To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

[AnwI]

I’ve just been offered a great job. I have a DD who is starting school in September. There is an after school class that is until 5pm. However, for me to get there in time to collect her I would need to leave the office at 4pm. I’ve asked the recruiter to ask this and she’s waiting for a reply.

This job comes with a massive pay rise, it’s a good career move and since becoming a single parent when dd was 3 I’ve done everything I can to keep going. Ex does his bit financially but does absolutely nothing in the week…I’ve tried many times to ask him to change work pattern etc but he says he can’t (or won’t).

I am going to feel absolutely deflated and resentful if this company does not agree to this. I know it’s not the company’s job to ensure my dd is looked after etc etc (im familiar with these points!) but the entire office industry is set up for working men who came home to housewives running the home. I am trying my best here and yet I feel it’s all stacked against me…I absolutely hate that I’ve had to even ask it at all as I wish I could just work as late as I wanted in whichever location I wanted.

I am going to be so crushed if they don’t agree to it.

I would look into a childminder for her

@frozendaisy it could easily be set up around children of school age. It isn’t as it’s generally not a male problem.

Unfortunately courts cannot make someone parent.

Have you looked into whether any childminders have space? They usually collect your DC (along with others from same school) and walk or drive them back to their own house and you collect DC from there after finishing work.

After school nanny would be the case where they are collecting only your child and driving them back to your own house. This will be more expensive as they are only looking after one child rather than multiple.

Are you sure you want a job when you are expecting to be available and work late into the evening every evening though? If you are a single parent without help from DC's dad how will you manage after school activities, meals, bedtimes etc?

Just get a local childminder to collect your child and pick her up from there at 6 like most normal working parents do. This isn’t the drama you’re making it out to be

I have a childminder who works 7-7 which means I can collect DD feom her at around 6. Why would you DD have to be driven home if at a local childminder - you would just pick her up from there rather than school. My DD lover her child minder, she gets fed well there and gets to play with the other kids

You have to do what every other working parent has to do - childcare. My kids were in after school club as both their dad and me worked.

I don’t think it’s fair to say this is some kind of vendetta against women, children have two parents and it’s up to those parents to figure out who can do pick ups and drop offs etc, that’s something you accept when you have a child, it’s not up to an employer to facilitate that.

If your stance is that all women should have the flexibility they want as mothers then where do you see that ending? Your employer has to say yes to you finishing at 4pm because you need to collect your child and don’t want to pay for a childminder, no problem. But wait, now the mum teachers who run your after school club want to finish at 4pm too, they have kids to collect and if you don’t want to pay a childminder then they don’t see why they should have to either, so now your 4pm finish doesn’t help because after school club finishes at 4pm so you need to leave at 3pm. You need to pop into the corner shop on the way home but actually the woman who works there also has a child, she’s now stopping work at 3:30 to collect her child from school so the shop is closed… where does it end?

The reality is we all have jobs, we can’t all have all the flexibility we want and it’s not up to an employer to facilitate our childcare.

@Schoolchoicesucks i have been working that way since she was 1 (working into evenings etc).

The nursery is very remote, it would be difficult to even find a childminder to do this and I also don’t want to put her on a bus/similar at 5 years old

Surely some of the blame needs to be directed at the crap fathers who don’t step up.

Also @AnwI are you suggesting that you will then WFH in the evenings once your DD is home. With no other adult in the house the workplace might not like that either.

Any chance of an after school nanny?

Companies are part of society. They are made up of the people who assume women will pick up childcare slack. Although many are working hard with flexible policies now, it's not universal.

I think the idea that you can have a conversation before having children and then many years later, after the relationship has completely broken down, hold the other person to the terms of that conversation, unrealistic.

I hear you and agree completely. Fingers crossed, @AnwI! Lots of places have core hours of 10-4 so hopefully you’ll get what you need.

I think with school age child this should be fine. Pre-schooler would be a no-no.

