Close friends / relatives that you thought would love your child - just have no interest…

[Amiwrongamiright]

Have you ever been in a position where you feel a little disappointed with close people in your life who you thought would adore your children, just have no interest at all to be in their life?

This situation has been playing on my mind on and off for a few years. One of my closest friends, as in each others maid of honour and went to school and uni together close. Has shown very little interest in my DC since about 2/3 weeks old. I don’t expect constant checking in, I don’t expect much. But they’ve only met my DC once or twice in 3 years and never ask to see them, don’t send a card or text on their birthday. Will ask generic “how’s so and so” out of politeness when we meet (in evenings so not with DC)

Ive noticed a shift in our friendship too

They are childfree by choice right now and want kids Iater on. Just in case anyone asks . No fertility issues or wanting babies yet,

I haven’t mentioned anything to her. And probably won’t. I also understand the whole your children aren’t as important to you as others etc, I think I’m just secretly deep down sad.

Some people aren’t arsed about children, me included. If they had a cat I would coo over it and be excited to see it but a baby, no.

My dsis couldn't care less about my dc..unless she wants to show off what a great aunty she is on fb 🙄 It's very hurtful but unfortunately there's not much you can do about it. Maybe it's time to cut her out of your life?she sounds like an uncaring person and it's unfair that you make most of the effort 💔

I see what you mean OP. I don’t massively care about other people’s kids in general, but I do care about my close friends and hence take an interest in their children, make a note of birthdays, ask how they’re doing etc. It’s all part of being a good friend, and would hope for my friends to likewise take an interest in things which are important to me, be it my children or anything else.

I was probably like your friend before I became a parent myself. I wasn’t at all interested in my best friend’s children, and I did the bare minimum towards them to be polite. But I didn’t really want to see them and wasn’t that interested in how they were doing (beyond of course not wanting anything bad to happen to them). Once I became a parent myself, I realised how meaningful it was to have friends want to meet my child and express interest in them. I regret not pretending to be more interested in my friends’ kids earlier, and I would fake it more if I could go back and do it again because I see how much it can mean to the parent.

Other peoples kids are boring. Listening to adults constantly talking about their kids is boring.

My friends having kids has only ever been a barrier to our friendship, it’s never been beneficial. They always just disappear off the radar and become almost impossible to see. I’m always disappointed when a friend is pregnant I’m afraid, as it will mean that’s another one about to disappear.

Then there’s not much else you can do. Leave a door open for her but don’t prop up the friendship anymore.

I agree with this. Unless someone is into babies and little kids anyway and have that way with them, then there's not much to be interested in for other people. Even when mine were little and I was more interested in the day-to-day stuff of child development, I still didn't even especially like my friends' DCs tbh. The things that you look past with your own - stinky nappies, snotty noses, crying - are still off-putting in other kids. I'd care if they got hurt ofc and I wish them well, but they wouldn't be on my mind to actively care about let alone 'adore'. Much prefer (some of) them now they're older and their personality comes out and they can be witty and interesting. Others have turned out to be not so nice, for me at least, and that's fair enough. You only have blanket love for your own and maybe close relations, if you are genuinely close. Others are their own people and most of us aren't so objectively loveable.

I think this is the right call. Concentrate on those who do make an effort with you.

I like babies so I’m always interested when a friend has one and will visit, send gifts etc. But of course this isn’t the case for everyone and I have many friends who show zero interest in my DC beyond politely asking how they are. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest as our friendship isn’t predicated on how much they care about them. It sounds as if your friendship itself has changed though. Strong friendships should be able to ‘survive’ changes such as parenthood - they may weaken a bit when one friend is in the trenches of those early years but hopefully resume and recover as the DC get older.

I will say that as the mum of 9 and 11 year old, I do zone out a bit when my two close friends with toddlers start talking about potty training, nursery dramas etc. We went out for dinner the other evening and they talked non stop about the incredibly cute and wonderful things the 2 years old are saying and doing
I know I was the same when mine were little but it’s quite dull to listen to. All of that stuff is so far behind me I can barely muster any interest even though I do like their adorable DC.

Your expectations are unreasonable. Just because you're friends doesn't mean she will be strongly attached to or be interested in your baby. You're also at very different stages in your lives since you have a child and she doesn't. Moms of young children tend to have their lives center around their children and you possibly expected her to have some of that focus.

Not true

Am very close to my great nieces and nephews (and their parents)

If you both have young children of similar ages then there is an incentive to be involved with each other's children because you can have mutually beneficial reciprocal caring arrangements.
If one party has children and the other doesn't then there's very little incentive 🤷🏻‍♀️
Grandparents/close relatives might take an interest in your children but underlying that will be an expectation of care and support from the children when they are older in the future.

