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AIBU?

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Original poster

Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

414 replies

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 07:56

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

OP posts:
Tiswa · 03/05/2025 10:04

@FoodLover22 quashing it isn’t a grown up or healthy thing to do. Basically it is saying let’s ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen - but actually this is a fairly big thing that you said that you are minimising.

because you basically asked him to change himself and his personality- no only that hit asking him to do things without asking is a fairly risky thing and needs ground rules

Riaanna · 03/05/2025 10:04

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 09:56

I’ve apologised but he hasn’t accepted it, says I crossed a line and that he doesn’t know if he can come back from it. Also said he will message his mate later and make an excuse so only those two meet up as he doesn’t trust me around him now (which is nonsense!).

He knows I don’t like arguments being dragged out unnecessarily, it makes me anxious and quashing things like adults is always my preference.

I’ll try again later.

At what point does this stop being about you?

Maybe he does know that. But maybe he also knows that you fantasising about his mate is a line which means your needs don’t come first?

You clearly don’t actually have remorse. You might want to be prepared for this to be done because what you said is bordering unforgivable and your attitude now likely sealing the deal.

Moveoverdarlin · 03/05/2025 10:04

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 09:56

I’ve apologised but he hasn’t accepted it, says I crossed a line and that he doesn’t know if he can come back from it. Also said he will message his mate later and make an excuse so only those two meet up as he doesn’t trust me around him now (which is nonsense!).

He knows I don’t like arguments being dragged out unnecessarily, it makes me anxious and quashing things like adults is always my preference.

I’ll try again later.

Good for him. I don’t think many blokes could ever get that out of their head to be honest. What he said was a reaction to what you said. You initiated the chat by bringing your social circle in to it. In his head he has heard ‘My girlfriend thinks I’m a shit shag and she wants to fuck Jason as he’s more assertive.’ Even if you stay together for 40 years he’ll always remember that.

Him saying ‘yeah but Emily has a better arse than you’ is nowhere near as bad. What was he supposed to say? ‘Ok thanks for your feedback, I’ll try and be more like Jason in the future.’

TammyJones · 03/05/2025 10:05

shuggles · 03/05/2025 09:53

@FoodLover22 I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me.

Silly perspective. Consent is important in all relationships.

Yes, agree, my dh is ‘the best’ but we are considerate of each other feelings, and never go ‘full steam a head ‘ without checking in first.

Livpool · 03/05/2025 10:06

He was retaliating which isn’t great but you caused this - I wouldn’t dream of saying something like that to my DH. I wouldn’t even think it to be honest.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/05/2025 10:07

God, how awkward. I don’t know how you can come back from it either… it’s similar to getting the mystical “ick” isn’t it? It will always be in his head now 😬

On a serious note. Maybe drinking that much together is not the best idea? It seems very random, that wouldn’t be my choice of a nice evening with my partner! Maybe a couple of drinks.

DarkForces · 03/05/2025 10:07

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:03

I didn’t say that at all though. That’s twisting my words.

Show quote history

"I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name)" From your op.

How exactly is that not imagining his mate as a sexual partner? You've said you imagine him being more assertive during sexual activity and not checking consent. Do you not hear how that sounds?

Original poster
FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think you were seriously out of order.

You'd both had too much to drink and said things you wouldn't normally have said.

He escalated. And I don't blame him.

But I think his response to your apology is silly and demonstrates his insecurity.

Does he have form for sulking and punishing? Do you live together?

And I wouldn't go along with any made up stories to friends.

Evilspiritgin · 03/05/2025 10:08

if a woman came on here saying that during a drunken argument her husband told her he wanted her to be more assertive during sex just like he thinks her friend Julie would be, he would rightly be flamed and she would be told to leave the relationship as there's no coming back from it, even if she had retaliated by telling him his friend Brian has a nice bum

DarkForces · 03/05/2025 10:09

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

It's a completely normal rule not to compare your partner of either sex's sexual performance to your imagination of how much better their friend would be.

JudgeJ · 03/05/2025 10:10

harriethoyle · 03/05/2025 08:04

Ooof you’re definitely in the wrong- an apology IS needed but from you not him!

