To think we say we want both parents to make changes to work patterns after baby but in reality workplaces don't want dad's to actually

[LostShepherdsPie]

It’s 2025 and I would like to think that we expect dad's to be fully hands on, especially on those early years and so if we do see a dad needing flexibility to do drop off etc it would be supported. When I returned from mat leave, I went part-time through a flexible working request so I thought it's only fair my partner is uses flexi-time to do nursery drop-offs and hybrid working to help with the one day when I'm at work and we don't have a nursery space for that day but it’s been met with frosty reactions.

Today, while WFH and juggling care after family support fell through, our 16-month-old briefly appeared on camera. Even after giving a heads-up and apologising, he felt judged.

Funny how women doing the same get asked, “Isn’t your husband around?” as if to say can't they help out? Yet, here my husband is doing just that but he's telling me he's getting strong hints it's frowned upon.
For context he is working in the charity sector / public sector and I thought they were all, 'were fully supportive of flexible work patterns / blah blah ...not quite huh.

Btw He’s doing a great job at work, with glowing feedback so it's not a case that any of this is actually impacting his work.

Depends on the role. My DH travelled the country when our youngest was little. He couldn't just work part time or do short days. He could hardly travel to Glasgow and nursery drop off and back In time for school pick up.

You’re so unreasonable I can only assume it’s a joke.

I’m a woman, my employer is brilliant for flexible working, but I would still be reprimanded if I was looking after my child while being paid to work! That’s not “flexible working”, that’s taking the piss and you can rightly be sacked for it.

WFH when your children are primary age or older just about works as most people can juggle around the drop off and pick up times, and use clubs etc for longer days, but how do you WFH with a toddler? Mine would have been constantly crawling off/opening cupboards/wanting to play.
I think it’s really sad if people are WFH and just letting their toddlers get on with it.

OP you are not unreasonable to expect both parents to adjust their work to accommodate caring for their children.
DH and I both worked 4 days a week at one point with DC in childcare/school and wraparound for the 3 days we both worked and we each had a day home with them.

However YABU by having a day or days when you are both working and trying to care for a baby without childcare in place. As a one-off when children are older this can work for the odd day in school holidays or if child is too ill for school but happy enough to lie on sofa all day. But not with a baby. You will be doing a half-arsed job at either work, childcare or both.

If childcare arrangements fall through, my employer would expect me to take a day off as carer's leave. If there was an urgent deadline or piece of work that needed completing, I would do that but not be joining calls etc.

You need a better childcare arrangement that covers hours when you and DH are both working.

Flexible working and looking after a toddler are not the same thing. In my last role we had flexibility and tbh they were great if you had a sick kid BUT we were not allowed to look after children while working.

Im now a freelancer and i only work when DC at nursery or if he’s asleep as working with a toddler is like putting a fan on and trying to sort paperwork!

Nobody is expected to WFH whilst caring for a child, and nobody should be doing that, from a safety perspective if nothing else.

If people do it (which I'm sure they do) then they are breaking policies. I'm sure if their managers found out they would not be happy, regardless of whether they are male or female.

There are flexible working regulations which allow everyone (parents and non parents) to request flexible working and employers are required to consider it.

So many women do not do this, it is small minority. I don’t know and have never known any women wfh and doing the childcare at the same time. It is a piss take.

Women most certainly aren't expected to do in fact mostly it's very much frowned upon as quite a few do indeed attempt it.
Its a huge bugbear for me because it propagates the stereotype that women are less committed and frankly anyone trying to claim they can work + look after a baby /toddler/ pre schooler is absolutely not committed to their job.
You can at a push work for a couple of hours after school with a child at home but you cannot wfh all day with a young child at home.
Realistically until a child is old enough to occupy themselves properly for like 2hr+ at a time you can't work with them at home. They need to be 7 or 8 at least.

We need more women in senior leadership positions. Not in boardrooms but at grassroots levels and that would begin to balance things out in terms of expectations.
I met yesterday with somebody who is juggling a £550,000 a year job as a CFO with her Twins. She hasn’t taken any maternity leave whatsoever. She sits breastfeeding her child on camera. And nobody bats an eyelid at that level, it’s expected. They can’t afford to lose her so they won’t criticise her.
That needs to filter down urgently and the only way it will happen with women in senior positions. The patriarchy works for none of us.

A quite senior male member of our company works for days to accommodate childcare. He also changes the day off if necessary and regularly logs off to do the nursery run and logs back on later.

A male member of my immediate team works full time but negotiated remote working so he was always at home (bar around 6 times a year we do f2f team meetings) to allow for nursery drops and pick ups because his wife works in healthcare and has less flexibility.

Men are absolutely allowed to ask for these accommodations and it will be granted as often as it is for women. It's just that less ask.

