Close friends / relatives that you thought would love your child - just have no interest…

[Amiwrongamiright]

Have you ever been in a position where you feel a little disappointed with close people in your life who you thought would adore your children, just have no interest at all to be in their life?

This situation has been playing on my mind on and off for a few years. One of my closest friends, as in each others maid of honour and went to school and uni together close. Has shown very little interest in my DC since about 2/3 weeks old. I don’t expect constant checking in, I don’t expect much. But they’ve only met my DC once or twice in 3 years and never ask to see them, don’t send a card or text on their birthday. Will ask generic “how’s so and so” out of politeness when we meet (in evenings so not with DC)

Ive noticed a shift in our friendship too

They are childfree by choice right now and want kids Iater on. Just in case anyone asks . No fertility issues or wanting babies yet,

I haven’t mentioned anything to her. And probably won’t. I also understand the whole your children aren’t as important to you as others etc, I think I’m just secretly deep down sad.

It really doesn’t. I have lots of friends, childfree and parents, and I think it’s pretty unusual to be that interested in other people’s children. Sure, they’re a large part of your life if you’re a parent and they’re still young, but I find it’s much better for friendships to be realistic about how much anyone else really wants a blow-by-blow account of Jimmy’s SATs or Lavinia’s Duke of Edinburgh hike backpack.

Don't get me wrong, I wish them well, remember my godson’s birthday, and am interested insofar as their welfare concerns my friends.

I’m the only one in my family of five with a child, and no, I don’t think for one moment that my siblings do ‘love’ DS. They like him and are interested in how he’s getting on, but love is a very tall claim.

I know what you mean, @Amiwrongamiright

You're not wrong to feel this way. You went through an enormous life change and it hasn't been acknowledged.

It's like the feeling people get when they lose their parent or sibling and all they get from people they thought they were close to is ... crickets.

Your friend is either socially awkward to a ridiculous degree, or has some feelings that she hasn't addressed, to do with you being a mother.

Sometimes women withdraw a bit from female friends who have had a baby, as if maternity is some sort of contagious virus or quicksand that they would get sucked into if they became too interested in it. The babies of friends can be seen as a trap or a threat by some women who have made inflexible plans around the timing of their own motherhood. This might be happening here too.

Agree.

I love my sibling's child like my own, and that feeling is reciprocated by my sibling. That child carries 50% of my sibling's DNA, a tangible link to our family of origin.

I love my cousins too. I'm surprised people are so cut and dried about family. It's very sad and a reflection of a disintegration of society. It's not even Margaret Thatcher's, "There's no such thing as society". It's much worse - it seems there's now no such thing as family either.

I dont think most posters have said they dont love their nieces or nephews. I do.

I do love my nieces and nephews but it’s not the same love as my DC. My own DC love is very powerful and constant ever presence, I think about them all the time, on my mind, include them in a lot of my thoughts, I miss them, wonder about them, worry about them etc.

my niece and nephew love is a warm fondness and enjoyment of seeing little people grow up and seeing their parents enjoy what I got to enjoy with my own DC.

Yes my mum and dad who are their only grandparents once they started secondary school they was the end of their interest , although I should have seen it coming as they did the same to me

My best friend was first to have a child when we were mid twenties - rest of us waited until 30s. Honestly I was probably a crap friend as literally had zero interest in her child. Honestly haven’t really that much interest in any of the kids now! Nice to see updated how they are getting on etc but honestly when I see my friends other than a quick update on kids we don’t really talk about them! I don’t love any of them . Only kids I love other than mine are my nephews

I could not have children of my own and there was no sign of DB having any either until he suddenly met someone and became a dad at the age of 50. So having a nephew is a wonderful bonus.

I was also the first of my friends to have children and had the same experience.
Years later I have great freedom not having to carry that extra mental load. We are still friends but it’s a child free zone, except for the big stuff.

I have adult dc and I find small children really boring and irritating.

Your child is the centre of your world. That doesn’t mean everybody else shares the same view.

People who have their own children don’t generally care that much about other people’s kids (past polite chit chat etc) so considering she’s childfree by choice of course she isn’t showing much interest.

Youre expecting too much.

Its not unreasonable to expect close friends to send bday cards etc. My eldest is 31 and my 3 close ex school mates all still send him a card. I do the same for their children. No I don’t love them, but I care about them. Friends closer to my eldest than I am to theirs as he was born when we were all 16, so they had much more involvement than usual I guess. But they still send cards to my other 2 DC.

