Should I be happy?

[Cnf1]

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

By the time my income is taxed and then goes on to paying for her childcare, there's basically no difference

Your take home teacher salary is the same as you'd pay a childminder? What are the childminder rates??

It feels like that when he walks away from the dinner table expecting the plate to get cleared and washed.

This makes it clear you don’t understand and have never been in this position. There’s something about the power balance in the relationship which is making the OP feel uncomfortable. She’s living in a gilded cage, admittedly somewhat of her own making, but she’s so stuck she can’t see that. Oh and centuries of patriarchy making her position seem like she “should be happy” with it.

€20/ hr

In the nicest possible way: this is a you problem in my view.
Your DH earns enough that you can have a cleaner, he's not trying to stop you. Your own insecurities are
Your DH earns enough so that you can go back to work and pay for a nanny. Your insecurities are stopping you.
Your DH earns enough so that you can be a SAHM if you so wish. Your insecurities are stopping you from doing so happily.

Why don't you look at going back to work 2 or 3 days a week, getting a nanny and a cleaner, and trying to enjoy a bit of your time? It comes around very quickly for the little one tomstsrt school, and you don't want to look back and beat yourself up about wasting these years.

There might not be any financial incentive to you going back to work but it sounds as there though there will be a massive benefit to your own wellbeing, self esteem and sense of achievement? So he earns £500k you can easily afford to work a couple of days a week and outsource the housework and cleaning.

OP, what is the point of seething at him while refusing to use the help that would replace a bunch of the help you think he should provide? Get a cleaner! Get some childcare help. It's completely ridiculous for you to moan about a problem that he has literally offered to pay to solve.

I have to confess that I haven't read all PPs - am sure I will be criticised for this, but too busy ATM as have 4 lively GCs here with DH who is doing a BBQ & just popped onto MN while I'm making salads.

My thoughts are that you are lucky that DH is earning so much & such a good man that he regards the income that he earns as joint income.

However, as PPs have said, working isn't just about the money. When you're at work you're not someone's wife, mum etc, you are just you. I also can't imagine not having my own money. How can you buy your DH a present when it's from his money - not really a present if he paid for it is it? You also need your own pension as, regretfully, 50% of marriages end in divorce. You can afford to pay for cleaners, childcare etc to take up the slack while you're working. .

My DH ran a very successful catering chain of 5 'shops' earning probably close to what your DH earns, given that he became ill & had to retire in 2000. I worked in the Public Sector all the while, helping out in his 'shops' evenings & weekends. I am so glad that I did. I've always had my own money & now have a good pension of my own to rely on when I finally retire in 6 years. We're lucky that we have a good lifestyle & have several good holidays abroad every year.

Yep!!!

If he tries that, call him back. I wouldn’t let anyone get away with that. What example is he setting your DD. Good manners cost nothing

You’re overthinking this- he’s onboard with getting you help. Get a cleaner and a nanny now while you’re still at home so your daughter can get used to the nanny( also sometimes takes a few to get the right one) and you and the cleaner can get used to any kinks/ how you want the house done. You’ll also get some time to yourself. He’s not able to pull his weight in the house - so he’s happy to outsource.

€20/ hr

Is that Euros-presume you're not in England? That's a lot more than childminders cost round here. What do teachers earn where you live?

I know loads of single 'meagrely-earning' teachers who use childminders who are no way in deficit which is why I was so surprised,

The money is one thing , the lifestyle with him being away, uninvolved and not even clearing the table behind him is another. I wouldn't support my husband with this kind of working life and if he did it anyway that would be a massive issue in our relationship. Basically you need to live your own life along side him and decide if the money compensates for everything else. So decide if you want another year off, buy in domestic help, go back to work or not and do it. He's not going to share the load, do you want to give up the money in return for him being around. I'm not sure there's a compromise because if he wanted that he wouldn't be working this way. The plate comment makes him sound unpleasant. If he was wishing to have protected time at home he could.

Well that's got nothing to do with money or you going back to work, that's him behaving like a lazy entitled twat. Tell him to help clear the table and load the dishwasher.

OP this mind set about childcare is unhelpful. Childcare is a shared cost so it should never be wiping out your salary. In most cases it would be split based on earrings (35:65 in our house as I'm PT) but you are very fortunate in that even based on earnings you shouldn't be paying much. So in fact going back to work should be a choice, if you want to as a family you can afford it and if you don't, great, you can afford it.

Next is household management when you are back at work. Your DH is building up a business that takes him out of the home. He's not around which is not ideal but as a family you can buy in help to support you going back to work-nanny, cleaner, whatever.

Perhaps because you DH is such a high earner it is hard to see the value in your profession and salary? This shouldn't be the case, it's important to you. But also, you are FORTUNATE. Many people are making these decisions to go back to work to keep their career and financial independence and they will do so at a financial loss. So have a look around at what you have and put it to good use.

Sounds like you actually just are not happy in your marriage full stop. Do you even love him right now? It’s even more reason to go back to work and start earning your own money again as you’ve not said anything that suggests his work hours will change

I completely understand this, you’ve put it so well. However generous they are, a partner suddenly massively out-earning you, combined with the huge process of becoming a mother, is a lot to deal with. I am the same I get so annoyed now with DH, whereas before doing things felt like we were working as a team, now it feels like I am his PA if I do stuff for him. Even with completely shared finances it is hard not to perceive a power imbalance

Hard to love someone who is never there, I find anyway 😂

Don’t be silly, get a cleaner, get an ironing person and live your life.

If you want to work, go for it! But on a 500k salary, in a 2 bed house, you can more than afford some domestic help, whether you work or don’t work.

He doesn't want to be time compromised ,so he needs to change his business model and goals. No one is making him do what he's doing.

I don't understand why you are cleaning the house when your DH is on £500pa. Get a cleaner now while you make up your mind about work.

Well that’s just rude and insulting

Buy in more help NOW. Maybe employ a sitter for @ few hours to give you time to be you? Swim, gym, meet friends?

She’s anxious because you’re anxious and unhappy. She isn’t old enough to have developed her own personality yet. Anything she has is because she’s picking up on the feelings of those around her.