Has my husband lost his mind?

[orangesky1]

My husband has decided he wants to go and be a holiday tour leader overseas. With tips, his view is that this would be reasonably well paid.

we have a child in a school. I have a good job. He is deeply unhappy with the day to day life as a parent. We have a really good life but he doesn’t see it that way. This proposal is the only way he can see himself happy.

he wants us to go out there with him. I have said he can do this but he has to go there first by himself and show that it will work. I don’t believe it will, and will not disrupt my child’s life and my career for this whim. The job will involve stints of him being away on tours. I am not averse to moving for a positive financial situation and lifestyle change but to me this is madness. Fine if single, not compatible with being a responsible parent.

I think he is really fundamentally depressed, this depression will not magically disappear once the novelty has worn off

am I being unreasonable?

He's having a breakdown.

He wants to bugger off abroad while you raise his children. Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Well I have (maybe incorrectly) assumed he wants to do tours such as walking, cycling or another activity. I get it. You go on holiday, do a trip like this and think "oh I wish I could do that for a living instead of being in a boring office job in the UK". In which case, being middle aged (or British) is of no relevance!

However, you do actually need qualifications, permits, insurance, working visas, health checks etc. You can't just turn up in (for example) Peru and decide that you're going to lead tours up to Machu Picchu!

He’s using this as way out as he know you won’t come.

Thanks all. I’m keeping it deliberately brief. He can theoretically do this re visas, but it’s a single person’s mission, not something a decent family man would do. I could also get a working visa and get work there, but unclear how I would manage full time work and my child in a foreign country with no support while he is on the tours. (Yes tours are more adventure style than 18-30 lol!)

my feeling is that we are supporting actors in this dream of his. he does want us (the children at least) there but without the drudge.

YABU for suggesting you’d consider it and stay married to him should he do this.

If he wants out of your marriage, so be it, but if he chooses to be a deadbeat dad and abandon his DC he’d still need to, at minimum, pay maintenance.

Has he got any experience?

I have some of the qualifications mentioned previously and it requires some time and investment.

Does he realise a lot of leading is knowing first aid (needs at very least, 2-day outdoor FA) risk assessments, both in advance and dynamic plus a lot of "fixing". It's not exactly all swanning along at the front of a group.

I’d see a lawyer and also discuss the basics of the split with him before he left as this is not the behaviour of a man interested in his family.

Yanbu to think he's out of his mind. Yabu to believe this is depression speaking. I've lost count of the number of women I know in RL and also on MN who put a flaky DH's behaviour down to depression. It never really is. People with depression don't generally have the energy to come up with grand schemes for lifestyle change. It's more likely to be boredom and a sense of entitlement to something more thrilling than being a committed dad and partner.

He's thrill seeking.

Even if you went, he wouldn't get that thrill. Because the problem is responsibility not location.

Adventure sports are exceptionally poorly paid because they are a life style choice rather than a career option. This means they won't support a family. Almost everyone I know who goes into adventure sport as a job, quits when they have children for a reason. Many people I know who work in this area have to have multiple jobs to support themselves, because the work is seasonal. This is WITHOUT the additional pressure of children.

This means that ultimately means that it will be for you to pick up the pieces and provide the financial security because he doesn't want this responsibility. In another country without support and possibly with a language barrier.

Its unrealistic.

You have to be the grown up regardless cos you can't just abandon the children.

Its not a midlife crisis. Its an abdication of reponsibility and being a dick.

We moved overseas on a whim, came back after 1 year after we had depleted finances.

1. It is much more expensive than you plan for. You need to add 40% to your budget, think medical, dentist, school, deposits, funds to actually enjoy your life, imported british foods for kids, deposits on property, pool maintenance, car lease, visas, insurance, legal stuff.
2. Tour guides do not get paid much, you need to think about your work.
3. Visas are a pain in the butt, which visa are tou all going on and does it cover what you need
4. You need a plan b to come home if it doesnt work out
5. You need savings
6. You need a job yourself as surviving on one income of a tour guide is risky
7. Language barriers are real, sorting visas, finances, property leases etc.

We left our uk house empty and didnt rent it out until we had done a year and decided if it was for us.

Its a great dream to live, but not without stress and expense.

Can he not get a job with overseas travel included that is basedbin the UK? Cabin crew for example?

