Has my husband lost his mind?

[orangesky1]

My husband has decided he wants to go and be a holiday tour leader overseas. With tips, his view is that this would be reasonably well paid.

we have a child in a school. I have a good job. He is deeply unhappy with the day to day life as a parent. We have a really good life but he doesn’t see it that way. This proposal is the only way he can see himself happy.

he wants us to go out there with him. I have said he can do this but he has to go there first by himself and show that it will work. I don’t believe it will, and will not disrupt my child’s life and my career for this whim. The job will involve stints of him being away on tours. I am not averse to moving for a positive financial situation and lifestyle change but to me this is madness. Fine if single, not compatible with being a responsible parent.

I think he is really fundamentally depressed, this depression will not magically disappear once the novelty has worn off

am I being unreasonable?

This.

Your dh is basically looking to jettison away from you and your child

Sadly, Your marriage is basically over if he goes ahead with this.

I think I’d tell him that’s it’s his life and of this is what he wants then fair enough. But you and the dc also have lives and you won’t be waiting around for him. He’s an adult, a husband and a parent, and he doesn’t get to opt out of this lightly, at least not the latter of the three.

sounds like he envisages a life full of sun, sex and sand. My guess is he’ll be knackered, living in awful accommodation, being paid peanuts for long hours having to oversee holiday makers (which are the aorst type of customers to deal with).

You don’t have to wait for him to leave you. You have the option to separate and seek to agree to co parent and split finances etc

This is a sensible attitude to take, but I’m sure it’s not easy.

FWIW my life is much more content now I’ve ditched Unhappy Husband. Me and the kids live the life the way we like to - no more waking up at the weekend wondering what we’re going to have to do to make life meaningful for him. If we want to sit around in our PJs all day, we do.

Good luck, OP.

Let him go. Friends daughter has done, ski work, cruise work, horse work, picking fruit. She's young, single, has some horror stories, her parents are still bailing her out financially.

He's a twit.

I know a few men who do these sort of jobs. I live in a country where this is a job (think game guides, adventure walks / rides etc). They seem to do pretty well financially but they are local ie this is their country. How would you DH do this unless he has the specific knowledge of whatever foreign country he is planning on going to and the skills? Maybe you haven’t told us this and he does?

also none of these men I know are very good or present family men… one divorced with a child (I’d imagine his lifestyle wasn’t conducive to being at home), another married but no kids and wife has grown kids of her own, another is a single dad (a widow) and has to leave kids with his mum and nanny for extended periods of time (this is the only job he knows and he loves it but it’s hard being away for so long), another has worked in many lodges and doesn’t stay in one post for long, he is married with but the kids are getting to an age where he can’t keep changing schools to suit his work (much easier when they are young) and will possibly have to look at a change in career.

Divorce his selfish ass then. He's made it pretty clear he doesn't want you or the children anymore. Don't let this limbo of being married but him not actually with you drag on for years (like my stupid mother did).

I'd start getting in the mindset of being a single parent, seeing a solicitor and starting divorce proceedings. I'd do it even if his grand scheme of tour guide doesn't come to pass.

I'd let him go but I wouldn't let myself or my house be a fallback for him when he wants to come home between 'tours'. He can't pretend afterwards that he still has a family.

Would you manage financially without him?

My MIL used to do this in the summer in Spain. Went over for about four months. She spoke five languages though, and was very personable. This was key to her success. She didn’t make vasts amount of money, she had a flat there and it basically covered her expenses and flights and socialising. Does your DH speak at least one other language? Even if where he’s thinking of speaks English, many tourists do not.

Has he explained why he chose to get married and have children if he's born for adventure?

Sounds like a mid life crisis to me.
Has he considered re-training into a more adventurous type job in the UK? Forestry or park ranger? Arborist, landscaping? Working for or starting a Go ape type business, retraining as instructor in something like rafting or caving etc?

I think his mental health issues will follow him as the grass is not always greener. But let him go find that out.

I've a divorced friend who runs cycling tours overseas and lives a single life as it's full on 24/7 and can be a lot of aggro sorting out clients' problems. Is your "D"H a good proactive problem solver or a passive victim of circumstance (hence the depression)? Can he speak the language(s)?

My friend only sees his DC off season and tbh they are getting to the age (yr7) where they're not really bothered whether they see him or not as he's not part of their day-to-day life apart from a fortnightly call. More of a fairweather uncle type figure than a dad. Luckily his xW found another partner who is super with her boys and is much more of a dad to them than their own selfish dad.

A very good friend of mine is a very experienced tour guide for a big UK company. She is the sunniest unflappable person I know. She says it is incredibly hard work and although she mostly loves her guests has had to deal some quite traumatic experiences. It's not an easy career choice and certainly not for someone with a tendency to depression.

I’d let him go and file for divorce. He’s a shit husband and an even shitter dad.

Do not move abroad with a shaky marriage

If you split when you are there, you may not be able to return home with the children as that country will have become their place of habitual residence.

He may not be interested in doing the drudgery of daily parenting but he could still effectively force you to stay in the country with the kids.

Was he “happy” with the 9-5 life before children were in the picture or has he always had this strong view?

Was he a very active and outdoorsy person when you met or is this a new thing?

if it’s the latter for both questions it indicates that he is just unhappy with family life rather than work etc.

Dont up sticks for this man as you could end up doing so and he could realise actually raising children and being a family man is what’s the real issue and you’d be screwed.

Tell him to visit the Drs, see a therapist and after 6 months of medication or therapy you can “re-visit” the topic. I think you’ll find then that he’ll be more honest about what the actual issue is or he will be feeling better from the help and not wanting to go.

Set him free. Sometimes they're not worth keeping.

And don't let him back. It's all about him from your posts, but what about you? YOU deserve someone who is not dragging YOU down and who can happily participate in your life, or if not that, a contented single life which is not being sabotaged by an adult Peter Pan.

Sadly it sounds like he is living in a fantasy world. I’d just let him go, he’ll likely find out pretty sharpish that life isn’t a fantasy and nor is he 18 anymore.

He sounds like a fantasist twat. I'm sorry. Let him go.

What type of tour leader? Like an 18-30's rep? Sounds like a midlife crisis. Tell him to grow up.

Honestly, "go and be a holiday tour leader overseas" covers so huge a range of possibilities that without knowing a lot more about it, and about what qualifies him to do it, it's impossible to take a view on whether or not he is being realistic.

Fuck sake. It might have been nice if he'd explained his "unable to live a normal life" dynamic personality to you before he decided to marry and start a family. Dickhead.

Is he from another country and unhappy here? I know of a few people who detest to be here and are only because they are now trapped with family. I sympathise with him. People are all not shape the same way. You said that you have a good life but if he is unhappy then let him try to be happy. Support him and see how it goes. Did you wanted a child and he didn’t? Even if he did. Can’t man be depressed after starting a family? It is very hard for many people man and women.

Definitely mid life crisis but unfortunately he needs to grow up and recognise he can’t just walk away from responsibilities and it’s selfish for your family life to be upended this way.

is there really no way he can get a different job here or retrain? What does he say when you tell him this is not what you want or what is good and stable for your children? He sounds depressed.

His answer will tell you all that you need to know and you need to prepare to go it alone and divorce.

You're on a hiding to nothing here OP. If he doesn't go, he'll blame you for not allowing him to go. If he goes alone he'll tell you that leaving you and the children behind is upsetting and he can't concentrate on the job. If you go with him, the responsibilities of being a husband and father will mean he can't fully commit to tour guiding.

TLDR; you're screwed whatever you do, so do what is right for you and your children.