefully he will also do so. More generally speaking, if these kind of comments are part of your interactions regularly, I think you should reflect on your relationship as it doesn’t sound particularly healthy. Best wishes.

Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 09:00

FrenchandSaunders · 03/05/2025 08:58

Oh OP you started this. He retaliated because he was shocked and hurt. You need to apologise.

Do you socialise with his friend …. that’s going to be awkward next time 😳

Yes, quite regularly. We are meant to be seeing his friend and wife on Sunday.

OP posts:
Baguettesandcheeseforever · 03/05/2025 09:02

Are you actually sorry? As in, genuinely seeing what you did and how horrible it was and willing to work to show your partner that you’re sorry and change your behaviour?

andweallloveclover · 03/05/2025 09:03

Wow, what a horrible thing to say to someone you love.

He has definitely been really hurt by you and he said what he said in retaliation. What he said is NOT worse than what you said. You started it by making the comment you made which was bang out of order.

You need to step up and be the bigger person here and offer the olive branch and apologise and hope that he can let this go.

Epidote · 03/05/2025 09:04

You started it comparing, he retaliated with the same coin.