To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

[AnwI]

I’ve just been offered a great job. I have a DD who is starting school in September. There is an after school class that is until 5pm. However, for me to get there in time to collect her I would need to leave the office at 4pm. I’ve asked the recruiter to ask this and she’s waiting for a reply.

This job comes with a massive pay rise, it’s a good career move and since becoming a single parent when dd was 3 I’ve done everything I can to keep going. Ex does his bit financially but does absolutely nothing in the week…I’ve tried many times to ask him to change work pattern etc but he says he can’t (or won’t).

I am going to feel absolutely deflated and resentful if this company does not agree to this. I know it’s not the company’s job to ensure my dd is looked after etc etc (im familiar with these points!) but the entire office industry is set up for working men who came home to housewives running the home. I am trying my best here and yet I feel it’s all stacked against me…I absolutely hate that I’ve had to even ask it at all as I wish I could just work as late as I wanted in whichever location I wanted.

I am going to be so crushed if they don’t agree to it.

Such a shame op and I feel for you. Honestly, I'd go for it and work out a solution to fet your daughter picked up the first few weeks/ months. Maybe even a friend you return the favour for? Then once you're in and appreciated, maybe see if there's more flexibility. It's a hard situation. In a few years your daughter will be able to walk hone etc, but I know that seems so far away right now. I would really push your ex to pick up 1-2 days a week.

It's not always that easy to find a childminder. We have only 6 in my town and not a single one picks up from my DS school. Like the OP after school club finishes at 5, it's seriously limiting

What many are missing is that there are plenty of people without children how is this fair on them? It's not basically. I find it really odd people expect this kind of bending over backwards especially with a brand new employer where you haven't even built up good will yet. Harsh fact is you are trying to do two things at once and that is kind of impossible something has to give either that means you choose less time with your daughter and get a child minder or similar or your job gives you literally cannot have both.

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Referring to another women as a side-piece is a deeply misogynistic comment.

@AliBaliBee1234yes OP have this conversation with a man who is in love with you and wants you to have his baby and then hope that he sticks to it when he is no longer in love with you and is worried about his earning potential and frankly doesn’t actually give a shit about your career anymore if it doesn’t benefit him.
I can count the amount of times on one hand how many times my ex has actually enquired how I’m covering school holidays, sickness, inset days, etc

It would be the same. I am sure they have the exact same issues and frustrations and I hope they get support too.

It is however a more unusual set up. 9 out of 10 households that are headed by a single parent are headed by women. So it disproportionately impacts on women, which is why people focus on that. But it's useful to remember anyone sole parenting or majority parenting is facing this.

Do you know any other children in her class, there may be a mother looking to earn some extra money willing to collect your child and mind them rather than a creche setting .this might make it more flexible, I hate how all this falls on mothers rather thsn being shared by both parents. It puts you in an awful position where you either work and feel guilty about dc or you leave and feel guilty about work . You can't win.

Actually, OP DID say that work could be set to cater to a school day. And even if you take this point you have about childcare, my daughter goes to nursery and I only know of one member of staff there have their own young children. So this flexibility you talk about, the childcare set up you want, who should do it? Do you think the women providing the care, usually for not much about min wage, should not get any flexibility so that OP can take a senior leadership job and be entitled to all the flexibility? At that point, are you or OP any better than these supposedly women hating businesses because you’re saying that women in highly paid jobs should be entitled to all the flexibility meanwhile the women working for far less money stacking shelves, cleaning, looking after these kids are denied that same flexibility?

Work places can only do so much, kids have two parents and you have to choose a job that works with the responsibilities you have as a parent. I wouldn’t take a job as an air hostess which takes me away from home 4 nights a week because I chose to have a child, my husband chose not to take on a promotion which would have required him to be away from home every other week because he chose to have a child. That’s life, you choose the job you can do around the life you have.

YABU in the sense that this is a new company, they don’t know you, they don’t know your work ethic and so therefore don’t owe you any compromise or empathy. There are alternative arrangements you could look in to but you don’t appear to be keen on this and are just focusing that it is because you are female whilst your child has a dad who is not stepping up. Lots of offices support working mums as well as dads but work is work and they have their operating hours for a reason.

Have you actually read any of her posts?

Fair comment.
Isn't there some truth in the fact that women very often want to retain custody. That isn't ' society expecting" that's a choice many women make.

Have you even read OP's first post, or did you only get as far as the title?

Get a nanny. That way she can be collected and looked after at home until you're home from work

A nanny for a school aged child ?

exactly this. The patriarchal structure assumes working until evening then going home to tea on the table.

companies don’t HAVE to work until 5, in the main - it’s conventional, but could change if people decided it was worthwhile. I don’t believe everyone’s working flat out that whole time.

I also think that companies should think more about paying for work rather than time but that’s a huge mindset shift many aren’t capable of making

The dynamic that the woman sacrifices is actually a choice though - in each of those relationships the mans earning potential career has come first.

Why can't your partner collect your child - or adapt his working conditions so you don't have to - at least 50% of the time - so its 'even' ..

I don't get why he gets to call all the shots!

I think you're right, but current residency plans start off at 50/50. The fact that it ends up being primarily the mother is often not a choice, it's because the father is unreliable, inflexible and realises that being a Dad is not just taking them to the park to play. OP says he ex can't or won't entertain any discussion on changing his work pattern.

The elephant in the room is what happens if the man refuses to do this? I mean why on earth would he choose to do this when he will probably take a massive career hit and ultimately he has no vested interest in OP's career now they have split up.

Yes part time after school nannies are a thing. We had one for many years!

Because she is not partnered!

Again...it's in the OP "Ex does his bit financially but does absolutely nothing in the week…I’ve tried many times to ask him to change work pattern etc but he says he can’t (or won’t)."

All these people telling people what the father should do and how it's working well for them.....not helpful.

This is a parenting challenge not a male/female one. If you have a child with someone who doesn't want to/isn't able to pull their weight as a parent it's going to be hard work.

I don't buy the argument that it's all the fault of the patriarchy. Different businesses have different needs in terms of working hours. I know a lot of people in hospitality who routinely work evenings/ weekends/ overnight/ early mornings. Loads of jobs have difficult or unsociable hours. You chose a job based on a lots of factors including the hours. It's not the fault of the business you work for.

Quite a few companies now use core hours in contracts (the last 2 I've worked at do this). Fro example everyone works 10am to 4pm, and then leave it upto staff/line managers to work out a reasonable plan for the rest of the hours. Obviously this depends of nature of the business, but this really works well. A really good way for companies to show they value their staff, give flexibility so they aren't stressed and easier to get the work done.

Yes it does seem like a lot of the issue is down to the location.

For some reason there is a lot of this on Mumsnet - I live in the arse end of nowhere, there's no childcare and I have an enormous commute, how unfair!

Erm perhaps this is somewhat down to choices and moving to a short commute and a school with better wraparound might help.

TBH I don't know anyone who holds down a senior role who has a super long commute or no childcare after 5

They may well be in central London/big cities where a person is able to top up their income with other roles/ and presumably nanny jobs during the day but if it’s an area that can’t even attract Childminders the likelihood of a part-time nanny would be fairly slim I would imagine ?