Should I be happy?

[Cnf1]

So, my DH has become very successful in recent years. He makes £500k per annum for the last 5 years and it's on the up. I'm not someone who cares about material things. I drive a 25-year-old yaris and would happily spend the rest of my life living in our 2-bed house which I owned before I met him.
We've had a child in the last two years. I'm a sahm at the moment but planning on getting back to work ASAP, not for the money but for my mental health.
My AIBU is whether I should be unhappy with my current situation.
He works every hour that God sends but as a result, I'm forced into being a parent and housekeeper 24/7. I never wanted this life but have found myself in it. I instinctively feel that he should be doing housework but it feels unfair on him when he's racing home to spend time with our dd before bedtime and then back on his laptop, working. I find myself cooking, cleaning and entertaining our baby round the clock.
I have become the 1950's housewife which is so far from how I was raised and what I ever wanted. Tbh, he was the one who was desperate to have a child, I was on the fence but I'm madly in love with her now.
I want to go back to work ASAP but my meagre salary as a primary school teacher will mean we actually are at a deficit if I do and all the housework will still come down on me as he's permanently working.
He's self-employed and basically in the midst of creating an incredibly lucrative business so there's no chance of him being able to reduce hours.
I think what I'm asking is whether I should be happy pairing his socks, ironing his shirts and cleaning up everything in the house (including his dinner plate) every evening because he has work to do knowing that he is a great provider?

How did your mum avoid the sock sorting?

What’s stopping you getting your laundry and housework done by someone else and going back to work?

Your issue is your husband is rude, lazy, selfish and uninvolved as a parent
He'll be the same whether you work or not

Why have you not employed a cleaner and sourced an ironing firm? The cost of childcare should be shared so it's hardly a deficit.

With your husband earning what he does, you go back to work for your mental health and not the money. And you get a cleaner / nanny.

It sounds like you're making some of the situation yourself with unreasonable self-made expectations. Your DD is 18m. You can put her in daycare for a couple of days. She doesn't need you 24/7 or a childminder. She'll be fine. My sensitive kid loves daycare. At 18m, if you don't enjoy BFing so much, you can also stop and give her formula or just cow's milk in a cup. You can also afford a cleaner if your DH isn't doing anything. You can volunteer or do something part-time if teaching's not an option.

You'd be silly not to let your DH progress his business if it's doing so well and you should do the best for your daughter but you're important too and you don't have to be in a situation that makes you miserable.

Good Grief. Get a housekeeper to do jobs around the home. You get to pick the bits you want to do - aka the fun Mum parts - and your housekeeper does the dross jobs.

You aren't paying someone to raise your child. What waffle.

I was a SAHM for a number of years, DH worked away during the week. Yes it was hard in terms of doing all the housework and childcare but I also felt incredibly lucky that I had the luxury of not having to work and being able to be home with my children in their formative years. If you can afford it and it's what you really want then pay for the nanny and the cleaner and go back to work, even part time? Being a SAHM isn't for everyone and if it's making you unhappy, you have the power to change it. Your little one will benefit from having a happy and fulfilled mum. No need to feel guilty, your little one will be just fine 💐

In many ways the answer to 'should I be happy?' is yes. I would detest your lifestyle - being a kept woman, looking after a child 24/7, housework etc. Life is far too short for all that. But, the world is your oyster! With the money he's earning, you can get a cleaner, nanny, gardener the whole thing which leaves you free to pursue whatever career you want.

Hire a load of help then get back out there, you won't regret it!

My xH earned a lot of money and we lived in a big house. I was very unhappy, he hadn't had money when we met but become more and more focused on it.

I would have exchanged the money and "success" for him being a more loving, involved and present dad and partner, and in the end the marriage broke down.

But it doesn't have to be like that, it depends on what type of guy he is.

Do not stop working.

Going back to work doesn’t just have to be about money. It’s about having that time for you to be an adult and have other adult conversations. That’s what you’d get out of it. If your DH is happy for you to spend the money, get a cleaner, use the child care, but have a life of your own outside your family.

When DS was 4 I felt so much like I was just his mum and not me anymore. So I started doing volunteer work. I could commit just a few hours a week to it, and I got to be me again and not just DS mum. It helped my mentally feel like I was a person again. My guess is that’s the biggest reason you want to get back to work.

