Should I be happy?

[Cnf1]

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

Work is not just about money.

And your situation is a case demonstrating just that (500k covers the lot you don't need to work per se)

It's cultivation of a sense of purpose, maintains independence, something that boosts your self esteem, keeps you connected to others, looks after the future you (pension), etc, etc

Stop thinking of work as paying for childcare it's totally not that.

Absolutely not. He very much sees his income as 'ours'. He even gets a kick out of seeing me spend it when I do e.g. christening outfit cost 3k. But I'm generally just not bothered about buying stuff though. I've always been irked by people getting around with expensive items that are basically advertising for the brand because their logo is planted in plain view. I feel if your advertising for something, you should be paid to do so.

want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do

childcare will come out of total income surely?

I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

It depends what you want & how you envisage your life.

My dad had the big high earning power job & my mum was a SAHM (with a nanny, other help etc). He was a good dad but not a good husband as he was a workaholic who enjoyed the buzz from work & that came first. They are separated now. I didn't want to marry someone with that kind of job/mindset. One sibling followed my dad so in effect became him, the other is like me & didn't want to marry into either.

Ok so if he's happy for you to spend it get a cleaner and that's one things that's bothering you sorted isn't it? I'm a sahm with a high earning dh and I've never wanted to return to work tbh but if staying home is making you unhappy that's what you must do. What about part time?

Get that cleaner booked and take dd out for a couple of hours whilst they're cleaning. My dc's are all at high school/uni now and I still have cleaners come and blitz the house once a month bc I fucking hate it and we can afford it! Stop feeling guilty - once you let go of that things will feel much easier.

On that salary, with a small mortgage you should be able to outsource most of it. Go back to work, take the hit, you can’t put a price on happiness/good mental health.

You're right. I know, it's a luxury to be in this position but in a way I wish I wasn't so lucky. It would be simpler if i just had to go back to work. I know she'd be better off with having me until 3 but I hate this role. There's no chance I'm not going back after that.

Do his wages go into a joint account?

Do you get an opportunity to enjoy this new found wealth?

If your husband was keeping on having a child than you, regardless of his job, why isn't he spending more time with her?
surely he can outsource some of his work to free up time?

No one can tell you what you should be happy with. You obviously aren't happy, so something needs to change. How will a teacher's wage not meet childcare costs? Even if it doesn't, as a family you appear to be able to afford a loss, for the sake of your happinees and mental health. A cleaner too.

Get a cleaner in a few times a week

Get a babysitter in a few hours a week so you can take a break and go to the gym / meet a friend for coffee

Being alone in a house day in day out with a baby would get to me too

This makes no sense. OP? Your household income is huge. Get a housekeeper. Get excellent childcare. Go back to work as and when you like. You have the luxury of lots of choices.

My Dad is a wealthy businessman but also found time to be a very involved father and I don't think my mother paired socks in her life!
I think i bring a level of perfectionism to anything I do and also like to be very fair in my dealings with others. This is why I am where I am.
I silently rage every evening, though, as I clean the day's mess and dinner plates because I never, ever, thought that I would become a skivvy. However, it feels very unfair to expect him to do these jobs considering the pressure he's under and the amount he has to do.
He keeps saying, "well let's get our cleaner to come more often" but that won't counteract him eating cream crackers and letting the crumbs fall as he moves throughout the house on work calls.

You shouldn't be happy just because other women would love your life.

One of my NCT group has a DH who is partner at a US law firm and makes more money than my DH (also a City lawyer, but for a mid tier international firm) but is utterly miserable because she does all the childcare and her career has to take a backseat.

Actually after my first DC my DH was offered a job similar to her DP with a 80-100k pay rise. It was hard but we decided not to go for it. I have a pretty senior role in my industry and me and DP both work "big jobs" and split childcare equally. Imo we're much happier than my friend whose DP works all hours, never sees the kids, but solely provides for them.

Saying that, as I said, to some women being a SAHM with a DP earning loads would be a dream. It definitely wouldn't be mine. It's all about what YOU want out of life :)

Get a cleaner and a nanny and stop moaning about housework. 3k on one outfit yet you are moaning that working will put you in a deficit. He’s bringing home 500k a year and you are moaning that he’s not doing housework because he wants to spend time with his child. Why not use some logic and moan about what should be bothering you (if anything), which surely is he doesn’t spend any time with you? He doesn’t need to do the housework, he needs to work less because he’s earning more than enough money and can afford to slow down. You need to stop moaning about stuff that’s totally in your control, you are incredibly privileged and can work or not work, hire a cleaner or not, spend whatever you want or don’t. Make changes if you aren’t happy.

Similar situation here. We've found a good balance. I freelance and work from home so can do all the nice parenting stuff like school runs but have the day to myself to work, exercise, see friends and do chores. We have a cleaner. It's not all or nothing - introduce different solutions and see what works. Start with a cleaner and find one who irons!

Ah so you already don’t have to do all the cleaning yourself. Robot vacuum cleaner can combat his crumbs.

Some people are being incredibly unempathetic on this thread OP. I could have written your post a few years ago. You sound stuck. Have some counselling (even just the time away from DD will be helpful) and try to rebuild your sense of self - not as who you were before all this, but in terms of who you are now and, importantly, who you want to be,

Then get the right kind of home help fr your family, get a job and go back to work. You won’t look back!

Everything goes into joint account and he really likes to see me spend it. Alleviates some guilt, i think.

GET A CLEANER! One full day per week. You don't need to do any housework other than that. Enjoy your baby, the cost of it will be negligible compared to your household income, particularly without nursery/nanny fees for now.

You sound far from being a skivvy.

You already have a cleaner

£3k on a christening outfit??? Get a grip. There's people on here who can't afford Weekly food shops never mind an outfit that costs more than their annual food bill.

You are obviously bored so go back to work.

So why are you pairing his socks???

Get a job and a housekeeper.

I’m unsure why you think doing a little housework is “skivvying” to be honest.

Well like you say yourself, it’s not just about money, is it? It’s about your independence, career and mental health.

And what’s the point in all that money, if you’re sacrificing your wellbeing and happiness – to save more money? What are you saving it for?

Not spending time with me is well down on my list. I think I just enjoyed the days when we both worked normal hours and shared household responsibilities evenly. We both enjoyed our jobs and were well able to live within our means.
He doesn't want to be so time- compromised but the alternative is folding his business. There are no possible half-measures, unfortunately.