Exactly! If you can't stand the heat keep out of the kitchen.

ScaryM0nster · 03/05/2025 10:10

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

I don’t think it’s any more or less of an unwritten rule than ‘don’t say your mate would do better at the things I like in bed than you’ is.

Taytayslayslay · 03/05/2025 10:10

He matched your energy. Apologise and move on

Riaanna · 03/05/2025 10:11

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

Are you serious? Imagine talking to your spouse about your sex life and he says to you “I wish you would do this a bit more I imagine your best friend is like that””. And he’s not said it in retaliation or context. He’s just randomly announced that he thinks about having sex with your best friend.

And you think in any way responding with “your mates arse is nice” is the same?! Are you that deluded??!!

You need to get a grip.

Eenameenadeeka · 03/05/2025 10:11

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 09:56

I’ve apologised but he hasn’t accepted it, says I crossed a line and that he doesn’t know if he can come back from it. Also said he will message his mate later and make an excuse so only those two meet up as he doesn’t trust me around him now (which is nonsense!).

He knows I don’t like arguments being dragged out unnecessarily, it makes me anxious and quashing things like adults is always my preference.

I’ll try again later.

He's not dragging it out unnecessarily. He is -rightly-(based on the 98% agreement of almost 900 people here) very hurt by something awful you said. You really crossed a line. You can't just expect him to quash it because his hurt feelings are inconvenient for you.

JudgeJ · 03/05/2025 10:11

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

Maybe men have an unwritten rule about criticising his performance in the bedroom. This thread illustrates once again the double standards many women apply.

andweallloveclover · 03/05/2025 10:11

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

It was horrible and to be honest he probably didn't even mean it but said it to try and hurt you, the way you had just hurt him. Understandable considering the circumstances. So you need to stop playing the victim because of what he said to you and realise how much you have fucking hurt his feelings here.

If I were you I would leave him for a bit as he obviously needs his space from you at the moment. Let him think and maybe try and talk to him again when he has had chance to process what you said.

Evilspiritgin · 03/05/2025 10:12

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

what as horrible as saying you'd prefer him to be as good as his friend In the sack!!!

Im surprised that there are a some people other than op still trying to twist this to blame the man

Rollergirl11 · 03/05/2025 10:13

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

You absolutely cannot claim the moral high ground in this instance. Why are you finding it so difficult to accept that you were totally in the wrong? You’re trying to justify your appalling comment with his.

Riaanna · 03/05/2025 10:13

ScaryM0nster · 03/05/2025 10:10

I don’t think it’s any more or less of an unwritten rule than ‘don’t say your mate would do better at the things I like in bed than you’ is.

Show quote history

It’s definitely lower down the list of rules.

Can you imagine actually thinking a retaliatory remark about your arse is the same or worse than talking about fantasising having sex with someone’s best mate?!

BMW6 · 03/05/2025 10:13

FoodLover22 · 03/05/2025 10:08

I think comparing my physical appearance to a friend was horrible btw. It’s an unwritten rule with women - don’t comment on our appearance.

You're still trying to wriggle out of being the one responsible for this - stop it. You hurt him first and he retaliated.

FUFO. This is 100% on you. I can't see how your relationship can survive this - and its absolutely your fault.

YOLOPPL · 03/05/2025 10:13

You're 100% in the wrong here OP, you've really fucked up. I agree with your partner: not suee how you come back from it. Thats going to be in his head forever and what he said was him just matching you, you asked for it.

sprigatito · 03/05/2025 10:14

You were both absolutely horrible, but your comment was only hurtful to him, whereas his was disgustingly misogynistic towards your friend and women generally. It would turn me off him permanently.

BMW6 · 03/05/2025 10:15

sprigatito · 03/05/2025 10:14

You were both absolutely horrible, but your comment was only hurtful to him, whereas his was disgustingly misogynistic towards your friend and women generally. It would turn me off him permanently.

What utter nonsense. 🙄

Edited to add I think you're the OP employing a sock puppet! If not you are totally deluded and a Misandrist