Has my husband lost his mind?

[orangesky1]

My husband has decided he wants to go and be a holiday tour leader overseas. With tips, his view is that this would be reasonably well paid.

we have a child in a school. I have a good job. He is deeply unhappy with the day to day life as a parent. We have a really good life but he doesn’t see it that way. This proposal is the only way he can see himself happy.

he wants us to go out there with him. I have said he can do this but he has to go there first by himself and show that it will work. I don’t believe it will, and will not disrupt my child’s life and my career for this whim. The job will involve stints of him being away on tours. I am not averse to moving for a positive financial situation and lifestyle change but to me this is madness. Fine if single, not compatible with being a responsible parent.

I think he is really fundamentally depressed, this depression will not magically disappear once the novelty has worn off

am I being unreasonable?

Which country is he thinking of?

This. Otherwise he will expect to come back to you when it all goes wrong. And it will be your job to fix everything and make him happy.

I couldn't actually have any respect for him. This would kill it dead.

He'd need to be fluent in multiple languages. My son worked as a tour guide in Norway far up into the Arctic Circle. Northern lights tours, Reindeer farms etc. Tour companies hire students who can speak Norwegian and English and/ or German. He was a student at the time +worked early mornings +late nights. Tips shared with bus driver. You've had some great advice already.

Another reason for not following him out there is that if your marriage does go belly up after a few years, your DH could make it difficult for you to return to the UK with your child, depending on whether the other country is a Hague Convention signatory and your residency status there. The other country may be treated as the child’s normal place of residence for the purposes of the court.

I would only move if it was truly a joint decision, your marriage is in great health and the decision is being made in a clear sighted way, with a strong dose of realism. It doesn’t seem any of this is the case.

This. No EU country will offer a third country national a job.

Being an adventure tour guide is very different from adventuring. If he's working for a responsible company, he'll be leading tours which are well within his physical capabilities so he has enough spare energy to assist the group. He won't be exploring lots of new routes, he'll be leading tours of the same routes over and over again. He will probably find himself reciting the same script everyday, including the same jokes. He will need to carry out/adhere to risk assessments and monitor the weather. Keeping the group safe is a big responsibility.

Some tour companies expect applicants to complete a demanding training course before they lead a group for real. My friend failed hers; her communication wasn't up to scratch, apparently.

Some tourists seem regress to childhood when on a tour, so he'll be defusing arguments, reminding people of the essentials they need to bring with them, rounding up stragglers and looking for lost phones.

Let him go… but don’t let him back. You and your child deserve so much better than this

Just a speculation, but I'd be concerned that he just wants you to go with him to ease his guilt of "abandoning" his family if he were to go alone. If you move with him your relationship ends, it can be blamed on a number of factors instead.

Either way, you deserve so much more!

Is he the kind of guy who always thinks that the next "great idea" will be what makes him happy?

First it was having a relationship. He would be like the guy on the IKEA ad happily painting his new flat with his GF. But that didnt work, so it was getting married, he would be the blissfully happy man with the woman who adores him. But that didnt work. So then it was having kids. He would be fulfilled and happy and like the fathers in the Asda adverts, laughing joking and celebrating wonderful family time. Then it was his next new hobby, he would be fulfilled and happy and like the men celebrating finishing the marathon (say) and now it is this?

Basically, he will always be looking outwards for his happiness and when it doesnt come, he will look for something else. Instead of looking inside and working out what is making him so fundementally unhappy?

I had a friend who was a tour leader and in fact it is not well paid. A lot of people are fairly mean when it comes to tipping. The staff that get recruited are the type that are life and soul of the party. If he isn't I doubt he would be taken on.

I'm sorry to mention this but I have an acquaintance like this. He's planning to buy a home in the Canaries and abandon his wife and child. He says "life is too short".
I think he's secretly gay and having multiple liasons abroad.

Now you have said this, I wonder if the people who do this job are people who would take this sort of holiday out of the love of it, and so to them its being paid to be on holiday?

So rather than it being lucrative because no one wants to do it, its actually crap pay because lots of people want to do it?