I would take one years salary and give up the job and be together - you could live on the interest from that

Eh what? Get yourself back to work, maybe part time for balance. Then outsource everything. I’m a teacher, don’t need to work financially but do it as I love my job. We have a housekeeper/cleaner and a gardener. I’ll keep going until I stop enjoying my job.

I voted that you are being unreasonable. Not because I don’t agree that you shouldn’t be unhappy with how things have turned out to be but because you don’t seem to suggest anything to make it better. You have the finances now to have all the ‘help’ in the world. Why do you need to do the cleaning? Get a cleaner/housekeeper. Why are you ironing? Get an ironing lady. Why are you doing all the cooking? Why do you think you should be doing any of these mundane tasks? You have the freedom to go back to work, to a job you enjoy and return to a home that needs nothing doing when you get back. Grasp that. You have the potential to live a life many of us would kill for!

You don’t mention ‘missing’ your husband? Other than all the above, are you seeing him enough? Do you feel your relationship is still good?

We have a cleaner 6 hrs a week. She's not there to clean dishes after every dinner though.

Surely your DH can put dishes in the dishwasher. Sounds like you both need to sit down and discuss what you want your lives to look like.

Six hours a week is nothing from a cleaner - up it to 18 (3 days of 6 hours) and things will look easier when someone else can meal prep for you, change the beds, do the laundry, ironing, cleaning etc

Well when he’s in the house he needs to help with tidying up. It’s fair that you cook but he should help wash dishes. You need to tell him how that makes you feel. Have you thought of counselling?

Do you not have a dishwasher?

Dont you have a dishwasher? 6 hours a week is decent but can be increased. Odd that you implied you had no cleaner earlier in the thread though. And as a SAHM with a cleaner, loading a dishwasher isn’t that bad. There are plenty of solutions available to you, you don’t don’t want them

This is my issue. I've looked into going back part time and it has been refused. I really don't want to look back on these years and feel, though I was in a position to do so, I didn't choose to spend as much time as I could with her. She's the love of my life and I want to do the best by her. I also want to keep my sanity together though.

OP with respect, you're being ridiculous!

You're in a v enviable position where you have a successful, driven husband & a healthy child.

You are not in a position where you are forced to go to work every day just to keep a roof over your heads

You have food on the table & zero financial worries

You get to spend your days with your dc & there's no penny pinching filling in long days with no cash to spare

All I can say is try to see your blessings. Enjoy this time with dd as you don't get it back

Why don't you volunteer, join a board of directors, look for a community project you can support- this will give you the external connection & validation you need

I can relate a bit to this OP. DH has big job, I've just quit my part time job as a primary teacher because I hated it. Just tutoring a few hours a week now.
I'm pretty bored. Am hoping to train for a new career but feel guilty about having to outsource help as the new career would involve long and unsociable hours.
My daughter is school age but with the close bond we have, it bothers me we may end up needing a nanny. I feel I can't have it all.

Yes there will be comments along the lines or 'cry me a river', but whatever money is earned, it's hard being the 'main parent' most of the week as it limits you and you sort of end up falling into a housekeeper/SAHM 'job' which isn't for everyone.
The difference here is money creates opportunity. You have the opportunity to do whatever you like, you just need to outsource help.

As explained earlier, we're in a similar position but guilt gets in the way.

You don't have to work for money - that puts you in a fortunate position, because it means you have options.

You can buy in help - cleaner, gardener, nanny, whatever. It will be helping others pay their bills, which is no bad thing. (That doesn't mean they don't deserve any appreciation, even if you're paying for it.) You can encourage him to at least clear the table when they aren't there, to show your daughter a good example if nothing else.

You can go back to work - full-time, or part-time. You could do adult education classes (depending on what's available locally,) or go to the gym, or do voluntary work. And you don't have to decide today. Nor is any decision set in stone forever - it's oy as long as a notice period, which in teaching is likely to be a term. Also your child is small now, but she will grow, and you should think ahead about how you will spend your time once she is at nursery and then school.

It is sensible to build your own pension - no one knows what the future will bring. And my mother always advised having a running away fund, just in case. But above all that, you need personal fulfillment of some sort.

I love him to death. He is happy to do anything for me that time will allow and that's why I'm not angry at all. He lifts our baby at 6.30 every morning to make sure I get some uninterrupted sleep and is home at 6 on the dot every evening to take her swimming so I can get on top of things when he's in the country.

well you can afford a cleaner, nanny, whatever you want. So get it if that helps