Should I be happy?

[Cnf1]

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

Get a really good cleaner and keep chatting to your man about his work life balance. No money in the world can buy these years back and you may end up resenting him forever and him not really showing up for your kid. Good luck. Definitely go back to work!

Why? I'd love to hear an explanation that isn't "You have more money than me therefore you're not allowed to be unhappy or want more out of life".

In your position I think I would wait the 9 months until you move house before you think about going back to work. Teaching full time will mean you are away from your baby a lot of the time and she's still very young, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who doesn't absolutely have to. Even after the 9 months I would do part time until she goes to school

That’s rather bold of you. I’m not sure how you know she has more money than me.

People with money are able to think other people with money are being unreasonable.

I don't and I could be wrong (am I?), but given your response - replete with cute violin emoji - it's a pretty safe assumption on MN.

If I am wrong then I apologize - But I'd still be interested in the reason for your 'My heart bleeds' response...even moreso if it's not a financial jealousy issue.

Again, these things are about basic disrespect for you. He thinks he is too good to clean his shit off the toilet but you are not. He is literally telling you he is better/more important than you because he earns big money. If he didn’t do these things before the big income, then it is him thinking he is the more powerful member of the family now. It would take him less than a minute to clean it. You need to give him a firm talking to about this. Explain it’s not just about the physical act of cleaning but the messaging behind it (but also, no one wants to look at or deal with another persons shit, that’s plain gross).

for the record again, I have a high earning DH. He cleans his own skid marks off the toilet, and would be mortified if I had to ask him to do this. We both come down very hard on the DC if they leave the toilet a mess.

This is not an issue that a housekeeper or you going back to work full time will fix. He should not leave that for a housekeeper to clean and he should not leave that for the love of his life to clean. This is a power dynamic issue where he sees himself as better than/more important than you. Sort it out now or there will be no coming back from it.

I think it's the power dynamic that's unsettling you. And I don't envy you, but as per my previous post that's probably projecting my own past situation,

One thing you can be extremely grateful for is that if/when the marriage breaks down, you will be set up for life.

You will never have to be trapped in an unhappy marriage due to finances or lack of housing options.

That is extremely, extremely fortunate.

e her when I actually have the choice. The studies show that a child who has one consistent caregiver in their first 3 years is more likely to be emotionally stable. I don't want to deny her that. It's a privileged con

I think this is not true or not always true -the children coming to school unable to hold a pencil have not been at a nursery - the e been home with a parent.

Also being at home with a depressed ,bored mother is not in the best place.

If DH is leaving bathroom dirty - claim another one for your use. Don’t go in it.

OP...do you see other people, friends? You've not mentioned any sort of social life, either with or without your DH
Has your DD spent any time without you? Time with grandparents, play dates?
You've posted a fair few responses, but none of them mention family or friends. It all sounds very insular

If she's anxious and insecure then I'd do everything possible to make her more secure. I wouldn't go back to work yet but would definitely do that longer term. In the meantime I'd buy in some help. Is your husband on top of his finances? You seem to be living quite frugally.

I mean in terms of investments.

I've just read to this post and this is your problem! He is, and his blatant disrespect for you as a human being, I had the same issue with my exh and now my DH because I let it happen, I ran after their arse! The same as their Mums did. You're not there to clean up his shit, literally, no one is. No amount of paid help will solve this. It doesn't matter how much he earns @Cnf1 he needs to wake up and realise that despite how much money he provides, you will get to a point it's all too much and leave. Other posters aren't getting the point, all they see is the money and how you should be grateful. If you came on and said my husband earns minimum wage and I constantly clean up after him and clean his skid marks and lift his dishes etc they'd be baying for you the LTB!
My advice, as someone who had a fab career and run myself into the ground with a spoilt exh, deal with it now. I did the same with my now DH and he was mortified when I said I'm not your cleaner, Mum or skivvy.
Good luck, going back to work as a teacher sounds not the way to go tbh. Teaching is changing so much, could you choose another career path and start to PT study?
Don't feel guilty asking him to clear his plate from the table and do the dishes with you. He should be taking time out from work in the evening, 2 hours to enjoy a meal, do a chore with you together as a partnership and settle the wee one with you. Then he can go and work. The business won't fold due to a 2 hour family time window from 6pm to 8pm
Good luck xx

Ps, get yourself out and about, I hope you're doing that with friends and family too. Is your little one in groups?

Yeah, we go to a class every morning and the park in the afternoon. I've also started going for early morning walks with a friend to make sure I get the adult chats in. My sister doesn't work on Fridays so I'm off to meet her now for a trip to the park and a coffee. My parents are calling in later too to come and see the new house. I'm really lucky to have lots of people in my life.
You're completely right about laying down the law with him about cleaning up after himself. It will be the breaking of us eventually if he doesn't pull up.

I think you might enjoy refurbishing the house by way of research into builders and all the other tradesmen.

When you redesign it think carefully about cleaning and tidying related to a utility room, a boot room and remembering that, for example, Matt surfaces look cleaner than glossy surfaces. Some houses "work" better than others.

Good idea. If you research values in your area according to what houses are like, you could use your time at home with your baby for the Job of making your house increase in value dramatically.

You seem difficult to please OP. It’s an either way you are screwed attitude and you keep going round and round with no solutions despite many many responses here. You may consider that your issues are not quite what you say they are and dig a little deeper.

The breaking up of your marriage because a man is working all hours to bring home 500k, is seeing to your DD in the morning so you can lie in and gets home to put her to sleep all because he doesn’t put his dishes away….

Gosh.

Get a nanny and a maid. You have the funds. Then a part time job.

And? You're loaded. What else are you going to spend half a million a year on?
Get a nanny and/ or housekeeper and still stay at home if you want. Do all the nice bits and outsource the shite.

Think big picture

Employ staff to do the jobs. Cleaning, ironing etc. That will bed you in for when you return to the workplace. And I agree your FH shouldn’t have to do housework with the hours he works when as a household you can afford to employ others to do it. I’d be employing a PA as well on that salary to manage the family appointments, plan holidays, life admin….bliss.

Thank you everyone for giving me a bit of perspective. I'm very aware how privileged I am. This is going to sound strange but I always thought if I was going to be wealthy, it would be as a result of my own achievements. I was a very successful student all through schooling and probably put too much stock in my own intellectual ability. Seeing my husband hit the heights has made me equal parts happy and sad. I want the absolute best for our daughter and I know that I'm the one of us who is in the best position to make that happen but I can't help but resent that I have had to become the primary caregiver.
There was a time that papers I wrote became exemplars for future students and lecturers asked me to advise. I suppose I miss being important in another world.

It's pure vanity perhaps, but researching, studying and coming up with new perspectives has always satisfied me far more than playing dolls with my Dd. Having said that, I spend minimum 5 hrs daily doing sand play, water play, puzzles, building blocks, reading books etc. with her. And I get a kick out of it to some degree in that I wholeheartedly laugh when she does, because her laughing brings me joy in the moment.
I recognise I just need to get back to work but need to find the right person to look after dd in my absence.

Be careful what you wish for. Choice can make life very tricky.