To think we say we want both parents to make changes to work patterns after baby but in reality workplaces don't want dad's to actually

[LostShepherdsPie]

It’s 2025 and I would like to think that we expect dad's to be fully hands on, especially on those early years and so if we do see a dad needing flexibility to do drop off etc it would be supported. When I returned from mat leave, I went part-time through a flexible working request so I thought it's only fair my partner is uses flexi-time to do nursery drop-offs and hybrid working to help with the one day when I'm at work and we don't have a nursery space for that day but it’s been met with frosty reactions.

Today, while WFH and juggling care after family support fell through, our 16-month-old briefly appeared on camera. Even after giving a heads-up and apologising, he felt judged.

Funny how women doing the same get asked, “Isn’t your husband around?” as if to say can't they help out? Yet, here my husband is doing just that but he's telling me he's getting strong hints it's frowned upon.
For context he is working in the charity sector / public sector and I thought they were all, 'were fully supportive of flexible work patterns / blah blah ...not quite huh.

Btw He’s doing a great job at work, with glowing feedback so it's not a case that any of this is actually impacting his work.

Yeah I agree with majority on this. WFH is work. I also don’t think that women are expected / okay to do this also. There is dependent leave for an emergency or annual leave for pre-planned childcare arrangement.

What I will say though is that during Covid when people had to WFH and look after kids at the same time I found quite the opposite. Men got the ‘awww aren’t you a great dad looking after your child’ whereas women were seen more as ‘okay, it is what it is’. There was defo a double standard.

working from home and looking after a child isn’t possible

i work from home three days a week and my child is in nursery those days

in my friend groups and professional this certainly isn’t the norm. If you wfh you still need childcare…

Yes, this sort of one off emergency thing is fine at my work too. It wouldn’t be ok if she was caring regularly for her grandchild one day a week while working. But occasional support and flexibility around people’s lives - absolutely.

To answer your question OP I think most men want to but need others to take the lead and show that they can. Most are not even aware that they can.

As to workplaces I'm sure some are terrified, others aren't and are changing.

My DHs are supportive of him taking 2 years off (mostly unpaid but legally they have to keep his role open where we live) even knowing he may not come back and have offered part-WFH and Flexi to accommodate him if he does. His own line manager is doing something similar with his third child, whereas he only took the minimum with the first two.

As for your own DC appearing on your DHs zoom while WFH. He shouldn't have hide and then shown embarrassment, both are admissions of wrong doing. He should have explained the situation to his line manager and asked if hed prefer he take a personal day or carry on and make up any lost time or present productivity later.

Same at my work. But I’m not sure that “Men are absolutely allowed to ask for these accommodations and it will be granted as often as it is for women. It's just that less ask.” is true in all companies. Fully agree they are allowed to ask and legally it should be the same, but I think there are still many workplaces with sexist attitudes and assumptions and it is likely to still be harder for men to get agreement for this. Probably harder for women too at these places as workplace will assume they’ll be default child carers and treat them as such.

WFH means work from home not juggling childcare and working. It’s people who do this who give wfh a bad name.
Either you work or you do cold care. You cannot do both whether you are male or female.

These are some of the reasons employers want people back in the office.

They are absolutely not expected to do it, and it would definitely not be tolerated by my employer. When you are WFH you are expected to be fully present for work, not doing childcare, popping in a laundry, chucking a stew in the slow cooker, running the vacuum round, nipping to a yoga class, walking the dog, or any of the 101 other things that some people seem to think they can do from home while they’re supposed to be working.

Unless you have a ‘work when you want where you want’ policy, you’re expected to do hours that meet the needs of the business, not hours that meet the needs of you going to pick up little Jonny from infant school.

Yep. DD has occasionally made appearances on calls I can't reschedule when she's been unwell. But I've been clear with everyone from the beginning of the day that I can reschedule or I can still talk about what they need but DD will be there because we had no other options.

My company is very family friendly so this is ok at the odd time she's unwell and we genuinely can't sort anything else. They appreciate me trying to keep things moving best I can and I appreciate that there's no expectations that I find care for my sick child (because in all honesty, who else is there but a parent when they're sick?) to work instead. But it doesn't matter how family friendly they are, if I was caring for her every time I was WFH, I'm not actually working.

Those companies are a problem in their own right.

Companies would prefer their employees to be at their beck and call constantly whether they be male or female. It's just they have become accustomed to women working part time / flexibly, but they would rather we didn't.

yes i agree with the men should be as entitled to flexible working as woman (My husband starts at 8 so he can leave at 4.30 twice a week to do nursery pick up!

