Drunken Friday night argument - who was in the wrong?

[FoodLover22]

DP and I had a few drinks last night. We both had a long week with work and a few other stresses and needed to let our hair down.

We were discussing our sex life, it’s mainly good with a couple of gripes but nothing major.

I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me. I clumsily said that is how I imagine one of his friends being (I said a name) - I didn’t mean anything by it but in hindsight see it was stupid.

He responded by naming my best friend and saying that he wishes I had an arse like her but that he doesn’t complain. He then said in a sarcastic tone to mimic my comment about his friend ‘I imagine that being great in doggy’.

I went up to bed at this point and haven’t spoke to him since, I know I shouldn’t have said what I did and he took this as a put down, but AIBU to suggest what he replied with was worse? And he should apologise when he wakes up. I don’t know how to play it..

This! The fact that she said "we both need to reassess our drinking" when confronted by the majority of posts saying it was all on her, proves that she's still finding a way to blame him.

I, too, have been on the DP's side of this argument and it is very damaging. Not just the things said but also having the blame solely shifted into your corner and told you're the villain and shouldn't feel hurt at all when it's not you who needs to apologise 🙄

I actually feel really sorry for the DP and am glad that the PP's saying to brush it under the carpet have never experienced being on the recieving end of this behaviour.

You were both petty and spiteful. You both need c to apologise and then have a sober conversation about your sex life.

You basically said he's not alpha enough and his friend is more of a man. Ouch.

Your post makes me realise how difficult this is going to be for op to navigate. Your example response is great, but it made me think that there is nothing she can say that will make this go away. It wouldn't surprise me if he asserted himself and left.

No, he wasn't any worse. If my DH said what you had I would be very hurt. I actually think what you said was worse, it implies you have fantasised about what his friend would be like in bed and think he would be better than your DP, that's more hurtful than saying someone has a nicer arse than you.

Is what i said funny @FrenchandSaunders ?

She's got drunk and she's told her husband she thinks his friend would be better in bed than him.

That's an alcohol problem if she is getting drunk and can't control her mouth.

I agree. I think he might have been using it in a mocking way to show how assertive "Alpha" males can speak, think and behave. It's not fair that the good guys get taken by people who don't want them while the rest of us are left with the toxic ones.

Think if I was him I would have responded “thanks for letting me know where we stand.” Then gone out for a very long walk away from you.

You should initiate the apology, you were both in the wrong but your comment was actually something in your head already, his was something he came up with on the spot, with the purpose of making you feel how he was feeling about the comment to him, not necessarily something he has ever even thought about.
Your comment was worse in that sense.

Sadly this is going to be very difficult to recover from. Yes you definitely need to apologise and take on the chin his comments in response to your bluntness.

But I also think you’re going to have some work to do in putting this all behind you. Not sure that Sunday is a good idea at the moment or is it better to get it over and done with.

When a man starts on his wife by mentioning her friend and she posts on here, she gets told to leave him.
The drink isn’t helping. Cutting down? I have never seen anyone do it. Other than stopping.
Drinking reduces your inhibitions.
Men are different to us in lots of ways. Mentioning his friend has really struck at the core of who he is.
And while you have asked him to be more assertive I can get why men in 2025 aren’t - the decent ones do, anyway.
You need to apologise. If he doesn’t that’s up to him but I actually wouldn’t want him to. He’s reacted for a good reason.
And I tend to flame men on here.

This sounds like what 2 children would be acting like 'you were worse than me so we are not fiends anymore'

Another childish response - ypu started it

@FoodLover22 I said how I would like him to be a bit more assertive sometimes and just go ahead and do things rather than consult me.

Silly perspective. Consent is important in all relationships.

It just sounds like you fancy his friend do you ? No wonder he retaliated don't let this fester you need to apologise but he will always be wondering if you want "friend to do stuff to you"

You both are as bad as each other. That’s the problem with drinking. You both owe each other an apology and as you started it you apologise first

I’ve apologised but he hasn’t accepted it, says I crossed a line and that he doesn’t know if he can come back from it. Also said he will message his mate later and make an excuse so only those two meet up as he doesn’t trust me around him now (which is nonsense!).

He knows I don’t like arguments being dragged out unnecessarily, it makes me anxious and quashing things like adults is always my preference.

I’ll try again later.

I agree that OP’s DP shouldn’t have to apologise. His response in the moment was totally justified.

@FoodLover22 good luck with this today. How do you think your DP is likely to be this morning? At the very least you need to be sincere in your apology and allow him his hurt and upset however that may manifest.

I wouldn't try again. I'd accept that I've crossed a line and essentially ruined the relationship beyond repair. I think now trying to cajole him into forgiving you would be further abuse tbh. Just leave it. You seriously fucked up, learn from your mistakes

You started it. 100 percent!!! You need to apologise.

Of course he’s going to retaliate with something similar!

I imagine his ego is well and truly dented. I think what he said is a natural reaction to feeling inferior to his mate who is wife has clearly been thinking about shagging.

The thing is, I didn’t mean it to sound like that and it’s not a thought I have had at all. I was on about personality in general.

How was he supposed to know that? It is your responsibility to communicate and you gave wrong message. You needed to be super sensitive in communicating anything about your sex life, not referencing anyone else in comparison AT ALL.

Yes, his retaliation was bad, very bad, but you can’t expect him to apologise unless you are also prepared to offer a heartfelt, unconditional apology. First.

Your behaviour in sulking and not speaking to him is also unacceptable.

If you want your marriage to flourish , cop on!

I would take this as "you're shit in bed, and i wish you'd do me like i imagine Barry doing me". I'm not sure i could even be arsed with you after that. One of the worst things i've ever heard said to a bloke. So humiliating.

I also think you come across as arrogant, and have no idea how deep this would cut into a man's self esteem.

The fact he doesn't trust you around his mate isn't nonsense. You've told him you'd prefer his friend as a sexual partner.

I'm sure you would like him just to move on but it's out your hands now. He's allowed boundaries and to hold firm to them in choosing whether to continue the relationship.

Still minimising, then. It’s not nonsense. It’s how he feels and completely justified. You are still only seeing this from your side and not accepting how YOUR actions have made him feel. He’s not “dragging it out unnecessarily”. He’s taking his own time to work through it.

You sound like a nightmare tbh.

Or it could just be that she's not a very nice person who does this kind of thing more often than she's letting on. She's handily blaming alcohol and her husband for the horrible situation she's put them in, even now.

I didn’t say that at all though. That’s twisting my words.