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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we say we want both parents to make changes to work patterns after baby but in reality workplaces don't want dad's to actually

248 replies

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:03

It’s 2025 and I would like to think that we expect dad's to be fully hands on, especially on those early years and so if we do see a dad needing flexibility to do drop off etc it would be supported. When I returned from mat leave, I went part-time through a flexible working request so I thought it's only fair my partner is uses flexi-time to do nursery drop-offs and hybrid working to help with the one day when I'm at work and we don't have a nursery space for that day but it’s been met with frosty reactions.

Today, while WFH and juggling care after family support fell through, our 16-month-old briefly appeared on camera. Even after giving a heads-up and apologising, he felt judged.

Funny how women doing the same get asked, “Isn’t your husband around?” as if to say can't they help out? Yet, here my husband is doing just that but he's telling me he's getting strong hints it's frowned upon.
For context he is working in the charity sector / public sector and I thought they were all, 'were fully supportive of flexible work patterns / blah blah ...not quite huh.

Btw He’s doing a great job at work, with glowing feedback so it's not a case that any of this is actually impacting his work.

OP posts:
FancyNewt · 02/05/2025 06:06

Was he working and looking after the baby? How does that work?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/05/2025 06:06

I think the problem here may be that he is looking after a child while WFH. That's not ok.

CheshireDing · 02/05/2025 06:07

He can't work and look after his DC. No
wind it was frowned upon

LandSharksAnonymous · 02/05/2025 06:08

If he’s looking after a child - let alone a baby - whilst he’s meant to be working, that’s pretty poor. He’s not going to be focussed on his work, is he?

He should have taken the day off and explained why - instead he just looks sly.

Its things like this that give WFH a bad name

PartyGoose · 02/05/2025 06:12

Looking after a toddler whilst you're meant to be working from home is a) not the same thing at all as "making changes to work patterns" and b) the sort of thing that's leading to employers ordering everyone back to the office.

BottleBlondeMachiavelli · 02/05/2025 06:12

I honestly don’t think that’s to do with sex. That’s all to do with working while in charge of a child, which is bound to be frowned on.

How on earth is he managing to work at all? 16 months is peak handful. Why are you both working in a day when you have no childcare?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 02/05/2025 06:12

‘Flexible working’ doesn’t include looking after a baby whilst being at work, sorry. I am supportive of flexibility but I would frown upon that.

Does his employer operate ‘core hours’ or not? If not and you want him to do drop offs/pick ups he would need to ask to flex his hours, YANBU just to assume his employer is fine with this.

changedForThis99 · 02/05/2025 06:13

He hasn't put in a flexible request though? He's just trying to wfh and look after a baby. I wfh and now my kids are older I can pick up from school and let them entertain themselves (youngest age 10) but I absolutely could not have done this while they were babies!

Original poster
LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

OP posts:
UpTheAnte · 02/05/2025 06:16

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

Womens are NOT expected to do it. Neither are men. You cannot work and offer childcare at the same time whoever you are.
Your friend is deluded, and will be out of a job when her employer finds out.

BottleBlondeMachiavelli · 02/05/2025 06:18

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

They’re not. Nobody should be doing that. You have some really strange people giving you advice.

You need to either get an extra of nursery (not patches together family and friends favours) immediately, or one of you needs to drop that day at work. No reason it shouldn’t be him. In fact, after the zoom incident, maybe it’s better if it is him, so at least he’s seen to be addressing the issue.

BunsenBurnerBaby · 02/05/2025 06:19

As a manager I am v clear that if someone needs to care for a child they need to not be working. I support WFH and flexi working but expect people (men and women) to actually work when being paid to do so. I have 3 DC and have WFH since they were born and have worked flexibly but until the kids were mid-teens I did not work whilst looking after the kids. We had one day neither of us could do school pick up or afternoon and evening care, and I arranged external childcare for that time.

Notsuchacleverclogs · 02/05/2025 06:19

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

Your friend needs to check her company policy. We have a specific policy that says childcare must be arranged if you are wfh, unless in emergency situations (such as a child being sent home from nursery / school unwell). If not, it is considered under the disciplinary policy.

Avacadoandtoast · 02/05/2025 06:21

This has to be a wind up. Through COVID it was the only option to keep things going and children (and parents) suffered because of it, that is not the case now. People cannot, and should not, be mixing childcare whilst working a full time job. Unless, in my opinion, because child is off sick , even then I would expect to try to clear diary and take a day off to care for my child properly.

Wolfpa · 02/05/2025 06:22

There is a difference between feeling judged and being judged.

has your husband put in an official flexi working request or is it all being done under the radar?

oakl79 · 02/05/2025 06:23

That's my flexi working! You CAN NOT work from home whilst caring for your child at the same time. That would be frowned upon in any organisation.

Perfect28 · 02/05/2025 06:23

Nobody should be working at the same time as looking after a baby. It's nothing to do with being a man or a woman, it's inappropriate and unsafe.

Pikablue · 02/05/2025 06:25

Anyone would be judged for being in sole care of a small child whilst working- that is not flexible working, it's negligent to the child and to the job. Sure some people are forced to wing it in certain situations, but i guarantee they won't be showing the child on screen during a meeting as if it's not a big deal. Men are afforded the same chances to apply for flexibility, far less apply for it.

BottleBlondeMachiavelli · 02/05/2025 06:26

What are you going to do OP? You’re getting a consensus.

ChidisGardener · 02/05/2025 06:26

How on earth do you think that any job enables you to do childcare at the same time as working?

Literally how would you do it? You have to stop the work you are doing to do it. And no employer would pay you for that you aren't meeting your contract.

People say WFH helps with childcare because it means you have no commute to get to school pick up etc. which you would do outside your clocked on hours.

I have known people do both work/ childcare for emergencies but yes still frowned upon. I'd expect my team to take day off.

reesespieces123 · 02/05/2025 06:27

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

WFH helps with childcare as no commute so easier to drop and pick up from nursery @LostShepherdsPie

It doesn't mean work and do childcare at the same time.

Kinneddar · 02/05/2025 06:28

This is exactly why the company my friend works for have increased the number of days people have to come into the office. Too many people taking the piss and clearly having toddlers at home all day

Agix · 02/05/2025 06:29

LostShepherdsPie · 02/05/2025 06:13

Why are so many women expected to do it then? Countless times people have told me I should just get a WFH job so I can look after my kids at the same time - granted v few of those have actually ever WFH.

A friend of mine is adamant on not sending her ds to nursery and also wants to continue full time so she has one day of the week when she has him at home - she says she manages.

No one is expecting women to do it. No one SHOULD be doing it. And if you're managing to actually take care of kids whilst you're working from home, you're not actually fully working. It would be impossible and it's taking the piss.

SaraSosej · 02/05/2025 06:30

No women aren’t expected to WFH and look after kids. Why would you think that? That’s not WFH is about? You are actually supposed to be working, that’s what you are paid for.

ButWhere · 02/05/2025 06:30

Your partner has the same right as a woman to put in a flexible working request and change or reduce his hours so he can do more childcare.

Nobody can work effectively whilst in charge of a child, otherwise we'd all do it.