Should I be happy?

[Cnf1]

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

When you go back to work you need to outsource as much of the chores as possible. No one wants to come home from work, fed the kids and then clean. It shouldn’t all fall to you but the reality is it will. Get as much help as you can, otherwise you’ll be stuck in the worst of both worlds and resentment will grow.

PS definitely don’t think it isn’t worth going back. Money and pension aside, work offers social interaction, the opportunity for friendships, keeping the mind sharp and your DD will see her Mum working and contributing to the household. There’s loads of non-monetary benefits to working.

Why would your salary put you in a deficit?

We bought it as much help as we could to make life easier and maximise the time available to spend with DT’s. The cleaner became a housekeeper who as well as the usual cleaning, changed the beds, put away the online shopping orders, did batch cooking, sorted out the gardener, window cleaning, household repairs etc.

The big question is what is your long term goals? Does he intend to run the business for 40 or 50 years or 5 and sell (having saved considerable money)?
Does he intend to retire really early and enjoy a stress free life, perhaps having a mundane 9-5 job or part time just to keep active?
If you are earning £500k a year does it really matter if your income isn't covering child care...after all kids socialising outside of the family is a positive developmental tool?

To add, he's abroad nearly every week and dd (18mnths) sleeps for only 10hrs every 24 and is incredibly needy. She also bfs throughout the night. She has been determined not to take a bottle since day 1 despite all my efforts.

Going back to the original question, should you be happy pairing his socks etc? Well you don’t sound happy so head back into the world of work. You are lucky enough to have choices.

I think in your position you should definitely go back to work - maybe wait until she's a bit older though? Only bc it goes so fast and you'll probably look back and be glad you stayed home for the first few years. When she's 2 and a half she'll be old enough to go to a playgroup and give you a few hours on your own. On £500k pa your family can easily afford childcare and a cleaner and send out your ironing etc.

It sounds like you would be much happier working and that's ok.

OP! Get a housekeeper ffs.

My DH earns similar to yours and I work full time and have a pathetic salary compared to his but I will never give up work.

We have a nanny-housekeeper to make our lives easier.

Happiness is relative.

We'd be at a deficit because I'd want her to have a childminder in the home. She's an anxious character and I want her to feel very secure in her first 3 years to avoid stressing her. If money can give me anything, it's the reassurance that my baby is happy and content in her formative years. By the time my income is taxed and then goes on to paying for her childcare, there's basically no difference. My husband is very supportive of me staying home for another year. But another year of house duties makes me want to cry!
Having said that, I recognise that chores need to be done and it feels seriously unfair to expect him to do them after a day of work, playing with dd and then back to work until 1 in the morning. He's doing his best but I hate this life.

If he makes that much, why don't you get a nanny and a cleaner and go back to work?

Like I just said, get a nanny and a cleaner. You can afford it.

I'm surprised you're still doing chores when he is on this kind of money now anyway.

I suppose because a nanny and cleaner would cost far more so I'd feel like I was actively paying money to not raise my dd.

And I do understand that the cost of the paid childcare and household help would probably be more than what you earn therefore the entire household income would be worse off...but in terms of your happiness and fulfillment, surely it would be worth it?

You would not be in deficit
he would be using his money to buy things he should be doing

And to be honest, even if you're a sahm, with that sort of income you can afford some domestic help...ie cleaner, laundry service...

What about part time childcare and doing some volunteering to keep yourself occupied and fulfilled outside of the home?

I don't get you OP. Sounds like a cry for attention.

By the time school fees are paid and our housekeeper is paid (on a monthly basis), that's already over my monthly salary.

Work because you want to but sounds like you're making excuses.

My heart bleeds OP

🎻

Does he make you feel guilty for spending money? Is that the problem?

Bc I seriously don't get why you wouldn't have a cleaner even as a sahm on that salary.

My Dh is very supportive and recognises that going back to work would be good for me. He's also always talking about getting more help into the home.
Having said that, his duties abroad were never on this level before she was born so part of me is afraid to go back to work (as a primary school teacher which comes with so many stresses) because I can't see how I'll cope with all of it on my shoulders.

Do you suffer from anxiety OP?

So he makes about £10K per week? A cleaner costs what? £80 per week?

Your DH earns half a million - why on earth are you cleaning? Do you still live in a 2 bed house?

Why haven’t you already hired a cleaner?! Even not at work, having a cleaner come in twice a week would significantly ease your burden

Many teachers are also single parents - without Nanny and cleaners and gardeners

pull your socks up and crack on

Its hard for people to sympathise but it is actually tough when this happens. My DH is the same, recently successful, always away - we are employing a housekeeper even though I work PT - the way I think of it is that it is HIM that needs a housekeeper not me!! I am doing my share. So I don’t offset it against my salary. The other thing that has helped me is allowing myself to pursue my own goals the same as he does his. For me that’s included the goal of spending time with DS before he starts school. If you’re a teacher you don’t need to rush in this situation. Spend some time really thinking what will make you happy and how you can do it. Childcare, domestic help is all a lot cheaper and nicer than a divorce - especially for him when he’s on that kind of £!

I think you are allowed to feel however you feel about it and shouldn’t have to justify it. If you go back to work it will probably do you the world of good, but I don’t think you should responsible for paying the childcare out of your wages - if he is earning that much he should be paying it, otherwise it should be split between you, proportionate to your (and his) income and therefore you wouldn’t be thinking of it as you being in a deficit and working essentially for nothing.