What a mess! I haven’t read all the posts (too many) but have got the gist.
In my opinion, it is clear that he is fed up with marriage and parenthood and wants out. He wants to turn the clock back and be a twenty something with no ties.
In my opinion, you have little choice but to let him go, but i think that even if you went with him, your marriage would be over. So sorry, but you need to kick him out and make a proper life for yourself and the children. If you were to survive this hiccup, he’ll only do something similar down the line.
Good luck!

He's trying to run away.

Trouble is, the one thing he really wants to run away from and can't, is ultimately himself.

You cant change this.

He can only find peace when he makes whatever peace he needs with himself.

He is having mid life crisis...

the tour leaders I have travelled with are all freelance working for two or more companies and being offered work as and when. Also, travel is seasonal so they might do India and then Greece. Therefore they tend to have a home in the UK. Also, the ones I have met can speak the language of the country they are guiding in and are highly knowledgeable about the history/ geography. Finally, they are NOT on holiday. We have been away with groups when the guide has had to deal with mugging, lost passports, dehydration and broken legs (in the hotel). Perhaps he needs to talk to a few companies to find out what their requirements are? You would be mad to up sticks and just follow him without him having everything sorted.

Is he under the impression that your DC won’t need to be parented in this magical oasis? Perhaps they could take themselves to school on the backs of some friendly mountain goats? Live off fruits they can pick themselves off trees? Or maybe just find themselves a friendly bear and live in the jungle, like Baloo?

I think your relationship is over. He’s asking you for permission to go, but if you say no, I don’t think he’s going to accept that. I think he’s just too much of a coward to tell you that he wants to be in his early 20s again. He knows you’re not going to uproot your lives to go and watch him re live his youth. That’s why he asked you to go with him. It’s far easier for him if he’s able to blame you for trying to tie him down and stifle his dreams. He can leave home, safe in the knowledge that you’re the baddie, while he forgets about the family he has just walked out on (until he gets old and ill and needs looking after).

OP please tell me he’s not deluding himself that he’ll make mega bucks as a middle aged divemaster on a liveaboard? Or as a trekking guide in Asia. He won’t.

Is this a recent adventurous hobby he’s developed or something long standing? Trying to gauge whether there is a potential bright young thing he’s taken a shine to who is off to do their gap year somewhere convenient for this adventurous lifestyle…

Let him go give it a go on his own, but ensure you get anything out of joint accounts first and be careful to protect your ability to pay mortgage, bills etc/ensure no debt can be taken out against your home. Do not go with him/uproot your child. Do not bail him out when it all comes crashing down.

Let him go...

If he has been offered a job already, certainly he should go. After his probation period has ended, you can visit and see how it's going. Does he have savings to support himself and do you have the same?

He will have to send his share or some money home.

Of course you can't throw your career, life, uproot a child! Do you own your house or do you rent? What if you rent? Do you give it up, ship everything out or sell it? Then can't come home and rent again because you don't have a job?

It's so bizarre. But you don't have to go. Why doesn't he volunteer with mountain rescue or something like that? Or join the army, or police?

If he goes, make sure he is insured. He pays for it.

While, yes, irrational and illogical, don’t forgey that there is honestly a chance he believes this and does want you all to move out there with him (there’s so much ‘run’ advice because people assume he’s hoping you won’t go, but there’s also a chance he’s hoping you all move and you get some crazy remote job or the like)

As a guide he will have to be a person who can cope splendidly in a crisis. To be realistic it doesn't sound as though he would be a person who could cope with participants who have had things stolen, suddenly become ill, suddenly need to return home due to family reasons. maybe he needs to find out a lot more about being a group leader. He sounds like he would not cope well with problematic people. My friend gave up after two people ended up arrested and now works in an office .He will have to be prepared to respond quickly to all kinds of situations I really don't think he will make a success of it sadly.

I was going to say that I’d be tempted to call his bluff and go provided he makes all the arrangements re housing, school, transport, vaccinations, putting stuff into storage etc. That’s not going to happen. But he sounds like a dick so I’d probably just let him go and move on with life.