Has my husband lost his mind?

[orangesky1]

My husband has decided he wants to go and be a holiday tour leader overseas. With tips, his view is that this would be reasonably well paid.

we have a child in a school. I have a good job. He is deeply unhappy with the day to day life as a parent. We have a really good life but he doesn’t see it that way. This proposal is the only way he can see himself happy.

he wants us to go out there with him. I have said he can do this but he has to go there first by himself and show that it will work. I don’t believe it will, and will not disrupt my child’s life and my career for this whim. The job will involve stints of him being away on tours. I am not averse to moving for a positive financial situation and lifestyle change but to me this is madness. Fine if single, not compatible with being a responsible parent.

I think he is really fundamentally depressed, this depression will not magically disappear once the novelty has worn off

am I being unreasonable?

@Helen483 You asked If he leaves the country will you be able to collect child support?

I think it’s extremely unlikely that the OPs children will ever get a penny in child support from their father. Even if he was doing this type of job here in the Uk, he would probably be self employed, working for travel companies on a trip by trip basis.

It’s almost impossible to get child maintenance from self employed dads - they just set up their own company, declare their income as £9,000/ year and retain the money in the company. The Child Maintenance service won’t even query this for nearly two years, as they say it needs to be based on a whole years earnings and the paying parent doesn’t need to declare until nearly a year after their year end.

And that’s for someone doing that job in the Uk and setting up a UK registered company, with Uk customers and a Uk bank account. The Ops husband could be living in Greece doing windsurfing holidays for a German company in the summer and then doing snow boarding holidays for a Dutch company in Switzerland and France in the winter.

Don’t pay for any of this BS, eg the holiday he’s booked. If he wants to prioritise this you can divorce and he can pay for it himself.

This ⬆️

I think you know you'll be going it alone raising your DC and attempting to chase him overseas for money from his low paid job. Check out your full finances now and go and speak to a solicitor to see where you stand if he decides to go whether you go with him or not. How will HE manage his portion of childcare if he's living overseas on seasonal short term contracts?

He's living in cloud cuckoo land/having a midlife crisis that is beyond selfish but I'd let him go and do what he has to do but not uproot the family unless he's made a success financially and stability jobwise of it after a couple of years. Staying here would make him more resentful and depressed than he already is. He's an idiot!

Thanks.

im financially fine. I can cover all mine and child’s costs alone so im not too worried about maintenance.

im just so upset for my child. What lasting effect is this going to have on my child knowing that dad chose his own lifestyle on child.

or more like the narrative will be that I kept the family from being together because I wouldn’t do this move. Child will grow up to see dad living cool lifestyle on the beach and resent me, or worse, move as a teenager to go live with dad.

Remind child (when appropriate, suitably phrased) that you kept them in a stable home with food, things they need and stable schooling. I would explain about job security too, kids aren't stupid, they understand things if it's explained properly at the right time.

How likely is your DH to actually achieve the necessary qualifications and gain the experience to find a job abroad? Is it likely to happen?

My Dad did this. Basically decided he wanted to teach sailing to holiday makers for 6 months of the year and promptly fucked off to Greece.

Had a bunch of affairs, left me and my brother to look after my Mum while she went through a mastectomy and chemo / radiotherapy, and basically missed out on massive chunks of mine and my brothers teenage years when we really could have done with him around.

20 odd years later he now wonders why me and brother have very little interest in him and don't really see him as family. Funny how the consequences of your actions tend to come back around isn't it.

or more like the narrative will be that I kept the family from being together because I wouldn’t do this move. Child will grow up to see dad living cool lifestyle on the beach and resent me, or worse, move as a teenager to go live with dad.

I'd be shocked if this actually happened. children and teenagers are able to see through this surprisingly well.

You are responsible and sensible, sadly your husband isn’t. He only sees his own goal that will save his life or whatever his misled belief is right now.

It looks like the only think you can do is let him go follow his fancies while managing the disruption - no free access to spend all your family money and so on. Make it clear he is choosing to leave his family behind and is on his own in it.

Agreed. Kids see much more than you think, and value love and stability above all else.

Following your update above, I would say even more so to divorce your husband now.

While your child is young, I would not tell him that his father chose this lifestyle over him - just frame it as that you and your husband could no longer be together and his father now works abroad. Of course as the child gets older he may realise it was the lifestyle his father cared about more, but I seriously doubt this is going to be a long-term employment option for your husband anyway.

Believe me, your son will appreciate having a settled home life, schooling etc far far more.

