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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friends / relatives that you thought would love your child - just have no interest…

207 replies

Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 11:27

Have you ever been in a position where you feel a little disappointed with close people in your life who you thought would adore your children, just have no interest at all to be in their life?

This situation has been playing on my mind on and off for a few years. One of my closest friends, as in each others maid of honour and went to school and uni together close. Has shown very little interest in my DC since about 2/3 weeks old. I don’t expect constant checking in, I don’t expect much. But they’ve only met my DC once or twice in 3 years and never ask to see them, don’t send a card or text on their birthday. Will ask generic “how’s so and so” out of politeness when we meet (in evenings so not with DC)

Ive noticed a shift in our friendship too

They are childfree by choice right now and want kids Iater on. Just in case anyone asks . No fertility issues or wanting babies yet,

I haven’t mentioned anything to her. And probably won’t. I also understand the whole your children aren’t as important to you as others etc, I think I’m just secretly deep down sad.

OP posts:
MyLittleNest · 30/04/2025 13:05

I have felt this completely. Both godparents were chosen (not married or connected) because they were so special to me and both haven't given DD a thought for her entire life. The godmother was my best friend and maid of honor, and now I never even hear from her in general. Godfather is a very close relative and really couldn't care less about DD even when he sees her. I don't think DD even knows she has godparents.

No other friends have ever cared, but I didn't really expect them to as I don't really take any special interest in my friend's children either--just my own. But it's the godparent thing that has always bothered me.

But yeah, even my own sibling doesn't really give a crap about DD. Let's his spouse buy the gifts, etc.

Spitalfieldrose · 30/04/2025 13:06

We moved 100 miles to be close to my in laws as they had always been so invested in SIL’s kids and DH mistakenly thought they would be in ours. They couldn’t have given less of a shit. DD is now in her 20s and has no relationship with them whatsoever. My parents adore her thankfully so she knows it’s not her.

BeautifulFacesAndLoudEmptyPlaces · 30/04/2025 13:06

She doesn’t sound like a very good friend OP, not just the lack of interest in your child but just making no effort in general.

I have a close group of friends, most of us have children but a couple don’t. We all take an interest in each others lives and children. I love my friends, I love their children and they love mine but that’s clearly weird on mumsnet. Our children have grown up together and are all very close and we’re like family. Actually better, as my family are a bit shit really.

I wouldn’t bother putting any more effort into this friendship if I was you. I don’t know how people expect to keep friends if they show so little interest in the things that matter to others.

Endofdaya · 30/04/2025 13:07

I don’t even love my niece or nephew. Fond of them, yes but that’s it. The only child I love is my own.

DaysEndConfused · 30/04/2025 13:08

Londonrach1 · 30/04/2025 11:29

Yabu. No one loves your child unless it's possiblity grandparents.

or some child free aunties like me,

Elisheva · 30/04/2025 13:16

I find Mumsnet so weird sometimes, people talk about children as though they are a separate species and not actual people in their own right who are worth spending time with and getting to know.
I am very interested in my friends’ kids. I know when their birthdays are, and probably where they are having their party and what presents they want as well. I know who is struggling at school and who is doing well, I know what their interests and hobbies are, and not just because my friends tell me but because I have conversations with the kids themselves.
i understand that not everyone is drawn to children, but to dismiss them as not worthy of your time because they’re ’just kids’ is so strange to me.
My child free friend is wonderful with my children. I think she loves them, they certainly adore her, and she enhances their lives so much.

MyLittleNest · 30/04/2025 13:18

To be more specific to your situation, I can see both sides. Your child is an enormous part of your life now so of course you want to share the details of your day and new family dynamic. To not feel like you can freely talk about this huge aspect of your life is a loss and would make it difficult to maintain the friendship.

Your friend is probably like most people, in that she really doesn't want to hear about someone else's child for more than a passing comment or two. I am a mother, but there is nothing worse than listening to another mother talk about their child without it being a back and forth conversation, truly. Since your friend doesn't have a child, she probably feels like she is more in the listening role rather than being able to engage on that particular topic.

That being said, I do think that she should show a bit more effort because it sounds like she is actively choosing to almost ignore the fact that you have a child, and that's taking it a bit far. I can't imagine not sending a gift for a birthday or Christmas to my best friend's baby, or asking how DC was at the start of each convo before shifting back to "adult" conversation. Feels a little hostile on her part and I don't think that the friendship will remain close if this all continues.

SallyWD · 30/04/2025 13:25

Like I said, only my friends who are really into children pay any attention to mine. I have other friends who never mention them and others, who I can tell only ask about them because they feel they have to. When I start talking about my kids, I see their eyes glaze over.
I quite like being able to talk about other stuff to be honest.
Some parents really do over-share. I have a Facebook friend who posts several times a day about her little boy, e.g. "My little Oscar has done a poo in the potty today. I'm such a proud mummy." The next day "Little Oscar didn't manage to poo in the potty today, he just missed it! Next time".
I think "OMG, no one wants to hear about your child pooing!". I know it's a huge deal to you when you're potty training but no one else cares!

Hwi · 30/04/2025 13:29

I have always been amazed at other people, including my dc godparents, showing interest in my dc. My dc are of interest to me and me only. Other people are interested in their own children. If they are not interested in their own children, they stay childless and have interests in other things, which are of interest to them. Other people's children are boring at best and annoying at worst. If you live wanting others to be interested in your children (including their teachers, coaches, doctors), you will be greatly disappointed. If you understand once and for all, that your children are only of interest to you and no-one else, and then discover anybody else giving half of a shit, you will be so grateful and amazed, that you will cheer up immediately.

