DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

DreamySloth · 2025-04-30T05:55:16+00:00

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken. He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter. When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him. Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business. I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day. A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me. Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life. He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis. He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year. He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible? AIBU? As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa · 30/04/2025 06:58

Prick. Ask him how 50:50 with the child and dog will work and tell him you’re looking forward to him picking up the responsibility so you can get back to work.

Even if he wasn’t paying a penny you can’t make him think beyond himself and be sensible. He is probably introducing her sp she can start doing childcare so he has to do less.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/04/2025 07:04

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa · 30/04/2025 06:58

Prick. Ask him how 50:50 with the child and dog will work and tell him you’re looking forward to him picking up the responsibility so you can get back to work.

Even if he wasn’t paying a penny you can’t make him think beyond himself and be sensible. He is probably introducing her sp she can start doing childcare so he has to do less.

This.

He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.

Also what a sanitised way of saying i dumped my family and am shagging someone else. Please tell me you aren't buying this nonsense. He's clearly been having an affair for months.

50:50 would certainly be a cold bucket of water over the fancy free love nest life

Allmychickenscometoroost · 30/04/2025 07:08

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa · 30/04/2025 06:58

Prick. Ask him how 50:50 with the child and dog will work and tell him you’re looking forward to him picking up the responsibility so you can get back to work.

Even if he wasn’t paying a penny you can’t make him think beyond himself and be sensible. He is probably introducing her sp she can start doing childcare so he has to do less.

Agree. what a nasty piece of work.

Original poster

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:10

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/04/2025 07:04

This.

He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.

Also what a sanitised way of saying i dumped my family and am shagging someone else. Please tell me you aren't buying this nonsense. He's clearly been having an affair for months.

50:50 would certainly be a cold bucket of water over the fancy free love nest life

Edited

Show quote history

I think it’s possible he has been having an affair or at least be interested in this woman for a while.
I would be sad to not have DD for 50%. I would miss her so much. He obviously doesn’t miss her

OP posts:

NeverFeelBadAboutThis · 30/04/2025 07:12

When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.

Was this discussed and agreed?

Yes, he was wrong for having an affair but when men do this they're described as cocklodgers on here and women are told to 'get rid'.

KarCat · 30/04/2025 07:12

Your problem is that at the moment you’re entirely financially dependent on him,
Far too soon for “new” gf to meet dd, in reality he will probably go ahead with it anyway.
You need to extricate yourself from him financially.
Your situation is exactly the one I faced 20 years ago btw, so I have every sympathy for you!
What an utter selfish prick.

Crayfishforyou · 30/04/2025 07:13

Tell him you are ambitious, and will be aiming higher than a total wanker in the future.

BlondiePortz · 30/04/2025 07:14

Well you need to get a job (if you dont have one already) and stop relying on him for money, and you have no say on who he is introduces your child too same as he would have no say on who you do, yes he should pay money towards his child but you are a grown adult so you need to be responsible for yourself

KarCat · 30/04/2025 07:14

NeverFeelBadAboutThis · 30/04/2025 07:12

When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.

Was this discussed and agreed?

Yes, he was wrong for having an affair but when men do this they're described as cocklodgers on here and women are told to 'get rid'.

Don’t be ridiculous, it’s a totally different scenario to cocklodging, they’re married and have a child ffs!!

justkeepswimingswiming · 30/04/2025 07:14

You need to get independent, find a job so he doesn’t get to call the shots. You can’t afford to be a lady of leisure anymore op.

Original poster

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:15

NeverFeelBadAboutThis · 30/04/2025 07:12

When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.

Was this discussed and agreed?

Yes, he was wrong for having an affair but when men do this they're described as cocklodgers on here and women are told to 'get rid'.

Yes, he said it would make him very happy for me to have an ‘easy’ life. I had not the greatest childhood so he fully encouraging it at one point. Then he obviously changed his mind and has since said that I should’ve been pulling my weight, I need to step up.
Still to this day, I get long lectures from him that I should try to be achieving great things but my low self esteem gets in the way.

OP posts:

KarCat · 30/04/2025 07:17

The arrogance to lecture you!
Tell him to fuck off, and lecture his new gf instead.

rubyslippers · 30/04/2025 07:18

He’s been having an affair - he’s basically told you as much
splitting up with someone on Boxing Day is calculated to cause real harm and upset
its nothing to do with you / your behaviour
you do need to get a job as a matter of urgency, start divorce proceedings and work out maintenance for your child and when he will be seeing her
assume he will do everything in bad faith and be difficult
so sorry but you will be so much better off without him

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/04/2025 07:18

His opinions about what you should be doing are irrelevant. He’s given that up when he dumped you. Start the divorce now. You’ll have to separate your assets and debts. Take legal advice on what that might look like. You need to work out your earning/borrowing capacity to have an idea of whether you can stay in your home.

BlondiePortz · 30/04/2025 07:20

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:15

Yes, he said it would make him very happy for me to have an ‘easy’ life. I had not the greatest childhood so he fully encouraging it at one point. Then he obviously changed his mind and has since said that I should’ve been pulling my weight, I need to step up.
Still to this day, I get long lectures from him that I should try to be achieving great things but my low self esteem gets in the way.

Show quote history

Well no matter how people want to take this he is not responsible for you, you are resposible for yourself

Original poster

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:21

I totally agree with everyone saying I need to get a job and stop relying on him. We had a business together that he did the bulk of and I did here and there. I am now starting a new business on my own doing the same thing. But could take a while to build contacts, networks etc.
The only other thing I can do is admin which is low pay compared to this business I could set up. And hours aren’t flexible.

