Close friends / relatives that you thought would love your child - just have no interest…

[Amiwrongamiright]

Have you ever been in a position where you feel a little disappointed with close people in your life who you thought would adore your children, just have no interest at all to be in their life?

This situation has been playing on my mind on and off for a few years. One of my closest friends, as in each others maid of honour and went to school and uni together close. Has shown very little interest in my DC since about 2/3 weeks old. I don’t expect constant checking in, I don’t expect much. But they’ve only met my DC once or twice in 3 years and never ask to see them, don’t send a card or text on their birthday. Will ask generic “how’s so and so” out of politeness when we meet (in evenings so not with DC)

Ive noticed a shift in our friendship too

They are childfree by choice right now and want kids Iater on. Just in case anyone asks . No fertility issues or wanting babies yet,

I haven’t mentioned anything to her. And probably won’t. I also understand the whole your children aren’t as important to you as others etc, I think I’m just secretly deep down sad.

Yes I understand how you feel.
For us it was with ‘close’ family, so I think that’s even worse.

The thing is, the only reason there is music and art and all these other amazing (and worthwhile) activities is because humans exist to create them. You have every right to choose not to have kids and dedicate your life to these things or any other 'hobby', profession or cause and that's a completely legitimate choice but you only exist because your parents didn't make that choice.

This is something that is often said to the childfree by choice - “if your parents had thought like you, you wouldn’t be here”. There are any number of reasons I might never have existed. My parents might never have met, the egg and sperm that made me might never have met, my mother might have decided she was one and done, my mother might have miscarried me. I can’t say that the thought that I might never have existed keeps me awake at night.

This 100%.

gannett
Oh pack it in, that's a completely disingenuous interpretation of what I said. Creating a world where women feel supported to be mothers if they choose it and children are valued is not the handmaid's tale - it's the complete opposite.

And I would absolutely agree the climate and refugee crisis, the discrimination and oppression of women and girls and the perilous state of the world generally are all massive factors in women choosing not to procreate. I don't blame any woman for making the choice not to - it's a completely rational decision.

But we are getting further from the original point. The point I was making is, that whatever your reasons for having children or not - whether there are a million legitimate reasons or not, having children doesn't fit the categorisation of lifestyle choice or hobby despite your attempts to trivialize it.

You said young women should be encouraged to be mothers. I feel that's boxing them into a restrictive role and promoting the idea that their purpose in life is tied to their reproductive ability.

I don't think "lifestyle choice" and "hobby" are trivialising words. Choosing your lifestyle is the most important thing you can do for yourself in the one life you have. But the fact remains that people who become parents choose to do so, and that entails choosing the lifestyle that goes with it. And it is as all-encompassing and life-defining as someone who chooses to devote their life to sculpture, or triathlons, or flute-playing. And it's no more or less trivial than those things.

By encouragement I mean creating a society where women are supported to be mothers IF they choose to. I talked about choice multiple times in all my posts and the legitimacy of choosing not to for whatever reason.

However, at the moment the cost of living crisis, sky high nursery and housing costs and full time, often inflexible working patterns, means motherhood is on track to be a choice for only the very wealthy and privileged and that is not the basis for a fair and equitable society.

Don't let it bother you. Not everyone is interested in other people's children...... become closer to those who are.

YABU my own DM shows little interest or love for my DC her GC. If friends show a passing interest thats fine. Just because your PFB is the be all and end all in your world doesn’t mean friends and acquaintances will feel the same a passing interest is sufficient.

Having said that when I was younger I was really close to one friends DC I was her godmother and sadly she moved away and we lost touch.

People aren't as " fun" once they have kids...me included! If you went partying or even for tea and cake with a friend before kids, that will have changed afterwards.
Child free kids aren't interested in the price of nappies, healthy weaning foods and your child's latest hobby.

Is your chat child centric?

I remember my friends all having children when I was in my late 20s/early 30s and I wasn't ready. I drifted away from them during that time to be honest. We were living such different lives and I had no interest in their children or talking about children. Then I had a child and my child- free best friend couldn't care less and didn't get it ...he asked me to go to a gig 2 days after I gave birth and was surprised when I said no! Unless your friend really adores children, I think her reaction is pretty normal.

