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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friends / relatives that you thought would love your child - just have no interest…

207 replies

Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 11:27

Have you ever been in a position where you feel a little disappointed with close people in your life who you thought would adore your children, just have no interest at all to be in their life?

This situation has been playing on my mind on and off for a few years. One of my closest friends, as in each others maid of honour and went to school and uni together close. Has shown very little interest in my DC since about 2/3 weeks old. I don’t expect constant checking in, I don’t expect much. But they’ve only met my DC once or twice in 3 years and never ask to see them, don’t send a card or text on their birthday. Will ask generic “how’s so and so” out of politeness when we meet (in evenings so not with DC)

Ive noticed a shift in our friendship too

They are childfree by choice right now and want kids Iater on. Just in case anyone asks . No fertility issues or wanting babies yet,

I haven’t mentioned anything to her. And probably won’t. I also understand the whole your children aren’t as important to you as others etc, I think I’m just secretly deep down sad.

OP posts:
Hellzbellz25 · 30/04/2025 12:16

I thought I would absolutely adore my cousins child as she is one of my best friends, but honestly we just don’t click and I find him a bit strange. It’s like any human relationship you can either click or not - on the other hand I have friends kids who I would do anything for

Supersimkin7 · 30/04/2025 12:17

It’s not normal to care in detail about Other People’s Children.

Or to expect it. Why do you think it bothers you?

MumofSpud · 30/04/2025 12:18

My parents aren’t interested in their Great Grandchild- if they see her then it’s because she’s at my house, they will not initiate visits / calls / texts (to parents) she’s only little.
At Christmas / birthdays they will give me her present so I give it to her.
It’s v strange (and sad).
Her mum (my DinL) used to really try but has given up and I don’t blame her.

AppleAng35 · 30/04/2025 12:19

I think the UK is not a particularly child-focussed culture. I grew up in another country and it was normal for my mum’s closest friends to interact with me when they visited, remember my birthday and give me a small gift etc.

I now do the same for my closest friends’ children and I do like and care about them and am interested in their lives. However in my wider circle and family nobody else gives a shit or makes any effort and I think it’s a bit sad. I don’t expect anything but it’s not really hard to put a date in your diary and send a quick birthday text, for example.

thesurrealist · 30/04/2025 12:19

Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 11:31

Not sure if there is a way for mumsnet to change the wording to care about rather than love as I don’t want 100 comments picking my wording apart

I don't care about my friend's children either. Not even close friends. I may enquire out of politeness, but not interested really. Sorry.

BethDuttonYeHaw · 30/04/2025 12:21

I’m completely uninterested in other peoples children. I love my own.

most people are the same.

I think your expectations are unrealistic

TammyJones · 30/04/2025 12:21

SueSuddio · 30/04/2025 11:57

Yes absolutely. I can think of several! It surprised me, I thought our kids would be an extension of us to friends / family but actually they can be a barrier!

However, I've been that disinterested childless friend in the past so I just remind myself of that fact!

This is very telling.
Friendship should be 50 - 50
Id pull back a bit and see how long it is before she reaches out.
That will tell you all you need to know
it seems very one side , so your children won’t be given a second thought.

LoveWine123 · 30/04/2025 12:21

Most children are boring and people generally don’t care about other people’s kids. Especially people who don’t have kids themselves. Your expectations of your friend are too high.

Original poster
Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 12:22

nomas · 30/04/2025 12:13

Isn’t the real issue that this friend no longer makes any effort with you?

You say you make 90% of the effort. So pull back and let her make the effort. If she suggests meeting up, telling her you’d love to and ask her to suggest some dates.

Basically put the ball in her court.

And yes, when she has kids, make sure you show zero interest in them.

Potentially. To be honest there was a huge shift in our friendship after my DC was born and I partly think that’s why I’ve been feeling a bit down. She’s actually a nursery / year 1 assistant so it’s not the disinterest in kids. Some people have commented fertility issues but I KNOW it’s not that. I almost feel like it’s different paths. But I’ve seemed to be fine with all of my other friends who don’t want children. They do 50-50 effort for me. They’ll come over and see me at home with DC but we’ll also meet up in the evenings for dinners and wine.

I haven’t become boring, I don’t talk about DC all the time, in fact I love the fact when I see friends without kids I don’t have to chat about kids all evening,

OP posts:
TammyJones · 30/04/2025 12:23

@SueSuddio
sorry that relay was meant for the op.
My phone dud something weird

Aozora13 · 30/04/2025 12:23

I’ve found since having kids that some people are more kiddie/family focused than others, and that’s fine. Some of my friends take an active interest in my DC, remember their birthdays, want to spend time with them etc. Mostly they are parents themselves, but not exclusively. I’m like this with my closest friends DC (and especially my godson). Then I have my childfree friends who ask politely after my DC like you might ask about someone’s job, and some of them (but not all) can even remember the names of my 3 DC. The only one that hurts is a former very close friend who started backing away once I had DC, was less than congratulatory when I told her I was pregnant with DC2 then totally ditched me when I developed a chronic illness.

shootingstar001 · 30/04/2025 12:23

I can see both sides of this - I'm childfree by choice. I do make a huge effort with my closest friends kid and send her Christmas and Birthday presents etc. I love my friend (and her little girl is such a lovely child) so it's important to me to make her feel like I'm engaged and interested in the most important person in her world. It does take a lot of effort tho if you are not a parent.

