Close friends / relatives that you thought would love your child - just have no interest…

[Amiwrongamiright]

Have you ever been in a position where you feel a little disappointed with close people in your life who you thought would adore your children, just have no interest at all to be in their life?

This situation has been playing on my mind on and off for a few years. One of my closest friends, as in each others maid of honour and went to school and uni together close. Has shown very little interest in my DC since about 2/3 weeks old. I don’t expect constant checking in, I don’t expect much. But they’ve only met my DC once or twice in 3 years and never ask to see them, don’t send a card or text on their birthday. Will ask generic “how’s so and so” out of politeness when we meet (in evenings so not with DC)

Ive noticed a shift in our friendship too

They are childfree by choice right now and want kids Iater on. Just in case anyone asks . No fertility issues or wanting babies yet,

I haven’t mentioned anything to her. And probably won’t. I also understand the whole your children aren’t as important to you as others etc, I think I’m just secretly deep down sad.

Being the childless/child-free (even if just for now) friend is a really hard line to walk. Everyone is different and it is so, so hard to strike the balance between being interested and overwhelming a friend, between being interested and making someone feel like they’ve lost their own separate personality.

I have friends who’ve disappeared into their own baby bubble, are loving it and just want to be left alone to enjoy it. I have others who would love more visits from friends and family and feel they’ve been forgotten about. I have friends who want to talk endlessly about the minutiae of parenting and others who get the hump if you ask one too many questions because they’ve had enough of it all and just want adult conversation about adult things. And sometimes, at different times they’re all the same friend.

You’ve gone from being part of the same world to being part of a different world we aren’t and might never be part of (intentionally or otherwise). Cut us some slack and please tell us what you need/want. We aren’t mind readers.

I think though, with friends and family, part of being close is expressing interest in what they care about.

I didn't realise so many people cared so little about their friends' children! I love my niece and nephew totally and I care a huge amount about my friends' children. A DD of a friend is started GCSEs soon. I've known her since she was a tiny toddler and apart from being amazed that she's now so big, I am so nervous for her and am hoping with all my might that she does well. I buy presents for all my friends' kids and I want to hear regular updates on what they're doing.They're a huge part of my friends' lives - that's why I am interested. Do people just talk to their friends about jobs and world events and such and not mention kids? I'd find that really odd. Even my childfree friend asks regularly about my kids.

I think it depends on the type of person. I personally love my friends children. We have all known each other 25 years now and have recently started having children in the last two years. When I found out they were pregnant, I could not stop shopping for their babies, even now! Now that I am expecting, they make all of the effort, buying me things and constantly asking about how baby is developing and counting down the days until baby arrives! Our children will no doubt grow up like cousins. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I would be absolutely gutted if my best friends didn't show any interest in my children.

God, there are some miserable people on this thread! Including some who don't seem to even love their own nieces and nephews!

I do care about my friends' children, very much (only two of my friends have children, with each other). Those friends are also very caring towards my daughter, as are some other friends.

A couple of my friends are child-free and planning to stay that way- they aren't massively interested in my daughter, which doesn't offend me at all, but they will still ask after her and remember her birthday.

That's very sad. I'm guessing she was tricky as a mother?

It's a running joke with one of my friends that I always ask after her dogs (and demand pictures of them) but never her kids. I always take treats for the dogs when I visit, too! (I'm a dog-lover who can't own one because of other circumstances.)

My dad hasn't seen me or my son in over 3 years, my son is vaguely aware he has a grandad but doesn't know what he looks like. I have been pretty heartbroken about it as it shows he really doesn't give a shit about either of us. I have tried to make plans to see him but he generally finds an excuse to cancel so I've stopped trying

This is bloody rich. Every child-free person I know has asked more polite questions and had more polite conversations about Other People's Children than we've ever been asked about our passions and interests and lives by parents in the baby bubble. Self-centred? Look inwards.

My own DC and my nieces and nephews
Other than that I am not especially interested in other people’s DC

Honestly.

Best will in the world, I'm not really arsed.

This doesn't stop me caring about my friends. Kids are an add on but I'm not particularly interested in the kids.

