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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close friends / relatives that you thought would love your child - just have no interest…

207 replies

Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 11:27

Have you ever been in a position where you feel a little disappointed with close people in your life who you thought would adore your children, just have no interest at all to be in their life?

This situation has been playing on my mind on and off for a few years. One of my closest friends, as in each others maid of honour and went to school and uni together close. Has shown very little interest in my DC since about 2/3 weeks old. I don’t expect constant checking in, I don’t expect much. But they’ve only met my DC once or twice in 3 years and never ask to see them, don’t send a card or text on their birthday. Will ask generic “how’s so and so” out of politeness when we meet (in evenings so not with DC)

Ive noticed a shift in our friendship too

They are childfree by choice right now and want kids Iater on. Just in case anyone asks . No fertility issues or wanting babies yet,

I haven’t mentioned anything to her. And probably won’t. I also understand the whole your children aren’t as important to you as others etc, I think I’m just secretly deep down sad.

OP posts:
JoyousEagle · 30/04/2025 11:57

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 30/04/2025 11:44

Were you interested in other people's children, before you had your own @Amiwrongamiright?

I think you're being unrealistic. Although your child is (rightly) the most important person in your life, in all honesty, nobody else is going to be particularly interested.

I agree to an extent. But I think if you’re good friends with someone, you show an interest in the things that are important in their life, whether that’s their children, pets, hobby, wider family, job, partner etc.

Lentilweaver · 30/04/2025 11:57

Oh and I am so not into other people's babies! More interested in their kittens or puppies. Way cuter.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/04/2025 11:58

Well I must be in the minority as I do love my best friend's DD. We spend a lot of time together, she has sleepovers and I take her out. Mine are grown up, my friend had her DD later.

I would also be hurt OP. Another of my close friends is a bit like this. No kids and not interested in mine ... now they've got a dog though we're inundated with photos and have to watch it bounding around my garden frequently and make all the right noises faking interest, it's bizarre.

TheGreenIsAlwaysGrasser · 30/04/2025 11:58

How far apart do you live? I think okay to be disappointed if you live very very close (like 20-30 mins away) as it would be easy for her to see your DC regularly, but anything further YABU. My friends have children and it's impossible to develop a relationship with a child that doesn't live nearby.

I ask about my friend's children to be polite and I care about them because I care about my friend... but honestly beyond that I'm not that bothered. If she doesn't have kids yet she also likely doesn't know what to ask about!

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/04/2025 11:59

I had this with my best friend/ MoH whose child was born within 6months of mine...

You just can't legislate....

Lentilweaver · 30/04/2025 12:03

I dont think it's different life paths because I have children and am still not interested in other people's children. I liked talking about the wider world.

User3452424 · 30/04/2025 12:04

Another of my close friends is a bit like this. No kids and not interested in mine ... now they've got a dog though we're inundated with photos and have to watch it bounding around my garden frequently and make all the right noises faking interest, it's bizarre.

That has every single red flag for infertility. In a few cases it could also be a shut up dog where one partner really wants a baby and the other doesn't so they compromise on an animal.

AllPlayedOut · 30/04/2025 12:04

JoyousEagle · 30/04/2025 11:57

I agree to an extent. But I think if you’re good friends with someone, you show an interest in the things that are important in their life, whether that’s their children, pets, hobby, wider family, job, partner etc.

Show quote history

Well yes but I think that asking how their child/fog/knitting class is covers that. And OP said that they do ask. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect much more than that.

I am puzzled by OP’s friend describing themself as childfree by choice though when they apparently intend to have children at some point. It’s normally reserved for people who intend to never have children.

Original poster
Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 12:06

AllPlayedOut · 30/04/2025 12:04

Well yes but I think that asking how their child/fog/knitting class is covers that. And OP said that they do ask. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect much more than that.

I am puzzled by OP’s friend describing themself as childfree by choice though when they apparently intend to have children at some point. It’s normally reserved for people who intend to never have children.

Show quote history

Apologies that’s my wording again - she doesn’t call herself childfree by choice I just didn’t know how to word it, I guess doesn’t want children yet and choosing to wait until later on?

OP posts:
AllPlayedOut · 30/04/2025 12:06

User3452424 · 30/04/2025 12:04

Another of my close friends is a bit like this. No kids and not interested in mine ... now they've got a dog though we're inundated with photos and have to watch it bounding around my garden frequently and make all the right noises faking interest, it's bizarre.

That has every single red flag for infertility. In a few cases it could also be a shut up dog where one partner really wants a baby and the other doesn't so they compromise on an animal.

Why assume infertility? Perhaps they really like dogs and don’t like kids. Bombarding people with photos is weird though.

Original poster
Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 12:06

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your responses and do feel better. It was helpful to read others perspectives.

OP posts:
TherebytheGraceofGodgoI · 30/04/2025 12:07

My very close friend had three children quite close to each other. When the first was born I realised that if I wanted to continue with the close friendship I had to embrace the children and did so, chatting to them, finding out what their likes/dislikes were etc and this has continued into early adulthood. I’ve always bought them presents for Christmas and birthdays.
I had DS who is a couple of years younger than my friend’s children. I’ve noticed a marked difference in how she relates to my DS and it hurts. He is a quiet and respectful boy. When we are all together I notice how she never speaks to my DS other than to offer a drink in her house yet I speak to hers to ask how things are going etc. She buys him presents for Christmas and birthday but that’s always when she’s with me and desperate to know what he wants and I have to tell her there and then, it seems a massive inconvenience for her and not something that she’s even thought about until the day of giving the present is here. I’m now of the opinion that the relationship between us isn’t as dear to her as it is to me.