I do find it more difficult with other friends that are parents - even if it's not conscious often they only chat about their life / the kid and never ask anything about my life. I have consciously stop bothering with a few friends who basically only talk about their kid and every meet-up is engineered around their setup as a parent.

In the last couple of years I've renovated a really interesting property with my partner - that's what has been the big thing in my world. It's not a child no, but it is what is going on with me and a real passion project. It is staggering how many friends have not asked me a single question about that but I've patiently sat through every chat about nursery / things they've babbled / favourite nappies etc and asked engaged questions about their child.

It's good to step back sometimes if you are parent and consider if every chat winds it way back to your child/parenthood. It can get a little dry for non-parents.

TammyJones · 30/04/2025 12:24

LoveWine123 · 30/04/2025 12:21

Most children are boring and people generally don’t care about other people’s kids. Especially people who don’t have kids themselves. Your expectations of your friend are too high.

This was me
Before I had kids I found baby talking very boring.
And once a new mum got on a roll …there was literally no end it

Lavenderflower · 30/04/2025 12:26

I think would be odd too much interest someone else children who your not biological related unless you are a god parent or have children. I feel uncomfortable if my friends were too interested in my children.

Lentilweaver · 30/04/2025 12:26

If she is a nursery assistant than surely she has had enough of kids!

Commonsense22 · 30/04/2025 12:27

I understand you OP. I am grateful fir a whole circle of friends who love our children and are part of our village. Friends of all ages and relationship statuses.
And I have always tried to be part of the village for other children, even long before I had my own and despite feeling some degree of jealousy.

We live in such an awful obsessively self-centred culture.

LeavesTrees · 30/04/2025 12:28

I have thought similarly to you in the past, but actually when I think of other peoples children I often find them pretty annoying or I’m indifferent to them, so it’s unreasonable of me to think my children should be thought of any differently.

I think we all think our children are special, but the reality is they are only special to us. We think of them 24/7, but friends without children often just see them as blocking their social life with you!

Away2000 · 30/04/2025 12:28

I think that’s normal. I like my friends therefore I like their children as that’s a big part of their life but I don’t particularly want to spend time with them. I only have one friend that is very close and involved with my child and that’s probably due to them wanting/not being able to have their own child and they were invited to be a part of their life from the beginning (there for the birth, visited them frequently when I was on maternity leave etc).

excitedforthat · 30/04/2025 12:29

I’ve noticed this from some friends too. I think some people are just a lot more guarded, they see children as simple a small person that they don’t really know, so they’re not willing to really put in a huge effort when they wouldn’t with an adult type thing.
I agree it can be upsetting if you had expectations of someone and they won’t meet then, it can leave you feeling disappointed, yet this is just how it is.

KimberleyClark · 30/04/2025 12:30

Commonsense22 · 30/04/2025 12:27

I understand you OP. I am grateful fir a whole circle of friends who love our children and are part of our village. Friends of all ages and relationship statuses.
And I have always tried to be part of the village for other children, even long before I had my own and despite feeling some degree of jealousy.

We live in such an awful obsessively self-centred culture.

Parents can be as self obsessed - or obsessed with their own lives - as anyone ime.

Original poster
Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 12:30

My post has made me realise my friend just lacks and interest in my life in general and it’s probably not to do with my DC. I have made 90% of the effort now for a while and I think I need to step back

OP posts:
TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 30/04/2025 12:30

Lentilweaver · 30/04/2025 12:26

If she is a nursery assistant than surely she has had enough of kids!

Yes! My son's keyworker is fantastic with him, he's bouncing in his pram if we see her out and about - and I give her a friendly smile and steer him firmly away. She mouthed "thank you" once.

It's a world of difference having a professional interest in kids you see daily than socially.

shootingstar001 · 30/04/2025 12:32

Just to add to my point sometimes the interest isn't there because peoples kids can be a PITA!

My nieces who by rights I should be more interested in than my friends kid are little s*s because their parents won't to tell them off/parent them properly so I do find it hard to feign interest to be honest. They are so stressful to be around that I dread it.

WhatMe123 · 30/04/2025 12:32

Sorry nope. Best friends kids.....I'll be nice but I wouldn't say I have feelings for them, I k lh care for my own kids and my niece and nephew tbh

Blobbitymacblob · 30/04/2025 12:35

I was disappointed too, op, but being a little older and wiser now, I think disinterest is the norm, and judging by history, always was.

Even the relatives who do love my dc, are visitors - all in for a few hours at a time, and then disappear.

It’s incredibly important to be able to provide for a child, even beyond your own death. I don’t think we talk enough about the responsibility of having children, and the reality of relationships.

The ability to plan and choose are so recent that we haven’t developed social wisdom, and between that and ridiculous Hollywood stereotypes about enduring friendships, most of us go into it all a bit clueless.