It’s a massive betrayal of your marriage vows, OP, and his commitment to his family. You sound more than reasonable in trying to accommodate this madness. He is giving nothing in return and refusing even to compromise. I think you know where this is heading.
Are there family and friends who can talk to him? What do his parents think about this? If they don’t know, I’d be telling everyone. The sooner some sunlight is unleashed on this craziness, the better.
Your child will not blame you. Your DH will not make a go of this. Anyone who is prepared to dump his DW and DC for this pipe dream does not make a good or reliable employee. Yes, it may sound like a holiday job but it will be anything but a holiday for him. He’ll be the one fixing the transport at 5am, unblocking the loos, driving the clients to A&E and cleaning yup their vomit when they overdo it. He’s just demonstrated he is not a team player and these jobs rely on team players.
I would give him an ultimatum and start separating finances at the very least. It’s impossible to recover respect for a man this delusional and selfish. You are doing the right things OP. I’m so sorry this has happened.

DH's fav fun sport is kayaking.

I know lots of people with coaching qualifications as a result. Some of whom do it for a career.

There is a reason DH doesn't despite having these qualifications.

Loads of those who do it, struggle to find permanant full time, year round employment. Despite ALREADY having the qualification, experience AND knowing everyone in the industry who employees.

You husband is a) older b) doesn't have the qualifications c) doesn't have the experience and d) doesn't have the contacts. And he will be competiting against those who have all these things going for them.

Its fairly common for instructors to be single and live in vans as a result of the above. Yep I do have friends who have no fixed abode and live in a van. Their ability to hold down a serious relation is somewhat impacted by their fecklessness. They are the life and soul, some have interesting stories to tell but adulting isn't their strong point and I do wonder where some of them they will be by the time they hit 50 are no longer physically able to keep doing the job (cos such a physical job is really not sustainable much older than that because of how often you get injury).

These are people I love to bits, but fuck me I wouldn't want to be financially or emotionally tied to them in anyway.

How can you wonder your travels do you no good, when you carry yourself around with you?" Seneca.

You can’t cure depression by running away from it. If he’s unhappy, he needs to work on what’s going on in his head as opposed to changing the scenery.

Crazy isnt it how abandoning you then expecting you in his life now.. sadly lots of parents like this including one of mine never think past themselves and the consequences.
They taught us to live without them .

You can’t predict what your H will say or do in the short, medium or long term should you divorce, or indeed stay married. regarding his parenting of the DC.

He may have his ‘script’ internally and in what he says to the DC, friends and family. You decide on yours.

Mine for friends/family would be something like: In April DH said X expressed unhappiness with his work and parenting responsibilities and said he wanted to do X and for me to do X, Y and Z. Wasn’t acceptable for me, DC or feasible due to the need to maintain parenting and family financial and housing stability. I said that if he chose to pursue that path I would wish to separate.

@Dozer thank you. This is so calm and clear. Had not thought about preparing ‘my script’

That also works for the H.

If you do X, Y and Z will be the result. No room for sulking or coercion.

I'm confused. He has spent family money on himself and you are the main earner? So you and the kids aren't having a holiday.

He is treating you like bank of mum and dad and he can do what he likes with family money. You do need to protect yourself and the dc, so separate the accounts and he should get a second job to fund his hobbies! Not make his family go without! He's treating you like a mug.

You are very reasonable and level headed.

I recognise he is unwell and this isn’t a response for everyone but I’d have lost my shit at this. He needs to go and do whatever it is he wants, and stop dragging the rest of you down. Do not think of leaving your job or uprooting your child for a folly. You are not responsible for someone else’ happiness.

Well it’s not ideal but putting up with her DH being away a few weekends a year might be preferable to non stop moaning, uprooting her life or the disruption of divorce

OP’s H isn’t talking about ‘a few weekends a year’.

Thinking about this, even if he got all the qualifications & worked successfully abroad, is a life there one you want?

this is completely correct, I was an overseas rep and it’s long hours, unsociable hours, you have to be able to think quickly , react quickly , problem solve, keep everybody happy, take abuse and not react badly, customer skills need to be really good and you have to be able to deal with world and his wife, from tourists to police to hospital doctors. Things go wrong and you have to sort it. there’s also a lot of admin involved in these type of roles. It’s not a job for the faint hearted. And the days of making lots of money in these jobs is long gone.

The main thing I feel you need to do is to separate your finances immediately. Or he will figure out a way to take it all to fund his mid/early-life crisis.

Let him fund his folly himself and see if he stays serious when he figures that out.

Where has the money come from for this course?
Who earned it?

If you, get legal advice while he is gone and start organising yourself.

He sounds like a selfish arse.
Let him off.