To think we say we want both parents to make changes to work patterns after baby but in reality workplaces don't want dad's to actually

[LostShepherdsPie]

It’s 2025 and I would like to think that we expect dad's to be fully hands on, especially on those early years and so if we do see a dad needing flexibility to do drop off etc it would be supported. When I returned from mat leave, I went part-time through a flexible working request so I thought it's only fair my partner is uses flexi-time to do nursery drop-offs and hybrid working to help with the one day when I'm at work and we don't have a nursery space for that day but it’s been met with frosty reactions.

Today, while WFH and juggling care after family support fell through, our 16-month-old briefly appeared on camera. Even after giving a heads-up and apologising, he felt judged.

Funny how women doing the same get asked, “Isn’t your husband around?” as if to say can't they help out? Yet, here my husband is doing just that but he's telling me he's getting strong hints it's frowned upon.
For context he is working in the charity sector / public sector and I thought they were all, 'were fully supportive of flexible work patterns / blah blah ...not quite huh.

Btw He’s doing a great job at work, with glowing feedback so it's not a case that any of this is actually impacting his work.

We aren't expected to do that?

I can on occasion have DD with me while I work, if she's unwell. They will accept that I will be more unavailable because they're accommodating and flexible for parents in unavoidable circumstances and because it means I'm still available for referrals and queries, which they appreciate.

But if I had her with me whenever I worked from home, that wouldn't be accepted. And nor should it, I'm neither focused on my work or my child properly if I'm trying to do both.

DH has flexibility to do pick ups from nursery or start later if I can't make the drop off (sometimes I have to go to our London office and that's a mega early start). He is allowed to take days of she's unwell without any judgement or impact to his career, same as me. He does not have flexibility to work from home AND care for DD. Neither do I.

Flexibility is very different to juggling both. Get childcare sorted. It's better for everyone.

Workplaces tend to be desogned to make profits for shareholders in a capitalist economy at great cost to life, whether that be family life, the rest of nature, the climate, human life...so of course it is not going to make it easy to have children, except by long-fought-for rules that force some allowances.

If the job is in the charity or other areas, however, there's a lot of scope for flexibility, co-operatoves and job shares, so they could do better.

You can't watch s 16month while wfh. As childcare fallen through dh should have taken a flexi day to cover. I would def ask a women where the dh/gran/childcare was if a toddler appeared on camera. It gives the impression child always there rather than childcare fallen through.

It’s the same as the Govt wanting workplaces to employ disabled people. They don’t really want to make any changes, they just want the World to continue as it always has - a Patriarchy for able bodied Caucasians.

You shouldn’t be wfh and caring for a child under 8 or so. That’s the issue. I know emergencies happen so he needs to take a days leave to care for your child not work whilst caring for them.

this is one of the main reasons why so many employers want staff back in the office, it’s not practical, safe or productive

WFH and taking care a baby who is sleeping most of the time is more or less OK. WFH and doing the same with a 1 to 4 years old is unfair in the kid, in the career and in the work itself. I did it during covid for a long time, I did not have a choice. It nearly destroy me mentally thinking that my little was behind me in a playpen most of the day with just briefs interactions. In my opinion that is not doable in the long term. WFH a couple of hours with a kid of 5 to 7 years is more or less OK. I have to do it now and she does the homework meanwhile I end the day of work.
You can't be doing two things at the same time with focus for a long time. Is that simple and will always depends on the kid. I'm pretty sure some are more demanding than others and will make the full day a stressful nightmare.

People who don’t understand WFH may tell you to get a WFH job so you can look after baby. But make no mistake colleagues will never look on you favourably for using it as on opportunity to care for your children-whether you are male or female.

Regardless of whether you are a man or woman, WFH is not there to be able to allow you to look after children. The clue is in the name - WORKING from home

I wfh for a charity as do all my colleagues and unless an emergency it would not be appropriate for any of us to work while looking after a young dc. That is not what flexible working is. It is totally unprofessional to do so.

It's not employers telling you this though is it. Trying to WFH with a 16mo would be impossible, they are so full on at that age. God knows I find it hard enough on the days I WFH when my teens are around (not going to the office saves me the commuting time and work-life balance, it's not for childcare/running them around).

I really value being able to wfh and have flexi hours and that is why I work 100% conscientiously. I can’t believe these people - male or female - are getting away with working whilst looking after children. The odd day when a child is sick, fair enough, but every day is taking the piss and potentially ruining it for all of us.