OP posts:

CuttedPearPie · 30/04/2025 07:23

You sound so passive.
No job... Now you're just going to let this guy openly cheat on you?

Agix · 30/04/2025 07:23

He changed and grew, you didn't.

Not saying that's an excuse him cheating or leaving. It's absolutely not. He should have discussed it more with you - sounds like he barely did. He seemed happy for you to stay stagnant (and I agree staying stagnant can be a good thing if you're healing from past trauma actually) until he randomly changed his mind without much discussion.

Sorry that all happened.

He should be putting his kid before his new girlfriend, and they certainly shouldn't be meeting yet... Good luck getting through to him on either of those points though. For all his growing, he seems very selfish.

Original poster

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:24

CuttedPearPie · 30/04/2025 07:23

You sound so passive.
No job... Now you're just going to let this guy openly cheat on you?

We aren’t together anymore.
We own his business 50/50 and I’m now going to start out on my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:26

BlondiePortz · 30/04/2025 07:20

Well no matter how people want to take this he is not responsible for you, you are resposible for yourself

Show quote history

Yes 100%, I was just clarifying that when we was happily married he encouraged me to be a SAHM. I didn’t force it knowing he was unhappy with it. But yes fully agree with what you’re saying.

OP posts:

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/04/2025 07:28

The point is NO WAY will he take her 50/50
Also you will be much better able to work if you have weekdays free and he doesnt get to steal the best most fun part of the week (weekends)

Realistically you need to get your act together or financially you are going to be in trouble.
Do your CV and start looking.
Turn2us will help you understand what money you ca claim from the government.
Tax free childcare will give you £500 per quarter subsidised childcare this fan be used for after school or childminders.

Ignore/tune out all his bullshit 'self talk" about ambition and self esteem.
Also tell him to stop.
If its on the phone hang up when he starts.
If its whats app, archive him and check when you feel like it and every time respond with the same thing "as i said before please stop giving me unsolicited and unwanted advice. you've left your family, I'm not your concern anymore" or whatever

As an aside I have zero fucking ambition to progress in my high earning 'fancy" job
All I care about is having enough cash to live my life and provide for my kids. I think most parents especially mothers but also alot of dads i know feel similarly.
His "ambition" actually reflects fairly shittly on him imo.

Good luck.

Original poster

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:28

rubyslippers · 30/04/2025 07:18

He’s been having an affair - he’s basically told you as much
splitting up with someone on Boxing Day is calculated to cause real harm and upset
its nothing to do with you / your behaviour
you do need to get a job as a matter of urgency, start divorce proceedings and work out maintenance for your child and when he will be seeing her
assume he will do everything in bad faith and be difficult
so sorry but you will be so much better off without him

Edited

Thank you for the last sentence about I will be better off without him. At the moment I don’t feel that way. I’m very sad at the moment but looking forward to when I am better off!

OP posts:

SaladSandwichesForTea · 30/04/2025 07:30

He's going to do what he wants with introducing her whether you like it or not so I'd make it work for you and her as best you can.

I'd suggest DD would prefer a weekend or a weekend day rather than a few hours after school when she's tired.
TBh.

What are his/your plans to build up to more and better quality contact? At 5 she knows and must miss her dad or at least notice she is seeing much less of him (even accounting for the few months of him being "stressed at work").

As much as I personally wouldn't introduce a new partner so soon amd would hate it, you are where you are and you need to build a life without him.

Aim to negotiate proper CMS or access that will allow you to pick up work of some kind (appreciate this may not work out) but you need to stop worrying about what he does and start picking up your life. It's been a few months now, I know its a shock and sad but life has to move forward and that needs to be your focus not whether he brings a girlfriend over for the poxy 6 hours a week that he sees his daughter.

BreakingPoint555 · 30/04/2025 07:30

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:24

We aren’t together anymore.
We own his business 50/50 and I’m now going to start out on my own.

Show quote history

The way you say 'his business' op... It's your business too.

Original poster

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:31

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/04/2025 07:28

The point is NO WAY will he take her 50/50
Also you will be much better able to work if you have weekdays free and he doesnt get to steal the best most fun part of the week (weekends)

Realistically you need to get your act together or financially you are going to be in trouble.
Do your CV and start looking.
Turn2us will help you understand what money you ca claim from the government.
Tax free childcare will give you £500 per quarter subsidised childcare this fan be used for after school or childminders.

Ignore/tune out all his bullshit 'self talk" about ambition and self esteem.
Also tell him to stop.
If its on the phone hang up when he starts.
If its whats app, archive him and check when you feel like it and every time respond with the same thing "as i said before please stop giving me unsolicited and unwanted advice. you've left your family, I'm not your concern anymore" or whatever

As an aside I have zero fucking ambition to progress in my high earning 'fancy" job
All I care about is having enough cash to live my life and provide for my kids. I think most parents especially mothers but also alot of dads i know feel similarly.
His "ambition" actually reflects fairly shittly on him imo.

Good luck.

Edited

Thank you for this. The problem with his constant lectures about my lack of ambition did the opposite. He made my self esteem and confidence so low because he makes me feel rubbish. So it’s hard to be a go getter when I feel so rubbish. He once said he can do everything better than me. If I complain about anything, even oh it’s too hot today. He will turn it round and say that he loves it too hot and he can make an opportunity from it, unlike me.

OP posts: