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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think we say we want both parents to make changes to work patterns after baby but in reality workplaces don't want dad's to actually

248 replies

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:03

It’s 2025 and I would like to think that we expect dad's to be fully hands on, especially on those early years and so if we do see a dad needing flexibility to do drop off etc it would be supported. When I returned from mat leave, I went part-time through a flexible working request so I thought it's only fair my partner is uses flexi-time to do nursery drop-offs and hybrid working to help with the one day when I'm at work and we don't have a nursery space for that day but it’s been met with frosty reactions.

Today, while WFH and juggling care after family support fell through, our 16-month-old briefly appeared on camera. Even after giving a heads-up and apologising, he felt judged.

Funny how women doing the same get asked, “Isn’t your husband around?” as if to say can't they help out? Yet, here my husband is doing just that but he's telling me he's getting strong hints it's frowned upon.
For context he is working in the charity sector / public sector and I thought they were all, 'were fully supportive of flexible work patterns / blah blah ...not quite huh.

Btw He’s doing a great job at work, with glowing feedback so it's not a case that any of this is actually impacting his work.

OP posts:
Playdoh45 · 02/05/2025 06:55

Wow I came on to say dads should have flexability and my partner does (9 day fortnight - has our son on his day off) but your not asking for flexability???
Your basicly asking that he can work and do childcare at the same time?????

I WFH myself and this is simply not allowed.
It would be wrong for my to do this on my company but also my son would be bored!!

Get him in daycare like everyone else who doesn't take the Micky!

BlondiePortz · 02/05/2025 06:55

I am finding anyone using the term 'flexible working'' is code for I will work when it suits me never mind how it works for colleagues nor the company

kalokagathos · 02/05/2025 06:56

We’ve just managed out a team member who wasn’t really working and didn’t have childcare sorted. Work quality, speed of response and reliability was impacted and she was just the other day let go for gross misconduct because of going AWOL. Her child was 18 months and I could hear him in most conference calls and even see him climbing on her. So annoying.

Fetchthevet · 02/05/2025 06:58

PartyGoose · 02/05/2025 06:12

Looking after a toddler whilst you're meant to be working from home is a) not the same thing at all as "making changes to work patterns" and b) the sort of thing that's leading to employers ordering everyone back to the office.

And c) It's not at all fair on the child

ChocolateIsForLife · 02/05/2025 06:59

I have worked from home for years. This year is the first time I have worked from home when there is no other adult at home & the DC are also at home. My DC are both in secondary school. There are still parts of my role which are hard to complete when they are at home (as I can’t be disturbed & don’t want the internet to fail) so I find alternative childcare eg they go to a friend/family.
I really don’t believe you can effectively work and parent a young child at the same time. I don’t believe employers are happy with this. They perhaps had to turn a blind eye during the covid lockdowns but this was a long time ago now.

neverbeenskiing · 02/05/2025 07:00

Flexible working does not mean what you and your DH think it means. Shit like this is why so many people I know are under pressure to go back to the office. Too many people have chosen to interpret "flexible working" as working PT hours for FT pay.
If you don't want to pay for childcare on the day you work then your DH needs to put in a Flexible Working request asking to drop a day. He can't just claim he's "working from home" when he's actually looking after a toddler and then be outraged that his colleagues who are genuinely working from home for the same wage don't find your 16 month old popping up on Teams calls adorable and applaud him for being a brilliant "hands on" Dad.

BejewelledCat · 02/05/2025 07:01

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

Our company WFH policy expressly states that when WFH, you should not be undertaking childcare responsibilities on those days. I have colleagues that do it 'under the radar' and it's hugely disruptive to our team.

MeetMyCat · 02/05/2025 07:03

FancyNewt · 02/05/2025 06:06

Was he working and looking after the baby? How does that work?

Sorry but even my flexible, helpful, public sector employer takes a very dim view of people who claim they can work and care for a baby/young child, at the same time

HoppingPavlova · 02/05/2025 07:03

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.
A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages

No woman is expected to do it. It’s not allowed most places, nor should it be. Your description of ‘flexible working’ was quite deceptive, as you were actually talking about your DH staying home and looking after his child in work time, no wonder they have the hump!!!! I’d say they would be supportive of flexible working, which is earlier or later start/finish or wfh for the day to allow for childcare drop/off pick/up etc. Flexible doesn’t pertain to getting your employer to pay you for looking after your kids, whether people think they can manage or not! Although, how you would engage and care for a toddler while effectively working I have no idea. If childcare fell through, he needed to take emergency leave for the day.

