To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

[AnwI]

I’ve just been offered a great job. I have a DD who is starting school in September. There is an after school class that is until 5pm. However, for me to get there in time to collect her I would need to leave the office at 4pm. I’ve asked the recruiter to ask this and she’s waiting for a reply.

This job comes with a massive pay rise, it’s a good career move and since becoming a single parent when dd was 3 I’ve done everything I can to keep going. Ex does his bit financially but does absolutely nothing in the week…I’ve tried many times to ask him to change work pattern etc but he says he can’t (or won’t).

I am going to feel absolutely deflated and resentful if this company does not agree to this. I know it’s not the company’s job to ensure my dd is looked after etc etc (im familiar with these points!) but the entire office industry is set up for working men who came home to housewives running the home. I am trying my best here and yet I feel it’s all stacked against me…I absolutely hate that I’ve had to even ask it at all as I wish I could just work as late as I wanted in whichever location I wanted.

I am going to be so crushed if they don’t agree to it.

People telling me to move house and so on like it’s the most simple thing. I’m a single parent and can’t just up sticks like that.

Surely a single parent with a child not yet at school is in a much better position to move house than someone who has to accommodate another adult’s needs, job situation and opinions, or someone who would need to move a child’s school?

There may be other reasons why moving is not an option but I’m not buying that being a single parent is the issue.

You also haven’t explained why your child will go to school in a remote place.

Of course the danger is what happens if she moves out and then two weeks later they make her redundant.

That happened to an ex of mine. He literally completed on a Property on the Saturday and on the Monday morning was called into a meeting completely reassigning his patch.
Spent three years commuting 2 1/2 hours a day.

@HotCrossBunpleasebecause
1.) our children have often gone through a significant adjustment or even multiple house moves before and we want to limit disruption. Kids of divorce are already sensitive to change.
2.) we have to consider where our ex lives and can’t move too far from them, or they’ll moan and may well reduce contact which fucks up our lives more.
3.) our support networks might be close to our house which helps us. Not necessarily in terms of school pick ups but if there is an emergency or just can provide company or support us in other ways e.g. will look after kid for an hour whilst we go to the shop or get our hair cut.
4.) we are less likely to be approved for a mortgage as a single breadwinner. We face discrimination by estate agents/ banks. We could be limited in terms of houses we can afford and don’t want to move into the rough areas. Maybe OPs school is in a much more affluent or much rougher area? Why would she want to move there?

The point about location is really that it's fine if you want to live in the middle of nowhere a long way from your workplace and your child's school but then it's not going to be a surprise that you might need childcare after 5pm if you want a senior role.

Well I suggested moving as an overall strategy to make your life easier, as commuting is tiring and it will be hard to facilitate eg picking up your kid if they are sick from nursery if it is ‘very remote’. But yes clearly I am a woman putting down another woman and enabling the patriarchy 😆

After school, we've used after school club (paid for private school mainly to be guaranteed 7.30am to 6pm cover each day without needing to book plus good holiday club at extra cost); used an after school nanny; used the adult son of a friend as informal pre-school childcare; negotiated some flexibility on start/finish times (this is the important part) in jobs we were already in. Also did swaps with friends and adopted an older friend as "honorary granny" for awkward stuff like parent's eves where you can't take the child and events during the school day (we're both teachers so if we've got a lesson/lecture, we must be there).

You can solve most childcare problems by throwing cash at them if you choose your school and location sensibly. And when you find a decent employer, stick to them like glue!

Yeah I don't think it's the patriarchy's fault that OP has set up her life to be so hard

Exactly. Sometimes the biggest misogynists are women. They have been so brainwashed they can't even see it in front of their noses.

Fingers crossed the organisation gives the thumbs up to the flex plan, but if not, don't despair!

Most schools will have a "Parents of X school" Facebook page, you could ask on there if anyone has recommendations for a childminder for your DD from September until 6:30pm each day. You could also ask the school if they have any recommendations, or see if any of the staff of the after school club fancy doing 90 mins extra paid childcare at the end of the session? Or how about asking staff from her current Nursery?

Failing that, I would advertise for a part time Nanny role, and ask them to collect from school at the end of the school day (rather than after school club) and do homework and dinner with her at home before you return at 6:30ish. A Nanny is more likely to be interested in 18 hours a week than just 8 or so.

It's crap that it all falls on you to organise, but it is possible. Best of luck to you with your flex request, keeping my fingers crossed for you @AnwI!