OP I agree with you but I think we’re in the minority, I was the last of my friends to have children and before I had mine I made a special effort with my friend’s children, I’d go round and visit so I didn’t put my friends out, I’d remember their birthdays and engage with them when I visited and always took them little things when I saw them, as well as checking in on my friends to see how they were doing and if they needed anything. Unfortunately I didn’t get the same back when mine was born (perhaps my friends were just over the baby stage by then) and judging by so many of the replies you’ve had, it seems people are more likely to just be indifferent which I find sad. Curious to know if any of the posters who have actively said they wouldn’t give a shit are part of the “children need a village” brigade!

I'm a childfree woman, childfree by choice. I've lost count of the number of friends who seem to think that because I don't have my own children I ought to be desperate to be involved with theirs/ send gifts and cards and generally behave like they expect their close family to behave.

My brother and his wife would probably say I show no interest in their offspring but tbh its because they (the adults) are intolerable and have become more so since having kids.

Bit sad to hear no one loves their friends/families kids though. I would definitely say that I love/care for my mates’ kids as much as I do the friend themselves.

I agree with lots of previous comments, but I'm also going to put out a (less generous) option. I'm childfree by choice, maybe a bit of a fence-sitter in that I'm leaving the option open but will probably not have kids. Despite the lack of trying or (known) fertility issues I still find it difficult when a friend announces a pregnancy. Things change, they're more focused on family and less available for socialising, you inevitably have less in common. It's not an attractive part of my personality and I'd rarely admit it outwith an anonymous forum, but my initial reaction to a pregnancy announcement is 'oh not again'. So maybe she feels like that, in which case you'd both be right to pull back a bit.

I'm child free by choice but of an age where my closest friends mostly all small children. I don't consider it much effort or concession to remember their birthdays and will always send a card or a small gift though will say I don't have lots of close friends so presumably this is much easier when the numbers are few. It's not really about the children, it's the fact I love and care for my friend and it's fairly evident that having a baby or children is now a very significant part of her life and I want to try and show that I'm conscious of that.

I have no particular emotional feelings towards the children other than obviously I care for their welfare (eg would of course be worried if one became very unwell or similar).I'm happy to be sent pictures and often ask for them because I want to demonstrate an interest in my friends life with her family. I often ask if she would like to go out together somewhere with the kids and am more than happy to do it that even if it's not something I'd otherwise choose to be doing. She has kids now, this is a large portion of her life, my feeling is that I want to support her and I want to retain a good friendship as I hope she would if something in my life changed - love the kids like my own though, no.

Maybe i am the outlier because i always send my close friends children birthday cards and presents and genuinley enjoy seeing photos of them and my friends do the same to mine

I have 4 children, but I have 0 interest in anyone else's. I don't think to ask about other people's children for the most part. Unless they've got something specific (first day at school, operation etc) going on. At work, we talk about kids as a way to pass the time I guess, but in terms of friends I text regularly, not so much.

My children are teenagers now and I haven't been surprised by anyone's reaction to them. I have friends/family who love kids in general, love playing with them etc. and predictably these are the friends/family that still take an interest in my rapidly growing children, still send them presents, still ask about them.
Conversely, I have friends/family who just aren't into kids and these are the ones who've never been that interested in mine. It's fine with me.

My view as happily child free: babies are boring, noisy and oddly repellent. Toddlers are noisy and supremely irritating. There is a golden Window between six and 11 if they havé been properly brought up.

Your friend probably feels similarly. Don't take it personally.

I have 2 children and am quite a mother hen type. I have absolutely zero interest in friends or family member’s children. 😂 Like we have good friends, Dh was best man in their wedding. Their second child is 18 months old and I completely forgot he even existed the other day. Had to ask Dh if he remembered his name because I truly didn’t remember. I would always be welcoming and friendly if we have them over and I would feed them well, and if one was about to get hit by a bus, I’d save them. But I don’t have much more interest than that. Other people’s children are a bit boring and annoying, but I do care about my friends and that’s where my interest lies really.

Other peoples kids are boring as hell. I don’t give a shite if my friends grandkid got a gold star for painting a picture, or running faster than the other 30 equally boring kids in their class. I’ll just nod politely and mutter something about being suitably impressed, then completely forget about it five minutes later.

Of course, my grandchildren, are undoubtedly the most beautiful, talented, accomplished and intelligent kids in the world. Oddly enough, my friends just can’t see this, and seem to think they are just normal kids like theirs. One even looked bored when I showed her the video of my granddaughter counting to ten for about the fifteenth time. Honestly, some people!

Children are hard work, in order to be a good successful parent you need to be patient calm and selfless.
Children place an enormous cost and burden on those who care for them but without children there is no ongoing society, no one to start the services and businesses etc. Society as a whole benefits from the production of new humans but the parents bear by far the greater part of the cost.