From the majority of the comments on this thread I think I'm an outlier. I've always been interested in how my sibling's and close friend's kids are getting on. I've always thought about family in terms of tribes - if I love you or care about you, I care about what you care about and that includes your kids etc

Having said that, I do think we're encouraged by the current discourse/ zeitgeist around parenting to see children as a bit of an unnecessary indulgence and therefore the sole responsibility of their parents in terms of finances and emotional support. The idea that children are purely a lifestyle choice (rather than a biological imperative that can be overridden by personal choice) is probably at the root of this indifference 🤷

I'm really interested in my friends' kids and want to know how they're doing. Obviously as with grown ups, you gel more with some kids than others, but apart from anything else it's faschinating seeing a person grow up and what they become. I think some people are simply not that interested in other people, I wouldn't waste time being cross with them about it. My Mum is just not that interested in my kids (her only grandkids), she is nice to them but especially my DD, she more or less ignores. I've no idea why as I am really looking forward to having grandkids and spoiling them, and it's not just because she's old as she never wanted to be hands on with them.

Believe me this is just a stage in your life and you’re rightly infatuated with your child. Most people with children feel that way. But to others it’s different. And children can be boring - especially other people’s. Accept your friends won’t feel the way you want them to - when your children are older and fly the nest you’ll come to rely on your friends again.

I think it goes part way to explain why so many mumsnetters don’t have friends or have so many issues in their friendships. Peoples children are such huge parts of their lives, that if you take no interest in the children of friends, that’s a large part of their lives you’re just dismissing. It’s strange to me. I spend a lot of time with my friends without our children, but I don’t know how our friendships could have lasted 25 years without being interested in each others children. I have acquaintances that I’m not involved with their children, but they’re not close friendships.

My daughter and 2 of my friends sons are also starting their GCSEs in a couple of weeks. They’ve all been studying together and we’re all rooting for them all. I’m glad my friendships are like they are, I don’t fancy the sort of relationships that mumsnetters describe as friendships.

Eta, there are definitely some people here who seem to like saying how much they are not interested in other people’s children and how boring they are, it’s been commented on before, often the same usernames. A whole demographic that are ‘boring’… lol. It’s like the people saying this think they’re edgy or something.

I absolutely think children are a lifestyle choice.

Sure, it's a lifestyle choice parents feel an urge for. Same as any hobby really. I am drawn to art and music, therefore I spend time and money on art and music - that's my lifestyle choice. Parents, I presume, are drawn to raising children, and that's what they spent time and money on. It's a hobby. I don't mean that in a derogatory way - I think hobbies, or at least pursuing things you're passionate about, are the point of life.

I don't require my friends to be interested in my passions though! (But most of them are as that's how I met a lot of my friends...)

Before I had kids I just didn't really like kids at all. Now I have children I am also more interested in other peoples kids so it might change over time.

I think that’s perfectly normal.

My brother. We had regular contact and saw each other twice yearly before my 3 DC were born. Eldest DC is now 19 and he has never met them. He cut all contact. He has never sent them a birthday or christmas card. When asked why he says he just has no interest in children. He has not attended family events since DC were born.

Your children are the most beautiful, intelligent, funny and endearing to have ever existed, TO YOU. Most other people couldn't really care less.

There’s interest and there’s interest, though. OP’s thread title suggests she thinks her friends should love her children?? That just seems naive to me.

Also (and I’m not necessarily accusing OP or pps of this, it’s a general comment) some people reach a point where they’re incapable of talking about anything except their children. It’s hard not to lose a bit of interest when that happens.

I have DC so not child free and have no interest in/ care about other friends kids except ‘how’s so and so doing’. In the moments I get adult time last thing I want to do is talk about kids or even worse, hang out w them.

I am also not really very invested in other people’s children and I love being a mum and very invested in my own children. I have nieces and nephews which I confess I do not love the same as my own kids I don’t know why, I do love them and I spend time with them but it’s just not the same feeling. My friends didn’t show that much interest in my kids and nowadays it’s just that we get together and kids are present but it’s not the sole reason for seeing one another

I do like some of my children’s friends, one in particular I really care about and make a lot of effort for her

before i had children i was the cool aunt. i was the go too for baby sitting, i was the one who was asked for the expensive birthday presents, i was the one that took them out for lunches, the park all the stuff a single cool aunt would do.

i assumed, when it was my time to have children my siblings would be there to support me. nope! my DD's wouldn't know their aunts if they fell over them in the street!

Are you saying that aunts or uncles don’t love their nieces and nephews? Some people have a very sad view on life.