I have children and no I don't expect my friends to take an interest in my kids, I take minimal interest on theirs.

I find some of my friends kids a pain in the ass because they keep shoving them into our meet ups or get together over wine. I have no interest at all in them. I will be polite but I'm not going to gush

Thanks, I’ve said this in a previous comment but I think I’ve realised my friend has distanced herself from me and has a general lack of interest in me for whatever reason.

The some reason may be your kid. Before I had a DC I had no concept of working around nap schedule, how tired a parent may be to go for a dinner at 8pm, etc so I distanced myself from my friends with kids as I couldn’t (and didn’t want to as I only had so much time after a demanding work day) relate to them any more.

Mine is below 10yrs old and I find 5 yr olds and younger irritating. Can’t imagine if I hadn’t had a small child for yrs to want to put up with any of it 🤣

I'm surprised by some of the responses. I'm particularly fond of some children of my friends. I send cards, present and money to around 7 children. In my circle it's the done thing. I even (shock) love some of them, like nieces and nephews.

I'm not sure that the propagation of the species sits in the same category as stamp collecting or calligraphy 😄

The thing is, the only reason there is music and art and all these other amazing (and worthwhile) activities is because humans exist to create them. You have every right to choose not to have kids and dedicate your life to these things or any other 'hobby', profession or cause and that's a completely legitimate choice but you only exist because your parents didn't make that choice.

So having children is not the same as any other lifestyle choice - it's a fundamental to a functioning society which all other choices flow from Everything you enjoy doing as a childfree person, or I do as a parent, is only possible because we and other humans exist - someone needed to do the reproductive labour to achieve this.

Before anyone says it - this doesn't mean that I think anyone has children altruistically - it's always a personal and self-centered decision on an individual level - but on a societal level it is a necessary one. There's no getting away from the fact that society needs to be set up in a way that encourages the majority of females to want to have a couple of kids in order to keep the population stable and society functioning. When something is this necessary and fundamental to humanity's survival it can't fit into the same category as a hobby.

(Having said all that, I completely respect the decision not to have kids, for whatever reason and I'm thankful we live in a society where women get to choose, fertility issues aside).

When a friend has a child I'm extra concerned about how her: how she's finding motherhood, is she well, is she worried, is she happy. I'm delighted to meet a new baby and it's quite nice to see the children as they grow. I hope very much that they are healthy and content, but I can't honestly say I love them.
But in your case OP I think it's more that your friendship with this woman has faded to something more like acquaintanceship. If you're bothered about someone, you are bothered about the big events in their life.

Have you been available to her as a friend without your child?

As a child free person it can become very frustrating when you’re constantly trying to make plans with a friend and they bring along their child every time or that they become flaky and cancel a lot using the child as a reason. Also you may be talking about your child alot every time you meet up and she finds that she can’t get conversation out of you about anything else?

It may sound harsh but as a child free person that’s a real perspective and reality so could be a reason.

This is so true!

100% agree. It also accounts for the loneliness epidemic amongst elderly people.

I have a really good friend with two small grandchildren, 4 and 2 and one on the way. When the children are at my friend's house I don't go. I wish them nothing but good things but they aren't mine so there's no link.
Small children are noisy and disruptive (again, I mean no harm) if they're yours and you love them, brilliant. I don't want to play with small children, neither does your friend. She's not in the zone at the moment.

The only reason war, torture, oppression and the overall pillage of the planet exist is because humans exist as well. I'm neutral at best on the propagation of the species and in humanity's survival and certainly have no emotional investment in it. And as you admit, not a single parent has kids altruistically anyway.

I believe in society, and I believe the societal priority is what exists here and now. If the "societal level" is something you're concerned about, I would suggest helping actual people in need - or nature, or the planet - is more of an overwhelming priority than creating new ones. Volunteering to help with refugees or work towards climate change solutions or stand with oppressed people is more important on a "societal level" than settling down to have 2 kids in a suburban bubble.

As for your little Handmaid's Tale suggestion about women being encouraged to be broodmares... I shudder. The human species is in no danger of dying out. It's a non-concern. Having fewer children overall would be better for the planet (and thus humanity, if that bothers you).