Page 14 | DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

Jinxjacobs · 02/05/2025 08:49

@DreamySloth he's abusive. He may have adhd, but he's also showing narcissist qualities. I'm not saying jump on the label, but grey rock and some of the practices for dealing with narcissism would help. His lectures are emotional abuse, masked as 'only trying to help'. I follow Dr psych mom and if you search her website for narcissism you'd find very similar examples of what is happening to you. By which I mean, don't feel alone, this is a pattern and it's also not a reflection of you but of them. I'm sorry it's happened but also glad you're rid and have a chance to get out from under this.

Mammar56 · 02/05/2025 08:55

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:24

We aren’t together anymore.
We own his business 50/50 and I’m now going to start out on my own.

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Surely if 50% of the business is yours - I hope you have something in writing - then you can take that and use it to help start afresh.

Bonsatater · 02/05/2025 09:51

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:28

Thank you for the last sentence about I will be better off without him. At the moment I don’t feel that way. I’m very sad at the moment but looking forward to when I am better off!

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You will look back one day and think yes I am better off without him. But I do feel for you. Men can be so selfish. Good luck to you for your future and your new venture make sure you get everything that's due to you .

FindingAWayy · 02/05/2025 10:22

Lack of ambition could be due to learned behaviours in childhood: not being too successfull or achieving too much might have resulted in negative fall back from care givers. This could mean you feel safer when not striving for better therefore are happy and secure being you. Also another reason for being happy and secure being you might be because you are enough and happy and secure in yourself. Either way if its the main reason hes checked out of the relationship I think it probably means its an excuse and he feels he no longer is a viable relationship there: there might not infact been any specific reason other than it just isnt meant to be any more which is reanoble it happens all the time (bery hurtful if the other person isnt ready). Similar happned to me when my son was 18months old. But now he is nearly 8 I am super grateful for how my life turned out and even more glad I like myself. xx Hope you find peace and inner love for yourself xxxx

PBJsandwich123 · 02/05/2025 10:54

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:15

Yes, he said it would make him very happy for me to have an ‘easy’ life. I had not the greatest childhood so he fully encouraging it at one point. Then he obviously changed his mind and has since said that I should’ve been pulling my weight, I need to step up.
Still to this day, I get long lectures from him that I should try to be achieving great things but my low self esteem gets in the way.

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Everything has changed since cost of living crisis. Being with someone who wasn't a team player financially would be most people's nightmare right now tbf. Even with double income household, we're cutting back on some luxuries. I'm not sure how single income households get by. Although I will say he has handled this like a complete tool and I had picked having an affair over discussing and working through things like a grown up .

PBJsandwich123 · 02/05/2025 11:04

FindingAWayy · 02/05/2025 10:22

Lack of ambition could be due to learned behaviours in childhood: not being too successfull or achieving too much might have resulted in negative fall back from care givers. This could mean you feel safer when not striving for better therefore are happy and secure being you. Also another reason for being happy and secure being you might be because you are enough and happy and secure in yourself. Either way if its the main reason hes checked out of the relationship I think it probably means its an excuse and he feels he no longer is a viable relationship there: there might not infact been any specific reason other than it just isnt meant to be any more which is reanoble it happens all the time (bery hurtful if the other person isnt ready). Similar happned to me when my son was 18months old. But now he is nearly 8 I am super grateful for how my life turned out and even more glad I like myself. xx Hope you find peace and inner love for yourself xxxx

I so agree with this. When my fiance of 6 years ghosted me, some one said to me that people fall in and out of love all the time which made the whole thing feel less personal (totally different situation to where marriage and kids are involved, I realise). Since then I've read loads of stories on the internet of men checking out of relationships in weird and not-so-wonderful ways - it seems to me that a lot of men are incapable of owning their shit and have no emotional tool kit whatsoever "not all men". Since the ghosting my life has much improved and i never allow myself to rely on anyone. Sorry this happened to you

CameltoeParkerBowles · 02/05/2025 16:05

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:31

Thank you for this. The problem with his constant lectures about my lack of ambition did the opposite. He made my self esteem and confidence so low because he makes me feel rubbish. So it’s hard to be a go getter when I feel so rubbish. He once said he can do everything better than me. If I complain about anything, even oh it’s too hot today. He will turn it round and say that he loves it too hot and he can make an opportunity from it, unlike me.

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Oh God! He sounds so tedious. You're well rid of him.

llizzie · 03/05/2025 01:49

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 06:55

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

I hope I am not being unkind to you; I do not intend to be, but could I ask if you thought you could help him with his ADHD before you married him?

