To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

[AnwI]

I’ve just been offered a great job. I have a DD who is starting school in September. There is an after school class that is until 5pm. However, for me to get there in time to collect her I would need to leave the office at 4pm. I’ve asked the recruiter to ask this and she’s waiting for a reply.

This job comes with a massive pay rise, it’s a good career move and since becoming a single parent when dd was 3 I’ve done everything I can to keep going. Ex does his bit financially but does absolutely nothing in the week…I’ve tried many times to ask him to change work pattern etc but he says he can’t (or won’t).

I am going to feel absolutely deflated and resentful if this company does not agree to this. I know it’s not the company’s job to ensure my dd is looked after etc etc (im familiar with these points!) but the entire office industry is set up for working men who came home to housewives running the home. I am trying my best here and yet I feel it’s all stacked against me…I absolutely hate that I’ve had to even ask it at all as I wish I could just work as late as I wanted in whichever location I wanted.

I am going to be so crushed if they don’t agree to it.

Could you pay for someone to collect dd and have her till you finish? I realise its another expense but if you are due a pay rise id definitely consider an option like a childminder

Hopefully they say yes, but is a childminder an option if not, either from when school finishes or after the club for an hour or so?

Presumably, if you have been promoted, you are a valued member of the company.
Wishing you luck OP.
You sound like an amazing Mum who is presenting her DD with an excellent role model.

You can't really give up working, you still need to make money - and the benefits you used to be able to receive without being expected to work don't exist anymore. You'd be expected to find work if you were claiming Universal Credit.

I am really sorry if this new workplace can't be flexible for you. It is very unfair.

Can you find an after school babysitter? A paid one? I was always with babysitters after school when I was a child.

@Shatandfattered she would have to be picked up and driven home and I wouldn’t be back until gone 6:30pm. I don’t think that’s right to do that to her and it would cost a huge amount due to the travel element.

Fingers crossed they will.

Unfortunately if they don't already offer flexibility they probably won't offer you the position, otherwise they would open the door to other staff requesting an earlier finishing time.

Is there any local childminders that can collect DD from preschool until 6pm?

Yes @Shatandfattered this is a good idea, at least until you get your feet under the table with new employer OP. Once they see how awesome you are they won't mind. You are well within your rights to ask for flexible working when you start a job now though so I'm depending on the organisation it might not be that big of a deal. You'd probably do twice as much work as a man even on reduced hours.

It's not the company's fault! You and the father are responsible for parenting. If we're going to blame someone, it is society's fault in that we still use the woman as the 'go to' for childcare. Couples need to sit down before they have children to agree how they're going to do it. Blaming a company is ridiculous. Get a child minder.

I was excited about the role but I just feel like everything is stacked against women. In my circle of friends I don’t know any man that has had to make these decisions yet almost all my female friends have. I am just feeling massively resentful and to be honest totally exhausted by the fight to just be able to earn well and be a parent. It seems it isn’t possible if there’s no flexibility

Can you not use a childminder or after school nanny?

It’s not cheap but if it’s a massive pay rise will this help cover it?

@HoskinsChoice large companies are part of the patriarchal structure. They’re still in the main ran by men and men from a generation where they’ve done very little outside work in terms of parenting.

Could she be picked up by a local
child minder and you pick her up from their house?

You’re going to have to get an after school childminder
i think that you’re going to have to look at paying for some childcare in whatever job you ultimately take on
your ex sounds like an arse and I’m sorry he makes your life more difficult

What are their core working hours? I’d probably agree to you finishing at 4 (this would be every day?) but when will you make the time up?

Honestly no suggestions but a great deal of sympathy. I'm also a single mum to 18 month old DD and had to turn down an opportunity at a different company because I knew I wouldn't be able to do the hours and put in the work that would be expected of me in the early stages. I have childcare but I need flexibility and currently have a very understanding and supportive boss. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful but resentful that I can't even entertain other interesting and better paid opportunities.

Ex-DH barely contributes financially and sees DD for a few hours on Saturday. He's not seeing her this weekend because he's working. Would that have been an option for me? No.

I really hope your work are understanding and allow you the flexibility. Could you make up the hours from home after DC is in bed?

Again it not the company's fault it is up to you and your ex, people choise to have children don't blame other people

Everyone has already said it but you don’t seem to want to consider it. Childminder or nanny.

I know it’s expensive, but it will be worth it to progress your career. And you ex should contribute since he’s refusing to look after her himself.

@Candleabra its the sort of role youre expected to generally be available all week late into evenings etc which I am happy to do. I’ve said a pay cut for the hour I’m leaving or work through lunch etc but recruiter said just ask for the flexibility to be in place and I can make up the time as I see fit (it’s a senior professional role)

How many of your friends are male single parents though with an involved ex?

It was probably a mistake to ask this up front.

I would have put in place something expensive like an after school nanny temporarily and then once they saw how great you are and you have a chance to see what their working culture is like in practice, then put in a flexible working request

It shouldn't have to be this way but I do find in practice many employers are much much more flexible once they know you than they are up front to new hires

Are you expecting to leave early and work fewer hours for the same salary or have you suggested that you working 80pc or 90pc of full time (with salary appropriately adjusted) to facilitate pick up?

Asking an employer to pay you the same salary to work fewer hours probably isn't great during a job application process but asking if you can be employed on a 90pc basis is much more reasonable.

Or if your job can be done from home,.then perhaps you can suggest you work five hours in the evening to make up for lost time due to leaving at 4? But that doesn't work if you have a customer facing/interaction role of course.

Work is set up for work. It's not set up for housewives, who you have children with is how you end up with the man being inflexible.

Your frustration should be towards him, who I assume wanted to have your daughter at the time.

Your other option is to take him to court and demand 50/50 where he does 50% of all school drop offs and pick ups and half all holidays, and sick days and you do 50% and you can both get jobs that are fewer hours for him more hours for you.

This is how it changes by making the father of your child equally responsible for the child you both decided to create.

@MojoMoon yes I’ve said to the recruiter I am happy to accept any of these options to ensure I can be there to collect her at 5pm

Ok so that’s a bit different then. If they’re expecting you to be constantly available in the evening then a 4pm finish in this context isn’t too bad. If they want your flexibility then they’ll have to give some back. I’m assuming lawyer or similar?

I hear you, no it’s not the company’s responsibility but a bit of flexibility goes a long way to keeping women in the workplace. We look at subsidised childcare as a resource to support women in work but when children are in school it’s all on mums (typically) to make things work if they want to progress. I’ve needed a variety of working arrangements in my working life - luckily my profession can’t afford to push women out so I’ve always managed to negotiate what I need but it’s harder than it needs to be.