To think we say we want both parents to make changes to work patterns after baby but in reality workplaces don't want dad's to actually

[LostShepherdsPie]

It’s 2025 and I would like to think that we expect dad's to be fully hands on, especially on those early years and so if we do see a dad needing flexibility to do drop off etc it would be supported. When I returned from mat leave, I went part-time through a flexible working request so I thought it's only fair my partner is uses flexi-time to do nursery drop-offs and hybrid working to help with the one day when I'm at work and we don't have a nursery space for that day but it’s been met with frosty reactions.

Today, while WFH and juggling care after family support fell through, our 16-month-old briefly appeared on camera. Even after giving a heads-up and apologising, he felt judged.

Funny how women doing the same get asked, “Isn’t your husband around?” as if to say can't they help out? Yet, here my husband is doing just that but he's telling me he's getting strong hints it's frowned upon.
For context he is working in the charity sector / public sector and I thought they were all, 'were fully supportive of flexible work patterns / blah blah ...not quite huh.

Btw He’s doing a great job at work, with glowing feedback so it's not a case that any of this is actually impacting his work.

There's no talking to you.

Expectations from everyone need to shift, or else nothing will change. It'll still be those odd men who like their families who pull their weight and no one will expect it of the others because "that's what men do".

You need to change your views too, and consider if the fact that you just expect men to not pull their weight feeds into it all.

I do expect men to pull their actually and I strongly advise my adult daughters not to have children with anyone who doesn't appreciate that it's not only their career that's important. I don't believe that workplaces treat men and women differently with regard to flexible work and any man that says they do is just trying to get out of doing their fair share.

I work partly from home and on one occasion due to an emergency I had to care for my one year old grandson. I told my manager, as we had an important meeting that morning and she understood it was a one off. As soon as the meeting finished I took accumulated TOIL for the rest of the day. No way would I be able to do this normally and get anything done!

It seems to me you both seem to forget that wfh means actually working, and being available to your employer for the agreed hours! Looking after a baby does not mean you are working from home, it means you are looking after baby first and foremost and the employer is second. Most women who do both work in such a way that their hours can be flexible, so they can work a few hours in the day whilst the baby naps/ kids at school and make up the other time in the evening when the children are in bed. It is usually when the employee doesn’t need to have them stick to office hours as long as their work is done. I think if your husband was having meetings online then he certainly should not be responsible for the child too.

Most parents juggle these days. I worked nights whilst hubby worked days. This way the child care fell to him after work. We did have some nursery hours just to give us both time for a break as well, plus got a babysitter every couple of months for an evening off.

i think you have not grasped concept fully

DH and I both work full time but over 4 days with a different weekday off each per week. I wfh but DH can work from home on occasion and on site also. This is good flexible working. However, both roles would frown upon working and caring for a child. I have on occasion had DS at home whilst working eg for illness etc. but wouldn’t make this a regular thing because I can’t work to my full potential / as expected of me while caring for DS. I am female.

It's odd how so many blamed the husband for doing what he has to and not what he should. Mysandry is running lose in here.

It's good, OP, that you're seeing the inherent sexism and discrimination in the system. Men can't be the same type of parent as mothers as long as the system doesn't see us the same. This isn't his fault or under his control unless he quits or finds more accomodating employment, which will be very unlikely.

WFH means you WORK from home. I might pop a load of washing in whilst I’m waiting for the kettle to boil, but looking after a rambunctious toddler whilst working is a nono. How are you supposed to get any work done? How is your child safeguarded and looked after whilst you’re working? I don’t understand.

I work harder and longer from home, and don’t want it spoiled by people who decide that WFH means they don’t need child care 🙄. You do.

yes, WFH gives me the flexibility to start work early, to do the school runs, but then I’m working past my normal time to catch up if I’m in traffic or having to go to doctors. The only time I would say you can have a child at home with you, is if the over 8 and are poorly!

I employ staff and allow some of them to WFH if needed (it’s role dependent) but I would not allow an employee male or female to WFH so they can also perform childcare in the same way I don’t allow staff to bring their toddlers to the office for the day. If the children are older and simply need an adult in the house then I have allowed it when they have been off school ill and occasional school holidays but productivity is closely monitored. I couldn’t WFH and look after a baby/toddler - I wouldn’t get any work done or I would be neglecting my child all day?

Where I work we have a really good WFH and flexi policy for father’s to help with childcare. WFH (childcare) allows a father to be home to support his partner at home but not to care for the child as sole carer. We had a similar incident where a parent was WFH as the sole carer and they were then forced back to the office. They were given the option of flexi or part-time work or full time office base. WFH unless agreed with employer should not be used an alternative to daycare.