Nobody expects anyone, regardless of sex, to work from home while looking after a small child, that’s ridiculous. In the same way as you went part-time maybe he could go part time if you don’t have access to other childcare.

When we had our baby we both asked to change hours to accommodate pick-up and drop off. His HR declined and refused to discuss it. There should be a law that allows dad's to change working hours (within reason).

I went through that in the 90s and 00s when mine were little.
You are right, it's 2025. Amongst people in my team there are just as many men with flexible working for childcare. And an equal split for men and women who might need to take a break to do school pick up, or need leave because of a poorly child.
But I have created that carefully. Be the boss you wish you had is my mantra. Once one man sees it is allowed and it won't negatively impact their career, more do it.

No one should be WFH and looking after a young child.

DH and I have the same flexi working pattern - 9 day fortnight - try to work it out so we WFH on different days for drop off pick up and share the earlies and lates when we are both in the office.

It takes organisation and willingness but it’s quite simple to keep it fair.

That’s not the same. Workplaces should make adjustments for people with disabilities. They shouldn’t for parents who want to wfh with a toddler running around.

My dd is 14 now and I went pt after mat leave. I wanted to though and as I worked for public sector it was easier. Nobody in my dh’s work worked part time hours. As dc got older though and I changed job requiring travel dh did speak to his manager to adjust hours slightly for drop offs and pick ups and it was allowed. I think some men just don’t ask/ request it.

When I had an 18 month old (or that kind of age) if childcare fell through or they were ill I either took the day off or agreed with my manager that I would work while they napped and make up the rest of the time in the evening/the next day.

Even putting aside the employers considerations, it's simply not fair on the young child to try and work like that

DH condenses 5 days into 4 the same as me, so there are 2 days a week one of us is around for both school runs, my boss has a flex pattern where he doesn't work Thursday afternoons to facilitate his daughter's regular medical appointments. I agree a lot of men don't ask, or don't want to flex so say their employer wouldn't be keen
ETA neither of us work while in sole charge of DC

Oh and timed have changed a lot.DH now wfh two days a week and occasionally goes in early/leaves early to accomodate picking up our DC. He's also v senior but finishes on the dot every tuesday to take our eldest to his hobby, and we split covering things like taking DC to medical appointments or music exams equally

Flexible working examples

1. starting work a bit later to allow for school/nursery drop off and then working later in the evening to make up for it
2. Reducing hours (and salary) to 80pc of full time to facilitate working shorter days to make pick up and drop off.
3. ad.hoc flexibility to example Dave is going to finish at 4pm today in order to go to parents evening but is trusted to make up the missing hour/work at some point.
4. Ben is working from home because without the one hour commute, he can work until 5pm and then collect baby from nursery at 5.15.

In my workplace, we are largely trusted to make arrangements ourselves and not monitored hugely about it. But your small children need to be in childcare if you are working from home.

I work in the same sector as your DH. It’s completely usual for both men and women to have children around for internal meetings. Everyone wants to see them. Not as much as we want to see colleagues dogs obviously.

Meetings with external clients I would be very surprised to see a child unless by accident. Animals still welcome though.

I think either your DH is overthinking this, or his employer is unusually strict for our sector.

They aren’t, and workplaces are mad to allow / tolerate it. We make it very clear that if you’re working, you’re working. How can you do your job and care for a child. It’s a safegaurding issue in my opinion, as young children need constant monitoring, which you cannot do if working (actually working, not jiggling a mouse every so often). Your DH’s boss needs to have words, and you need to get childcare. This is why employers are calling staff back to the office.

You want your husband to use his hybrid working day to look after your child? Do you understand that he's being paid to work from home on that day? That is completely incompatible with looking after a nursery aged child. It's people like you who put the whole concept of working from home at risk.

Exactly this. No one - men or women - should be working from home while caring for young children as a matter of course. WFH helps because of shorter commute etc.

But we do have leeway and some flexibility for everyone - men and women, and yes it is both in reality - trying to wfh if their child is ill and can’t go to childcare, or even occasionally if there’s some other sort of childcare emergency. It’s ok to take time to go to a doc appt etc. We would expect the person to tell their boss the situation and we’d support them, and would only be a problem if it looked like it was becoming habitual. If they knew they needed to take a chunk of time off for childcare (eg chickenpox) they’d take annual leave or parental leave.