It is good to help someone live with any physical or mental problem, and many well meaning women have tried to, but failed.

I think your post is a help to those who are thinking of marrying someone with problems which they think they can help with.

llizzie · 03/05/2025 01:52

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:10

I think it’s possible he has been having an affair or at least be interested in this woman for a while.
I would be sad to not have DD for 50%. I would miss her so much. He obviously doesn’t miss her

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Get down on your knees, kiss the ground and thank God he has a diversion so that you can get on with the rest of your life.

I hope your post is a help to others.

llizzie · 03/05/2025 01:56

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 07:31

Thank you for this. The problem with his constant lectures about my lack of ambition did the opposite. He made my self esteem and confidence so low because he makes me feel rubbish. So it’s hard to be a go getter when I feel so rubbish. He once said he can do everything better than me. If I complain about anything, even oh it’s too hot today. He will turn it round and say that he loves it too hot and he can make an opportunity from it, unlike me.

Show quote history

There are many men who blame their womenfolk for not being ambitious. What many of them are saying is ''I would be so much better if you could just show more interest in me and encourage me to do better''.

They usually cannot cope on their own, make mistakes, and look for someone to blame.

Long engagements are the only answer, and not living with them until more than a year has passed.

DraigCymraeg · 03/05/2025 10:34

CuttedPearPie · 30/04/2025 07:23

You sound so passive.
No job... Now you're just going to let this guy openly cheat on you?

OP has enough on her plate with her Husband.
She doesn't need us piling in on her.
Let's be kind, supportive and constructive.

Littlejellyuk · 03/05/2025 11:45

Get your ducks in a row.
Get everything in writing.
Either take 50 % of the business, or take the contacts and start your own.
find work, and get some finances behind you, as you are reliant on him atm.
Start divorce proceedings.
Get maintenance sorted.
It's going to be a pain in the butt.

He has done you a favour. Trust me. He will only grind you down further and make it seem like it was your fault. He will call you stagnant so he can dull your sunlight.
He will argue the toss with an empty room for the sake of it.
He sounds like an eristic prick.
Take what is yours and focus on healing and building yourself up for you and your daughter.

If you give this eristic prick any more of your time, then you are showing this to your daughter.
He is a twat. 👊
You deserve better.
Please believe it. Hugs to you 🫂

Minc · 03/05/2025 12:45

What nice thing could you do together with your daughter this weekend?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/05/2025 14:25

rushandpush · 30/04/2025 21:00

It sounds like you are a thoroughly decent person and a great mum. Please try some counselling or therapy, if it’s possible, to help your self esteem and to believe in yourself. If you’re achieving the reliable, honest and loving mum status you appear to - then you have accomplished far more than your ex ever has to date. You sound so deferential, not just to your ex but to many people on here. You supported him with his adhd, helped him back on his feet etc it was supposed to be a partnership not a competition. I understand the financial implications you’re facing, - and you sound determined to remedy this - I think you sound wonderful.

I agree.

You've got a chance to get rid of this mill stone from around your neck that was dragging you down down down.
You absolutely don't have to listen to his stupid self important lectures anymore, which are all designed to say how important he is in comparison to you. He's wrong, but let him think that if that's what he gets a kick out of it. But you no longer have to participate or engage in his nonsense and self agrandisement.
He was only able to get where he is now because he had you as an effective support system.
Now you can apply all that support to yourself! and you will flourish and it will no longer matter with he thinks. It will be come irrelevant to you because you will have time to focus on yourself instead of propping up this energy drain.
You can hold your hand palm up and have some stock phrases
"So you say... can we please discuss xyz."
"Yes. Yes.. You've already said that... what time are you picking up DD."

Or "Can we get back to the topic in hand?"
Could you put that in an email. I don't have time to chat now.
and so on.
Good idea to put everything in writing anyway.
Look at your watch continuously.

But really I'd make him make appointment and stop spending time in your home, have DD ready to go as soon as he gets there...

Numberfish · 03/05/2025 15:41

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 20:04

For everyone saying I’m being passive…I totally agree! Unfortunately I have got myself into a position where I feel like I can’t think for myself or make any sort of decision on me own. I would always need him to make decisions for me - that’s how bad I feel about myself as if I don’t even trust my own thoughts or opinions anymore

OP, you’ve also been focused on raising your daughter and trusted this man when he said it was your time to heal. You’re not a failure in any way - he’s eroded your confidence with his betrayal. No shame in trusting your husband. Don’t let the grief pretend to be guilt. That’s on him. You sound absolutely lovely and you will be very pleased very soon that you dropped this sack of shit x

Trillie · 03/05/2025 18:27

He sounds a particularly charmless individual. Classic advice is, let him get on with his life and concentrate on your own. He’s just some bloke, he’s not the arbiter of what’s good or bad. Do what makes you content and leave the new girlfriend to enjoy the lectures.