AllPlayedOut · 30/04/2025 12:07

Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 12:06

Apologies that’s my wording again - she doesn’t call herself childfree by choice I just didn’t know how to word it, I guess doesn’t want children yet and choosing to wait until later on?

Show quote history

Ok. That makes sense. No she wouldn’t be childfree by choice but I know what you mean which is the main thing. Thank you for clarifying.

Lanzarotelady · 30/04/2025 12:07

I am not that keen on my own kids, why should I be bothered by yours??

Is it your first OP?

Here's the thing OP, your kids aren't that important to anyone else other than the parents and grandparents.

Hastentoadd · 30/04/2025 12:08

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/04/2025 11:28

I’ve never “loved” a close friend’s child 🤷‍♀️

Neither have I, I love my nieces & nephews but other than that I don’t really have feeling towards my friends children, they are nice kids for the most part but I’m not particularly interested in them and certainly don’t love them

nonmerci99 · 30/04/2025 12:10

Definitely — my children have two uncles in the country, one who is 30 minutes away and one who is 6 hours away. We see them both about the same. I used to think the nearby BIL was great, but now I find him unbearably self-centred and sad he doesn’t care at all to know my children.

User3452424 · 30/04/2025 12:11

Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 12:06

Apologies that’s my wording again - she doesn’t call herself childfree by choice I just didn’t know how to word it, I guess doesn’t want children yet and choosing to wait until later on?

Show quote history

"Not wanting children yet" is very often used by couples who are actually struggling with fertility but don't want to speak about it openly. We have a really good friend who stuck by this line and always insisted it just wasn't the right time for them yet. But as the years passed it's clear there is something going on because we're all over 40 now and if you really want children you won't faff around for 10 years. Her interest in our children has also dropped dramatically year by year, to the point she refuses to see us at all. So there's obviously something else but we're respecting her privacy without any hard feelings.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 30/04/2025 12:12

I have my own son, and I care about his little friends, and can sympathise with parents dealing with stuff with their own kids, but I don't care about kids outside of that.

The kids are the obstacle to me enjoying my adult friendships, they're not an added benefit to those adult friendships.

Think of it as if you had made another friend, but that friend was constantly drunk, and you had to look after them/stop them doing stupid things/feed them properly/help them go to the toilet/cancelled meet ups with your friend because of them/shouted all the time when you brought them to see your friend etc. That's what a toddler is to a childless person - a massively semi-verbal liability who your friend is for some reason obsessed with.

And as PP said, unless your friend happens to be a child development specialist (which I was in a former life), it can be hard to ask specific questions about what is going on with them anyway!

Original poster
Amiwrongamiright · 30/04/2025 12:12

User3452424 · 30/04/2025 12:11

"Not wanting children yet" is very often used by couples who are actually struggling with fertility but don't want to speak about it openly. We have a really good friend who stuck by this line and always insisted it just wasn't the right time for them yet. But as the years passed it's clear there is something going on because we're all over 40 now and if you really want children you won't faff around for 10 years. Her interest in our children has also dropped dramatically year by year, to the point she refuses to see us at all. So there's obviously something else but we're respecting her privacy without any hard feelings.

Show quote history

No, some people just don’t want children yet. It’s not the case for my friend

OP posts:
gannett · 30/04/2025 12:12

I'm child-free (as in, never wanted them and haven't had them) and I'm not interested in my friends' kids. I laid the groundwork for this by telling them throughout my 20s that I wasn't interested in kids. Absolutely no one expected me to be cooing over baby pics! And they don't talk to me about their kids much - as one friend put it, I'm the one they come to when they want to get away from motherhood and have an adult conversation/adult night out. Very happy to play that role.

nomas · 30/04/2025 12:13

Isn’t the real issue that this friend no longer makes any effort with you?

You say you make 90% of the effort. So pull back and let her make the effort. If she suggests meeting up, telling her you’d love to and ask her to suggest some dates.

Basically put the ball in her court.

And yes, when she has kids, make sure you show zero interest in them.

XWKD · 30/04/2025 12:13

I don't really think about my friend's children.

Bellaire85 · 30/04/2025 12:14

You are NOT being unreasonable!

I am child free by choice - and I am so uninterested in random babies and children, BUT I love hanging out with my friends and their kids! They are their minis! 🥰 The only kids I like are my friends kids 😂

One of my best friends is having her first baby this year, and I’m so excited for her, and how our catch ups are going to be different.

IsItAllMenopause · 30/04/2025 12:14

I had this with my sister when I had my first DC. Minimal interest for the first couple of years. It was a different matter when we got a puppy! My sister is close enough to my DC now. I think she just has no interest in babies. It's hard not to feel a bit hurt but it's not really worth falling out over it.

TammyJones · 30/04/2025 12:15

Londonrach1 · 30/04/2025 11:29

Yabu. No one loves your child unless it's possiblity grandparents.

I love mynieces and nephews