That's a point, the Renter's Reform Bill is going to change renting, so if you do go & rent your home out, be careful about being able to get possession of your house if you come back.

I'd let him jog on...

I have such little patience for adults who shirk responsibility for their own actions.

He chose to have children; he has a duty to you and these children to raise them well.

Nobody understands duty anymore. It's all me, me, me and I.

Tell him to formulate a solid plan that is in the best interests of every member of the family (including any aging parents), and sell it to you. It's fair also for you to brainstorm ways in which your current life can be improved for him. Moving abroad to live a single man's life isn't one of them.

When we did it we decided together we would happily lose 50 grand to explore changing our entire lives. Which we did, with no regrets. But it was something we both wanted to do.

Back in the late 70s, after watching 'The Good Life' (curse that programme forever), my father wanted to do the same and go self-sufficient. We were living in Oz at the time and had 3 acres of property...but as my mother pointed out, Tom Good didn't have 3 children to support, and the programme wasn't real fucking life anyway!

Like your husband, my father hated family life. I was 9 at the time, and we'd already moved around Oz about 4 times because he couldn't settle in anything...I'd had attended 3 different primary schools. Very disruptive and stressful.

As a compromise, my father took a government position working on aid projects in what were then called the third world...and like your husband, expected my mother, myself and my two brothers to go with him. Unlike yourself, my mother went along with it, because my father threatened to leave if she didn't. My mother valued her marriage above her 3 children.

An already long story slightly shorter, we had 5 years of hell, moving all around the world. In one year we moved countries 3 times. Our schooling was badly disrupted - we all completely missed one whole year. Both my brothers caught serious illnesses that still affect them nearly 50 years later. I will never forgive either of them for wrecking a large part of my childhood. My father left my mother for another woman when my younger brother turned 18.

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up, frankly. Being a tour guide is something he should have done before marrying and having a family.

This 100%. He is opting out of life and expecting you to fill in the gaps for him.

I guess all you can do is let him go but expect substantial support payments of at least what he is providing now.

Divorcing him after a short while will be easy at least as he has abandoned you.

Middle aged British tourists and retirees.

Let the man-child go and rebuild your life without him. He wants out of your relationship but is too cowardly to say so. What an twat.

These are not jobs for people who need to support a family. My DP (retired) does this for one of the biggest UK travel companies, but it merely augments his pension. “In country” tour guides are self/employed or run as a small business. To survive they have a portfolio of things they do, depending on the situation, they generally cannot rely on tour guiding to make a living. They also need to hustle & be very entrepreneurial. He needs to thoroughly research this.
Tour guiding requires enormous people management skills. Punters can be vv annoying!

Agree. It's could be a sort of 'soft' break up. He'll go, you probably won't. Job done.

I also think his definition of this 'working' will be different to OPs. He will judge the success of this endeavour based on how happy he is, not on how much he earns. He'll be happy in a shack on the beach if he's free of parenting and suburbia.

Sadly, I think he may exit stage left one way or another,

He wants to swan off, so let him go

YANBU in the least - he is depressed, he wants to go down, let him go down by himself, your first priority is your dc and yourself. He behaves as a single young man with no responsibility. He wants to go on his gap yaahh. Yes, he lost his mind - or this is just a delayed teenage rebellion, even if he is 54.

Lazy fucker wants to sit on the beach, pretending he's 20.

Overseas based travel agent here . Depending on where he is thinking of going you need to look at locals laws and licences as he may not be able to just turn up and be a tour guide even if he has a visa as there are lots of ins and outs as if you can actually operate . Plus sometimes qualicfications are actually needed. The Mass tourism companies like TUI / Jet 2 etc pay peanuts and often have to employ local staff. ( watched a Jet staff member get stopped at the airport teh other day as e didn[t have the correct licence) . There are tour companies that pay well - but they use staff that have experience and dedicate 12-15 hours a day to guests - They speak 2 or more languages fluently and work really hard....

Agreed with all comments. It blows my mind to be honest that he thinks this is a reasonable way to behave.

he is adamant that it is impossible for him to be happy living a normal life in the 9-5 and that he is made for adventuring not a typical life. He has been miserable for a long time and it is dragging us all down which is I why I’m happy for him to go try this on his own. Whether he leaves me or not, it will be an improvement as the status quo is also not an option as he insists on only seeing negatives in our current life, and will not consider anything other than this extreme change.