To feel if they say no that I may as well bloody well give up on working? And that women are still having to make the compromise?

[AnwI]

I’ve just been offered a great job. I have a DD who is starting school in September. There is an after school class that is until 5pm. However, for me to get there in time to collect her I would need to leave the office at 4pm. I’ve asked the recruiter to ask this and she’s waiting for a reply.

This job comes with a massive pay rise, it’s a good career move and since becoming a single parent when dd was 3 I’ve done everything I can to keep going. Ex does his bit financially but does absolutely nothing in the week…I’ve tried many times to ask him to change work pattern etc but he says he can’t (or won’t).

I am going to feel absolutely deflated and resentful if this company does not agree to this. I know it’s not the company’s job to ensure my dd is looked after etc etc (im familiar with these points!) but the entire office industry is set up for working men who came home to housewives running the home. I am trying my best here and yet I feel it’s all stacked against me…I absolutely hate that I’ve had to even ask it at all as I wish I could just work as late as I wanted in whichever location I wanted.

I am going to be so crushed if they don’t agree to it.

Do you have room for an au pair? That would give you the flexibility you need.

If your nursery is that remote and not before/after school care you should really consider moving her. In my area it’s very difficult to get a nursery place for 1 year olds but there are places for pre-school children at school nurseries.

You need to choose a school and pre-school which will have wraparound care, even if it isn’t the closest. If you have enough money you could consider private school, they usually have better wraparound care and longer hours anyway.

I've spent the morning in Reddit about reading the struggles of men trying to take their paternity leave, unpaid parental leave and how they have not been entitled to use their extended paternity leave benefits that has been part of the benefits package. Society is still assuming women take the hit, eveb when men want to take responsibility.

And how would that be enforced?

I think the point is that companies can be the leaders of change. The man out working and woman available for childcare model doesn't work in many instances anymore. Adjusting the hours ever so slightly could make a huge difference for a working mother. Won't work in every instance as some jobs will just naturally need certain hours. However plenty have the capacity to change, but just don't because it's male dominated and they don't see the issue. I would put some blame on the companies if it's feasible to change, then why not.

I think you're being unfair making it a man and woman thing, if the job doesn't allow for you to leave at 4 that's the job, it's nothing to do with you being a woman

If they don’t then I would see that this company may not be great in the long run.

I worked in so many jobs that weren’t flexible and they weren’t great companies. I know some can’t be - If it’s a role where someone needs to cover you - but if not then I don’t see why they can’t.

You are avoiding the childminder questions and I totally get it OP - you are fed up and resentful. But that’s not going to help you.

You are right you won’t find a childminder to do an hour. But you will usually be able to find one who can do school pick up and keep her until 6pm.

This. Consider engaging a childminder or babysitter.

I had this exact situation when DS was about to start school. Back in 2011, no flexibility (senior civil service). So I found a childminder who was collecting other kids from the school (our county council had them listed by school) and then I knew DS would be going “home” at 3 with the others - in school to 5 at age 4/5 is a looooong day, even if your kid is used to 8-6 in nursery as mine was. So then the after school care was gold plated for a couple of years while I got my feet under the table at work - and she even did overnight stays when I had to be at a dinner or other event. Then when he wanted to do things like football after school in Y2, I had enough in the bank of goodwill from my director to be able to leave at 4 if I needed to, a couple of days a week.

TL/DR: look on your local council website for childminder list by school. Or stalk the school gates and ask about. My CM had a minivan and collected from 3 local schools.

Your other option is to take him to court and demand 50/50 where he does 50% of all school drop offs and pick ups and half all holidays, and sick days and you do 50% and you can both get jobs that are fewer hours for him more hours for you.

I'd love to know how this works

Congratulations getting to this stage in the interview process!

It's a whole other juggling act when they hit school.

If they don't agree (and I hope they do...!) is there another school that DD could attend with a longer after school club?
Another parent in the same situation so could have shared childminder / nanny for after school?

Another thing to think about, when she gets a bit older, she may want to do clubs / activities after school- sports, crafts etc It's really hard to do this when working as they sometimes start early. If you have a nanny (or an aupair?) they could take them along. They would also be able to facilitate playdates, cook DD dinner, do homework with her.

oh you’d be very surprised…you can often find me at my desk between 8 and 11pm after a full school work day, just to keep up with the workload, but that’s a whole other thread!

Sorry, but many children have to do that, both in single and two parent families, it's really not that unusual.

Yes it's difficult, but sometimes you just have to get on with it - it's simply not posible to have everything.

There's no can't here. You don't want to.

I agree but it's the system that is stacked against you and your ex. You've said this job entails you being available in the evenings too, that cuts into your child's time. Then your child gets sick a lot in the early years, school holidays who cares for her then?

Being brutally honest you're really not in the right place time for a position like this unless you have grandparents Etc to pick up the slack.

Um not in my experience!

I see what you say although its not unusual, its businesses needs not yours that are their consideration. Business hasn't caught up with the requirements for women to work and they can pick and choose.

Although my male boss put in a flexible request to be able to tag team childcare with his partner. It was refused. He does it anyway, an hour every day that he should be at work. We are expected to 'cover' ie lie if anyone rings. I don't know any personally but he claims women management in the company elsewhere get it authorised as standard and it was discrimination..🤔

Your rage at the company seems completely misguided. You need to be raging at your ex. He is responsible here. Or raging at the school.

saying a childminder is going to be expensive is a fairly ridiculous response too.

did you have other options for your primary school decision. I’m wrap around care was our biggest deciding factor when we were applying for school places. That said we still had some issues with school club being massively oversubscribed and with petitioning from parents school have really upped their game and now have ample provision. Plus my partner knows he needs to be involved and pick uk his fair share.

you need other options that blaming the company shouldering the whole patriarchy

I had a childminder pick dd up - have you checked this possibility

I think you raise an issue that impacts all families whether they are divorced, together and both work or even families that have a SAHP. Who meets the child's needs? It's all very well talking about childminders etc but that just isn't an option for everyone for lots of different, often quite complex reasons. Often a parent has to take the hit somehow and yet society seems extremely reluctant to even acknowledge this, let alone make allowances or compensations for it.

Our birth rate is plummeting and parents simply won't be able to compete with child free colleagues when it comes to flexibility.

Is there no nursery running after school care? I live in a town with 3 private nurseries and every one of them has an after school club which runs till 6.30pm. They collect from all the local schools at finishing time and take them to wherever they run their after school club (a couple on their nursery premises and the other in the local lifestyles hall). You then collect from there at 6.30. Is there nothing like that?

Are au pairs still a thing (with changes to visas etc?). I’ve known lots of women / families who had an au pair, and it generally worked really well. Lots of flexibility, could get your dc home from afterschool / nursery and feed them, and helpful with bedtime stuff / dc’s laundry / cooking etc.

You are totally right, OP.

Fingers crossed they offer the flexibility for you. Hope it all goes well x

And people are using this post to have a dig. So predictable.