This is a load of shit.

Read my other reply, how do you see all businesses being able to set up around school hours? Shops, petrol stations, cafes etc only open between 9 and 4 because outside of that parents can’t work? Your local hospital, would you only have that open between 9 and 4, because lots of those nurses, doctors, consultants, surgeons etc are also parents, so they should be allowed the same flexibility, yes? What about your energy supplier, or your WiFi, you’ll only be able to contact them in school hours because you know, those mums don’t want to pay for childcare either, they deserve the same flexibility that you have?

The bank, that will only be open 9-4 now, childcare!

Work is work. Childcare is a parents responsibility, you have to choose the job to fit your responsibilities.

If more dads stepped up, it wouldn’t automatically be assumed by society that women will take the hit.

If you have a spare room an au pair could solve this. Otherwise I’d get a childminder or seek a nannyshare.

I think you do need to look at childcare options like an after school nanny or a childminder who works later. Your dd will be fine, and I don’t think a single dad would hesitate.

I can’t see a senior professional role would accept you leaving at 4 pm everyday. Or certainly not without a 7.30/ 8 am start to make up for it. Working through lunch or being paid a bit less doesn’t usually cut it because presumably they need someone to work for the hours they’ve specified?

An after school nanny might also be available occasionally when she’s unwell?

I don’t think it’s fair to say this is some kind of vendetta against women, children have two parents and it’s up to those parents to figure out who can do pick ups and drop offs etc, that’s something you accept when you have a child, it’s not up to an employer to facilitate that.

Children may have two parents but when a relationship breaks down one of those parents (usually the man) can walk away with minimal responsibility for their day to day care. The woman literally left holding the baby has her career choices limited while the ex can do their own thing - and if he refuses to help there’s little power to force him. Employers could do more to support women in the workplace, to the benefit of society as a whole.

If she’s preschool, would you even be able to wfh in a meaningful way in the evenings? After she’s in bed may not work as everyone else will be gone.

I am sympathetic to what you say about how hard it is don’t get me wrong- I’m a single parent who has always worked ft. I think the answer is better childcare options available- like they have in Scandinavian countries!

Personally I think you'd have been better off suggesting either an earlier start to cover the time, or reducing to 4 or 4.5 days pay to cover it.

When people suggest they will work 'flexibly' and cover missed hours in the evening they never do, nobody is online to notice they aren't working and no parent of a young kid is sorting the dinner, getting kids to bed then sitting down to work

I hate when people claim to be making up hours in the evening. They rarely are.

Or society could do more to hold men to account for it!

I hope they will agree OP

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing that would work too, but I dont see any appetite for it.

If i was the recruiting manager I would allow this however I would ask that you had options if there was a meeting at 4pm one day that you were needed to attend on an exceptions basis. That might be a babysitter, another parent, childminder, family etc and I mean something like once a quarter so not frequent.

if they come back with no I would try and get a meeting with the recruiting manager to discuss options. Do you know much about your line manager, their family situation etc? My boss is a middle aged man with kids now at uni but he remembered his wife doing part time when his kids were small for example, when I was discussing my flexible working request with him so he understood why I wanted to do it.

You need to arrange for a childminder to do the pick up. There will be couples who both work long FT hours who have to make this sort of provision for their children. Saying that men have SAHMs to do this for them as a general rule these days is ridiculous. Some do, many don't.

As others have said, you have an ex problem rather than a work problem. My DH starts later and finishes later and does school drop offs, I start earlier and finish earlier and do pick ups.
However, as you say, you cannot force him to parent.
That's an early finish for an after school club, our (costs extra and run by an external provider in their school) runs 7.45-8.45 and 3.30 to 6. Do any others schools near you have longer hours?

You also need a plan for school holidays?

You have my sympathy, DH and I struggle to make it work with 2 of us, it must be really hard on your own. But that is not your employers problem. If you prove your worth you often get more flexibility, but it's harder to request that before you start.