Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

[FoodLover22]

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

Yes, what you said was pretty terrible. What a thing to say! Even if you were drunk. His retaliation was to prove a point. And you want him NOT to ask you before he does things to you in bed? Quite a few women have to put up with men who do not ask them and just use their bodies any way they wish. Yes, you can talk to your partner and tell him about your fantasy desires but doing so while drunk and comparing them to their friend is not the way to have this discussion. I'm sorry to be so harsh but he sounds mature. You don't.

Both in the wrong, but do people need to tell off the OP in quite such a way?! Many of us have said thoughtless things after a few drinks in our time, and many of us may have got into silly arguments with their partners when pissed.

OP is probably feeling hungover and all the threads suggesting she’s a terrible person aren’t exactly constructive. She just needs to take some paracetamol, apologise to her DH, remember to avoid drunken conversations on topics that are sensitive/combative, and move on…

Wow. You were bang out of order. Do you fancy his mate?

@laladaff Thats what I might have said if she wasn't trying to darvo her partner

I think that’s the only approach, and I hope that you can work through it. But it’s big…he’s understandably going to struggle to look at you, and his innocent friend, in the same light for a while I suspect. In fact, it’s the poor friend I feel for. It wouldn’t surprise me if your husband feels the need to spend less time with him, in your presence at least.

This is what I’m wondering. The fact that OP woke up this morning feeling like she deserved an apology from her DP and having not reflected on her own terrible behaviour makes me think that deflection is her usual response to conflict.

You need to apologise OP. But more importantly you need to understand why what you said and how your DP responded was all of your doing. Do you understand that?

Fuck me- what did you expect?? He was hurt and retaliated.

Stay off the booze.

Of course it’s you. You effectively described your fantasy and then named his mate as someone you have thought about doing it with. You started it and what you said is way way worse. I actually don’t know how on earth you expect to get out of that but am stunned you think his retaliatory comment is even remotely the same league!

You need to apologise and hopefully he will respond with his own apology. He lashed out because he was upset, whereas you just brought it up because you thought it was a good point to make.

The next time you see those friends will be fun!

What you said was really awful and I’d have been SO upset if my husband basically told me he wishes I was more like how he’d been imagining a mate of mine was in bed 🤢 he lashed out and was nasty back because you really hurt him and were completely inappropriate! I can’t believe you’re even asking who was in the wrong, or who was ‘worse’.

Oh crikey, youve dug yourself a hole here 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sundays going to be awks! I hope the comments don’t get retold to them once youve both had a few drinks 😬🤣

While we might say cruel things from time to time, I don’t think many of us would say we’d rather sleep with our husbands friend than our husband while critiquing his behaviour would we? The tone of posts is as much in response to the minimising of the OP as it is to what she said. And to that end are constructive, because minimising is absolutely the wrong approach to an apology in this situation.

If you want your marriage to last then you both need to grow up. If a few drinks make you think its OK to say you wish your H was more like you imagine his mate to be in bed, then you need to stick to the pop. He took it further as retaliation, because obviously drink makes him nastier than he might otherwise be.

Sounds like you've got an alcohol problem.

I think you should be prepared for the fact that what you said could easily have a long term impact on your relationship.

Many many people would struggle to get by what you said, especially when you regularly socialise with the friend you basically said you imagined would be better in bed than him.

I think you have a cheek acting like the injured party!

You were so far out of order you need to seriously apologise, I think you have made that friendship really awkward in future, your husband is going to feel insecure thinking about you lusting after his friend who you have imagined is a great exciting lover.

Your husband lashed out because he was hurt, to be honest you deserved that comment, you didn’t like it so don’t dish it out.

This is not the kind of thing you should even try to brush under the carpet. Things fester and go bad under there.

That sounds very tit for tat and to be honest either both of you need to pull this face at each other this morning 😬 and chat it out or just try to forget it even happened as you were both pissed. No good will come from dissecting secret thoughts about friends and associates.

I am double posting but I'm so annoyed about this; it's mainly your immediate strategy to get out of trouble without thinking how you've impacted him.

It's how my DH behaved in our early days and it took LOADS of therapy to bring in change. I can imagine a scenario like this and him getting up in the morning and saying "no I'm not apologising unless you do too. We both said things. Bottom line we need to drink less."

You've been a bitch and you don't even care.

I assume friend has gone ahead and taken the initiative and booked Sunday lunch.

If I'd said what you said, I'd expect any self-respecting partner to end the relationship immediately. I think a tit for tat response plus silent treatment is you getting off lightly.

What you said would make him feel so insecure every time he thinks of it, You need to find a way to make it sound like you didn’t mean it. something like this maybe:

”I’m sorry it was one of those moments that sounded totally different in my head to how it sounded out loud. I was literally just searching in my head for someone who you would think is assertive so I said him as a example but i know it sounded like i had been checking him out which i obviously haven't been. your the only guy i'm ever attracted to it absolutely was a foot in mouth situation!”

Wow he now thinks you are imagining being in bed with his more confident friend. That’s why he responded that way I think. Maybe find a different way of letting your hair down.

Your comment was stupid and he responded in exactly the same way I would have responded. You both need to apologise to each other and stop drinking so much you act like a pair of idiots.

Oof. You essentially said to him that you have fantasised about sex with his friend. Every time you see the friend, your husband now has to live with thinking you are daydreaming about him fucking you. I don't know how you come back from that.

You can apologise all you like, except that genie is not going back in the bottle.