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 30/04/2025 13:38

You were close friends because she enjoyed YOUR company. That does not automatically extend to liking children, just like it doesn’t automatically extend to liking each other’s partners. Many friendships change when one of the friends gets kids and the other remains a childless. Your priorities in life have changed. Hers haven’t. She might find you talk too much about your kids and on purpose not ask about them for that reason. She might just not be interested in your baby’s feeding /sleeping /milestones. Are you interested in her work, hobbies, anything else that you have zero affinity with?

MellowCritic · 30/04/2025 13:40

Londonrach1 · 30/04/2025 11:29

Yabu. No one loves your child unless it's possiblity grandparents.

Oh don't over cook this of course it's normal and common for friends and family to show love to your kids. Ops not asking for said friend to love them like she does or anything like this she's just surprised her very close mate ain't bothered to show any interest in her kids

user3879208717 · 30/04/2025 13:41

My MIL probably couldn’t pick her grandchildren out in a crowd OP, so could be worse!

Marmaladelade · 30/04/2025 13:48

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/04/2025 11:44

Were you interested in other people's children, before you had your own @Amiwrongamiright?

I think you're being unrealistic. Although your child is (rightly) the most important person in your life, in all honesty, nobody else is going to be particularly interested.

This!

Marmaladelade · 30/04/2025 13:51

You can’t know that!

KimberleyClark · 30/04/2025 13:53

Words · 30/04/2025 12:59

My view as happily child free: babies are boring, noisy and oddly repellent. Toddlers are noisy and supremely irritating. There is a golden Window between six and 11 if they havé been properly brought up.

Your friend probably feels similarly. Don't take it personally.

Yes, in the (increasingly short it seems) gap between nappies and attitude, they are great!

EndlessTreadmill · 30/04/2025 13:54

Lentilweaver · 30/04/2025 11:56

I must be really cruel because I am not really interested in my mates' kids. I don't keep track of their birthdays either. My kids take up enough space in my head. I also take an interest in my sibling's kids. That's all I have room for.
I wish them all well and would help in an emergency, but that's it.

Exactly that. No way on earth do I remember their birthdays.
And quite honestly, my friends and I always meet child free. It's impossible to have a decent and interesting conversation with children around.
I have a friend I have known from school, so known her 30 years. We have kids between 6 and 14. I think we have seen each others kids a maximum of twice in their whole lives (not even sure I've seen her 6 year old).I care about her, not her children. And even struggle to remember her birthday, so no chance for her kids!

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 13:54

AppleAng35 · 30/04/2025 12:19

I think the UK is not a particularly child-focussed culture. I grew up in another country and it was normal for my mum’s closest friends to interact with me when they visited, remember my birthday and give me a small gift etc.

I now do the same for my closest friends’ children and I do like and care about them and am interested in their lives. However in my wider circle and family nobody else gives a shit or makes any effort and I think it’s a bit sad. I don’t expect anything but it’s not really hard to put a date in your diary and send a quick birthday text, for example.

This is much nicer than the usual MN line of 'other people's kids are nothing to me' which is so insular. My dad's best friends used to shower my sister and I with gifts whenever we saw them (once a year at most). They cared about us because they loved my dad and would have been kind to any kids, I think. Come to think of it, they were French.

KimberleyClark · 30/04/2025 13:55

DaysEndConfused · 30/04/2025 13:08

or some child free aunties like me,

Show quote history

Yes, I love my nephew very much.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 30/04/2025 13:57

You'd hate me, I don't like any kids never mind love them

doubleactionlibertycollective · 30/04/2025 13:59

Not really. I have some friends who are really in my kids lives since they were born (mine are older) and some who probably haven't seen them since they were teeny. Both are fine and I have been the same with some of my friends kids.

Lentilweaver · 30/04/2025 14:00

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 13:54

This is much nicer than the usual MN line of 'other people's kids are nothing to me' which is so insular. My dad's best friends used to shower my sister and I with gifts whenever we saw them (once a year at most). They cared about us because they loved my dad and would have been kind to any kids, I think. Come to think of it, they were French.

Show quote history

I am Indian, which is the most child-centred culture in the world, but I must be an anomaly totally lacking in empathy and kindness, I guess.

Hmm.. just realised at least 3 of my close friends are child-free.😀this is clearly why I love them.

LakieLady · 30/04/2025 14:01

I'm childfree by choice and one of the reasons for that is that I find babies and small children really rather dull. I only really like older children, once they're capable of a half-sensible conversation. Maybe your friends are the same.

treesandsun · 30/04/2025 14:02

"But she’s shown no effort or interest " because she is not interested. Most people aren't that interested in other peoples kids. When me and friends had kids of a similar age and saw each other regularly - I was more interested in their kids as I got to know them but in the main I am not interested in other peoples kids (and now grandkids

Wednesdaysotherchild · 30/04/2025 14:03

Yup, my mother. First, probably only, grandchild due to age & fertility struggles - she claims to love children/babies - not much effort - she’s seen him about 5 times in 4 months and when she does she just wants to talk about herself, doesn’t ask how me or him are doing…barely speaks to him. Only cares that she gets a smile from him
as it “cheers her up”. Never offered any help. She spends all her time in a cafe down the road from where we live (has for years).

MidnightPatrol · 30/04/2025 14:03

I have been impressed by quite how spectacularly disinterested my siblings have been.

I don’t think they’ve ever asked after them, and other then when they were born have never visited.

I don’t let it bother me, it just is what it is. I am more bothered that they probably see me less now I’ve had kids, as I (assume I) cramp their style.