I think it depends on the company, my DH has always had flexibility with his jobs and in my company I can think of a few dads who have either shared maternity leave or worked flexibly to work around childcare. My brother went part time though and his work allowed it but he could tell thought it was very weird for a dad to do that, so he moved somewhere else.
Nobody can really work with a 16 month old at home though, even when I did it with my then 5 year old around during covid it was extremely difficult. If he is regularly doing that then maybe that’s why they’re being funny with him. If it was a one off then yeah they sound a bit unreasonable.
There no way anyone can look after a young child and work full time. Maybe people you know who do it have agreed that with their work they’re going to be doing reduced hours one day and making it up the rest of the week, either that or they’re taking the piss.
I’ve always done school pickups 3 days a week but that’s half an hour of my day which I make up as break time and working a slightly longer day. Work also know about it and don’t care.

"Hybrid working" means sometimes working in the office and sometimes working from home. It doesn’t mean sometimes working in the office and sometimes trying to get some work done while looking after a small child at home. Your DH, like other workers, is paid to work during working hours, not to look after his dependent child.

It's people - male or female - like your DH taking liberties like this that’s making some firms stop allowing any working from home at all. I don’t blame them.

Delusional to think you can work & look after a baby ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️

The only time my dh has done wfh meetings with a sick toddler sleeping on the sofa it's been a one off and work have still wanted him to do the meetings rather than take a day off.

Unfortunately we have found wherever he works the attitude had still been well you've got a wife why do you need to work flexible or take sick days for kids. He still does and within the department he manages he encourages the other dads to put family first. They all cover eachother. But the wider company are always putting pressure on to work as if he has no family at all. Working all week then weekends too or going back in the evenings, don't take any holiday in the school holidays. It's a constant battle of them pushing boundaries which he has to navigate to hold and keep his job. This is actually the best place he has worked at too. Other jobs praised him for his work then the moment he mentioned flexible working they pushed him out starting saying he has a terrible work ethic or he shouldn't of had children.

So when people say oh you're dh should be doing their share of drop offs sick days etc absolutely they should. But it's still a battle and it's risky in jobs. Particularly male dominated industries. We need more men doing it for it to become the normal. I just wish more workplaces were more flexible in approach and mindset not just ticking the box and pressurring people to not actully use it. They all seem to assume everyone has 4 grandparents retired just waiting in the wings to do all childcare or sick days. Nope not here.

I wfh full time and have young kids. It’s great because it’s easy to do nursery drop off and I don’t have to rush, can drop off just before 9. If they take unwell, I’m nearby which is handy. On the days she is unwell and has to come home, I tell my boss and either take annual leave or work back the hours in the evening if it’s later on in the day. There is no way I could wfh and look after my child. I wouldn’t perform well at my job and I wouldn’t perform well as a parent. I’d either at my desk working or sitting with child playing. You can’t do both unless you park the child infront of the tv all day in which case put your child in nursery!!!!

No one should be WFH and looking after a baby. I suspect many women are doing this and this is giving wfh working women a bad name. I’m willing to bet that many men are encouraging it to save money but wouldn’t do it themselves. Your DH should not be doing it.

The issue is that society as a whole hasn’t moved forward sufficiently and specifically many men don’t want the burden of childcare. Women face the pressure of the burden and are therefore more likely to try and minimise the cost. How often do we hear ‘it’s not worth me returning to some as all my salary will go on childcare’ when actually it’s a shared cost where there are 2 parents. Women are often their own worst enemy.

I assume she has a nanny that looks after the children the rest of the time though - or a SAHP

At my workplace men frequently take extended paternity leave, work flexible hours around childcare or do the school pick up and drop off. It is absolutely frowned upon for either sex to use WFH to look after children or allow their young children to appear on Teams meetings

You can't work from home and look after a 16 month old child.
You can work from home if you've got older children who are basically self sufficient and don't need you 'every five minutes' - children in high school.
Your DP was obviously not working to his full capacity and should have taken the day off.

Of course he was being judged if he was meant to be WFH. When my husband WFH his colleagues loving seeing DC even having a chat to them, but that's because they know I'm there and he's actually working

I agree. It is also totally unfair to employees who do not have kids. There’s a particular tyoe of parent who hides their workshy habits behind childcare/flexiworking habits and it gives the rest of us (who balance both conscientiously) a bad name.

If your child care falls through one of you needs to take the day off either annual leave or flexi if you have it. The answer isn’t continue working with a young child. Of course he was judged.

This. I manage a team of men and women and we are very flexible to everyone - it works as they are very grateful and work hard as they recognise this. However we are very very very clear - this flexibility does not mean they can use WFH to look after children. If there is a child in the house we expect there to be another adult looking after that child.
if a child is sick we are flexible and allow people to take time off.
in COVID it was different but once that was over we were very clear about our expectations.

We had a 9-month old baby at a Zoom meeting last week.

Colleague's daughter had an urgent medical appointment, son-in-law was working 70 miles away, so granny stepped up. She had no other appointments that day and was catching up on admin.

No-one minded, because we have an employer that has family-friendly policies that are more than just words on paper, and understands what "flexible" really means.