JoyousEagle · 02/05/2025 07:05

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

The people telling you that are idiots. And your friend is risking being fired. This would be totally unacceptable where I work. And leaving aside how the employer feels, it’s basically neglectful to your child to spend the day looking after them but actually on your laptop the whole time. What do you do if you have a call - shut them in a room and ignore them?

Cynic17 · 02/05/2025 07:05

Neither parent should be looking after a child on a day when they are allegedly working from home. OP, you and your partner are giving WFH staff a bad reputation, and it's nothing to do with whether you're male or female.
Any employer would be furious, because the job is not being done properly - and it can't be great for the child either.
Just pay for proper childcare.

MeetMyCat · 02/05/2025 07:06

Its things like this that give WFH a bad name

Absolutely

Ddakji · 02/05/2025 07:12

Any woman who attempted to WFH and look after a toddler would be judged, @LostShepherdsPie. That’s a circle that can’t square. Nothing to do with flexibility or him being a man or anything.

Childcare falling through with a toddler = taking the day off.

drowninginsick · 02/05/2025 07:16

I work in a public sector org that’s extremely supportive. Lots of people including Dads have flexi time around drop off etc and compressed hours. It would be absolutely frowned upon and seen as very unprofessional to have a baby pop up n screen. He should have taken sick leave or parental leave.

Didimum · 02/05/2025 07:22

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

What? I don’t know who your friends and acquaintances are, but no.

I work in a very women-heavy industry and this is an absolute no. Someone’s child popping up on a work call would likely lead to a conversation to clarify what childcare they have in place.

My DH works for public sector and they are flexible about childcare. He also has a ‘big job’.

scotstars · 02/05/2025 07:23

Anyone male or female would be frowned upon for working from home with a toddler in background. He cannot work and look after the baby you both need to get reliable childcare organised asap

Codlingmoths · 02/05/2025 07:23

FancyNewt · 02/05/2025 06:06

Was he working and looking after the baby? How does that work?

It sounds like a one off after family care fell through - I’ve done plenty of that with nanny sick days, made having a nanny a bit tricky.

Fleur405 · 02/05/2025 07:26

I came in to say that it’s definitely changing and I know a few dads now who have reduced their hours and/or taken extended paternity leave. But you seem to be talking about working from home while looking after a 16 month old. That isn’t really the solution (I work from home and me work very much expects me not to be looking after my toddler while I’m working!)

Hamandpineapplepizza · 02/05/2025 07:29

Noone should be WFH and looking after a young child!
That's why he was judged.

My work place has sacked people (male and female) for doing that.

TheEllisGreyMethod · 02/05/2025 07:29

Nobody, male or female should be wfh or doing childcare.
Your DH has the same right as you to request a change of working pattern, condensed hours.
Dh and I both did flexible working requests so we each have her 1 day a week

JoyousEagle · 02/05/2025 07:30

Codlingmoths · 02/05/2025 07:23

It sounds like a one off after family care fell through - I’ve done plenty of that with nanny sick days, made having a nanny a bit tricky.

Show quote history

But OP says she also uses hybrid working to help on the day she is working but they don’t have a nursery space. So doesn’t sound like they always have childcare for that day.

SamDeanCas · 02/05/2025 07:30

I think now that Covid is over, everyone would be frowned upon for having a child in the background on a teams call. I wfh and did do way before Covid and my manager would have been very unhappy if I’d have been looking after a child whilst wfh.

I actually feel it’s easier for men to get away with this than women. If a man is wfh and looking after a child, the age old misogyny comes into play. Oh what a great dad he is looking after baby whilst working, or ‘letting’ his wife work whilst he does the childcare. Whereas a woman should work full time and still be the default parent

Notmydaughteryoubitch · 02/05/2025 07:30

We have flexible working, including 9 day fortnight,we work hybrid, with majority wfh. However if an employee had childcare issues for a 16 month old who needs high levels of supervision I would expect them to take leave of some description to care for them not to half arse work and half arse the care of the child. It is somewhat different if the child is much older, a 10 year old for example who can be reasonably self sufficient.

Hamandpineapplepizza · 02/05/2025 07:31

The better way to manage it would be for him to do compressed hours so he does four longer days and takes that day off.

It's not fair on the toddler or the employer to try and juggle work and childcare like thst

luckylavender · 02/05/2025 07:34

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

That's not wfh & no good employer would accept it