It's a steep learning curve of parenting, realising that literally no-one cares that much about your children. I am fond of some of my friend's DC but that's as far as it goes. I don't know when their birthdays are, unless my DC are invited to a party. Especially as my DC get older I have no interest in little ones really. If I had no kids of my own I would be even less interested.

I'm not a kids person and although I was always kind to my ex close friends child, I wouldn't say there was any kind of bond. I used to ask after her and saw her occasionally, but that's it. In the end we grew apart anyway.

Do you love (or show great interest in) the children of other friends? Did you do so before you had a child of your own?

Some people just don't like kids. That includes many people who love their own children but don't really want to interact with anyone else's. It's a perfectly valid perspective, the propagation of the species notwithstanding. 😅

I fully understand this. The person who is supposed to be my best friend of going on 30 years she'd be wanting to take my child out and wanting to spend loads of time with them have them for tea and wanted me to live close so we can spend time together more her kids and mine and yet nope. She's even a God parent to them but doesn't bother to come see them or be invited round and now to the point she makes excuses constantly when her kids ask to come round too.

I love my late best friend’s children- they’re in their 30s and I’ve always loved them. And she did mine, too.

I know what you mean in relation to family members who haven’t shown much interest however, i’d not expect friends to be overly invested in my children. Obviously asking how the kids are is polite, i’d ask childfree friends how their partners / parents/ pets etc are when I see them but i’d not necessarily send their partners / parents cards or text happy birthday etc. I have a family member who has a group chat with family & friends just to share pictures of her child, she’s almost 2 now and there’s been daily updates since birth - it’s just too much, people (other than maybe grandparents) are usually only being polite when taking an interest.

I had my kids long before the rest of my peer group. I was left alone. Kids weren’t their thing at all and they had their own lives to get on with. These things happen unfortunately. I was phased out after declining nights out and other things due to being a parent. I had csesctions but was expected to be able to hit a night club and get pissed 6 days after having a baby. Random texts saying they were going through to Manchester last minute, train leaves in an hour can you come? I wasn’t making excuses because I had valid excuses and wasn’t able to please myself they could. Hard pill to swallow the shift in friendships once babies arrive on the scene.

Sorry I wasn't clear - i was referring to posters who seem to think that nobody outside of family should be interested in your kidsband the OP was unreasonable to expect it. I was not commenting on childfree people.

I agree with you that childfree friends can be amongst the most supportive and interested., even if I know from personal experience it can be really hard.

A great philosopher once said there are two only two things that only you appreciate being around:
Your own farts
Your own kids

Love aside, it’s very strange and rude to not send your best friend’s child a birthday card.

Agree you're not being realistic. I'm childfree by choice, and the only kids I really care about are my nieces and nephews, and that is to varying extents. I'm just not interested in my friends' children which surprises me actually. I think the sibling element makes for a much deeper bond.

Generally my friends' kids are the reason I don't see them as much anymore so maybe I low level resent them!

This.

Until I had a child myself I had ZERO interest in anybody else's children. I might ask how they were, but it would be at the same level of interest as "how's your photography business going" or "are you still enjoying playing football".

Rubbish! My nieces and nephew and children are some of the most important people in my life. And I adore some of my friends’ children.

I’m surprised by this thread. I love my close friend’s DC - they are such a massive part of her and her life that I would be doing a disservice to our friendship if I hadn’t made an effort to know them.

My friend jokingly calls me the wise one (I don’t think that’s warranted in any way!) Her DD7 has picked up on that so I get video messages on the way home from school telling me about the problem
of the day or asking for advice on a Brownie badge. (Her mum does this too but not usually about lunch box drama!).

We live a sea apart and I’m child free (not by choice) so it’s taken effort on both our parts in keep our friendship and to get to know the DC anywhere near properly.

Me to see past a screaming toddler, overwhelmed new mum stage or watching an episode Cocomelon or two to be able talk to a 3 year old, her to consciously to make an effort to ask about things in my life - even if it meant writing herself a note when the DC were tiny! I can honestly say I love my DFrice and DFriphew every bit as much as my DNeices.