That advice is probably one of the primary reasons some employers want workers in the office more. Few people abuse aomething, eventually spoils it for everyone

Your partner can’t work and look after an 18month old, likewise neither can you. I’m not surprised it was frowned upon. I WFH and there is no way I would be able to work and look after a tot.

However both my work and my DH’s is work are flexible where they can be and understand that we have children and sometimes we will need to finish early or start late and that time will be made up another time.

probably because he was supposed to be working not doing childcare. Not acceptable for either parent.

And it’s this kind of attitude that will ruin working from home for all other parents

work from home and put your kid in nursery so you can do the job you are paid to do without interruptions. Sorry this is shocking mindset

someone I know who works in the nhs was working from home and looking after her child for months as she couldn’t afford to send them to nursery. I thought it was totally wrong but management actually condoned it. I really felt that child had a raw deal as did my friend. It’s totally wrong on all fronts and shouldn’t have been allowed

Except the husband isn't being discriminated against as nobody is allowed to wfh and look after children st the same time.

Most employment contracts are clear that you can’t use WFH in place of childcare - my boss is very flexible but I still notify him if childcare has fallen through or if one is home sick so he isn’t surprised (or thinks I’m taking the piss). I pay for very expensive before and after school childcare to comply with my employer contract and yes I’d be annoyed if I thought a colleague wasn’t doing the same

My daughter was 2 during Covid and working with her around drove me pretty much to the edge of my sanity. I can’t believe there are people who choose to do this 🤯

Oh do kindly take a break from condescending attitude, the like of which is so rampant on this forum it's unreal. it's v clear in my initial post that I said on that particular day childcare had fallen through and whatever decision my partner decides to make in regards to working or calling in to make adjustments is his decision not mine.
I had sourced a back up for him and told him he could work from my mother's house where there is a separate home office but he chose not too.

What I have noticed is that childcare arrangements nearly always fall upon the woman to take care of, even if she already has gone part time to take care of up to half the working week.

And I do not work from home thank you.

Have you grasped the concept of reading and comprehension?

@LostShepherdsPie What does that have to do with anything in your initial post and the question you asked there?

Today, while WFH and juggling care after family support fell through, our 16-month-old briefly appeared on camera. Even after giving a heads-up and apologising, he felt judged

Then your second post, asked ‘so why is it okay for a woman’.

People have responded accordingly, then your last post made no sense. The fact was, your DH was observed by his workplace, wfh while caring for a toddler. That’s got nothing to do with your mums house or office. The reason your DH’s work had the hump with him is that he was doing something he should not be doing. And, that no woman should be doing. His workplace should/would have been just as unimpressed if DH was a woman.

Or, are you saying, the issue is women at DH’s work, wfh with young kids, and the workplace is happy for that, but not your DH because he is a man? That’s the only thing here that would make any sense.

It's rife OP!

It was an emergency, you made the plan (mental load) and then criticism about you working from home (which you do too) just not this day.

We're damned if we do, damned if we don't.

Post made perfect dense to me.

Good for you for having a hands on partner even if it's challenging for him! You do you x

An underlying sadness that befalls me is how modern employees, many here included, are under the impression that their work tells them how to live their lives. Remember one crucial thing, you are the resource, not the employer. You are what is required in your work relationship with your employer, not them. If you WFH and have to watch your child on an odd day, your work should support you; demand it of them. If you were in an office and childcare fell through, you'll have to take the day off. Where is the productivity then?

It sounds like I'm talking stupid, but I'm not. Demand they treat you like the adult that you are. You aren't a child and shouldn't be treated like one.

Take note; If all businesses disappeared today, there would still be humans. If all humans disappeared today, there wouldn't be any businesses either.

Who needs who more? Demand respect from your employer or find an employer that can provide it. Stop believing that their rules are mandatory, they are not. I'll live cash poor and happy long before I live rich and miserable.

Your things aren't worth your soul.

Post made perfect dense to me

Love it!

That's all very nice, but in this job market you're having a laugh. Of course people should advocate for themselves, seek a fair balance and not be absorbed by work; but no one is irreplaceable at work (despite here on MN people always claiming to have super niche jobs no one else could possibly ever do) and honestly it's an employers market at the moment. Even crappy jobs getting tonnes of applications, mass redundancies even in sectors like tech, hiring bans in healthcare which is wild when we are so short staffed. It's a balance between putting yourself first and keeping a job to pay the bills- life shouldn't be like this but it is.