And we both work a 4 day week

so only need 3 days of nursery

you absolutely cant work with a baby around at home its impossible

we've done it when a kid is off sick - but we give work a heads up that we have kid at home and we both tag team working and looking after child - you cant both work at same time

Because the people telling you to get a WFH jobs aren't the ones judging on the zoom calls. They aren't senior mgmt, they are friends and acquaintances.

I know it’s really hard to juggle every thing when both parents work but WFH whilst looking after children is a big no no! Your employer is accountable for your safety whilst WFH (if it is a formal arrangement) therefore this may also apply to the child too if the employer knows you are looking after the child during work time and the child is seriously hurt whilst you’re working (and even if they aren’t there may be a health and safety investigation anyway). It’s also not fair on your colleagues, both those without children and those who are paying for childcare.

Depends on the company - DH's and DH's colleagues kids are always saying hello to each other on Teams. DH on calls every morning in the kitchen and our 3 kids obviously around as it's breakfast time and they sit next to him. I don't know why he doesn't go down to the office (end of the garden) but no one at work cares, that's for sure. He deals with half the breakfast requests at least so that's good for me.
He's always free to pop out to do a school run, no one cares or knows that he spends calls doing chores (why would they care?? He's contributing if not leading). He blocked out some time to go to DS's assembly yesterday afternoon. So what. No big deal in his company.

I realise that's not the case for everyone - not the same for my job, hence DH doing school runs and going to assemblies. But IMO DH's company has got flexible working sorted, it can be done for many roles (friends' roles are similarly flexible)

We've had this too. In fact, one of the very Senior Managers was doing a presentation to the company and their child was sick, so sat in the pram next to Dad, while he gave his presentation to about a thousand or more staff. That was about 20 years ago. We've often had kids in the office, but they are one-off incidents. I watched a colleagues twins while she had a meeting with the CEO as her nanny was sick that day, it happens.

So as an employer I have clear guidance. WFH is fine, flexible working is fine, but you cannot WFH and look after a child. The child needs to be appropriately cared for either with someone else at home or in nursery/with a child minder. You absolutely should not be trying to care for a child and working at the same time. I have dealt with this and been clear- childcare is required.

They go to nursery. Parents who WFH still have to use childcare during working hours.

One of the mums on the school run works for a corporation that allows bringing kids in sometimes, and even hosts ‘family days’ where parents come with their kids and they have entertainment set up, snack stations, balloon artists coming in (like a mini fair) for them and parents work around them. I believe it’s an insurer so not a family oriented industry. Why can’t more places do that!

A) I only wfh with a child if they’re sick and therefore I’m covering childcare unexpectedly.

B) A child briefly appearing on screen is a non issue. I attend high level board meetings online which start at 8.30. I say at the start ‘I’ll be muted for 10/15 mins as there is school-run noise whilst DH gets the kids out’ and no one cares. Littlest sometimes comes for a cuddle and all anyone says (if anything ) is ‘he’s so sweet!’

I suppose it must depend on the job and child but I could absolutely not work effectively with a 16month old. Youngest DS was 2 when Covid started and for the first two months before childcare was open DH and I alternated working morning and afternoons. I nearly had a breakdown trying to do both concurrently.

Those people are idiots. By definition you can’t work at the same time as doing childcare.

read OP (childcare fell through)

Post like this are really irritating. For context I full time WFH. I have two small children (in nursery and school). Working from home due to no commute allows me to do pickups and be there at a good time. I wouldn’t be able to do this if I worked in an office and would have to go part time (which we can’t really afford and it would impact my career options).

Because people are taking the piss, fully remote roles are now fewer and difficult to get. Employers are rightfully calling staff back into the office.

You cannot care for a toddler and do a job. For one, you can’t possibly be fully focused. For two, the child is not be properly supervised and it’s a safeguarding issue.

We have a kids day at the office every year. We still all have childcare for our regular days!!

Agree with the consensus here.

He CAN ask to work flexibly but he CAN’T regularly WFH while in charge of a toddler. That’s not the same thing at all.

I am also clear with my team (the same as a PP) I am more than happy to accommodate them WFH when kids are ill, no problem with that at all, but they cannot be regular childcare while WFH.

Yes exactly! They need to go to nursery. But the OP was suggesting working from home with the toddler also at home I think?