EPN · 03/05/2025 18:42

What a fucking deluded bellend he is!!!! It's not you it's him. He's a self indulgent wanker. Ffs. Men!!! They fecking retards

PaulShears · 03/05/2025 18:46

Assuming that you went to school, did they ever teach and English?

DollydaydreamTheThird · 03/05/2025 21:53

CuttedPearPie · 30/04/2025 07:23

You sound so passive.
No job... Now you're just going to let this guy openly cheat on you?

I was just thinking the same thing. I would be full on raging if someone fucked me and my kid over like that, especially after encouraging me to be in a vulnerable position of not even having any financial independence. And then to dump you on boxing day as well. Has the man got no fucking shame??!! What a massive cunt.
I'm raging now actually.
OP you need to get some self-esteem fast. Go to counselling and sort out some of your old issues or you will end up in the same scenario with next bloke. You need to know your worth. You are worth 10 of him. Sending you lots of strength and wishing you the best of luck with your new venture. Xx
P.s my ex did something similar we were together years, dumped me and then phoned me two weeks later to warn me he was going on a first date with someone he'd known for ages and didn't want me to hear on the grapevine. I believed it as well but the bastard was cheating on my for absolutely ages and it appears loads of people knew. I know it's devastating but you'll get through it and be stronger and more badass than before.

InWalksBarberalla · 03/05/2025 22:36

PaulShears · 03/05/2025 18:46

Assuming that you went to school, did they ever teach and English?

Sorry what does this mean? Did they ... "and English"??

Candy24 · 04/05/2025 08:21

This whole story is making me so sad. OP you are worth more and Im so sorry he didn't see your worth. Please lawyer up and get ready he is going to play dirty.

Marosanne · 04/05/2025 09:27

What a disgusting human being. See a lawyer immediately and make sure you get what you're entitled to. Don't let him belittle you and diminish you, he's clearly been shagging behind your back for months.

NotallRainbowsandUnicorns · 04/05/2025 09:28

I have been through this kind of scenario and know other women who struggled to get their kids father to see their kids after a split.

My friend weng through a family court to set up access arrangements for their 3 sons because dad was not doing anything to spend time with the 3 boys.

Even the courts said Dads ( or any parent) cannot be forced legally to spend time with their own children.

The only thing that can be enforced is Child support payments if he refuses to pay the amount calculated by CMS.

Make sure you get all your financial affairs in order, sell the house, get legal advice on who gets what because you are the main caregiver of your child so legally you are entitled to a larger split of equity.
If he kicks off, which he will, send him your solicitors details and do not engage with him if he's being anything other than reasonable.

Make a fresh start in a new home does wonders for creating a new life. Go find somewhere you would like to live. You are in control now.
Start to rebuild your life. It takes time but you will heal.

Sell up, move on. Gain financial independence. Start a new hobby.
All these things will give your self esteem a boost.
There is a new life waiting for you. Take back control now.

Mamadrinkscoffee · 04/05/2025 09:45

Sounds like he's been gaslighting you for a long time, has knocked down your confidence used you for full time childcare when it was convenient to him, even thought that impacted your career prospects and would have impacted his, if he needed to do childcare himself. He's selfish, entitled and you will be much better off in the long-term. Don't believe any negative nonsense that comes from his mouth. If you didn't stay at home he would have had to pay thousands for a professional to look after your daughter. If he had an issue with you staying at home and not 'earning' then he should have had the conversation with you. Don't rely on him for anything, get a decent lawyer, split proceedings including the business, you are entitled to it as he would not have been able to build this business without your support. And try to find some work, maybe a part time admin position to begin with while you build your own business on the side. You can do it for yourself and your child and it might take some time, but you will get your confidence back. Your daughter one day will know what strong mum she has and what a pathetic weak excuse of father he is. I'm saying this as someone who was raised by a successful single mum. Side note, I don't hate men and have a loving caring husband who is nothing like my bio dad. Xxx

JoyFractal · 04/05/2025 10:01

DreamySloth · 30/04/2025 06:55

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

You are not being unreasonable. You've been a great support to him during his learning difficulties and have played a major part in his current successes.

It is way too soon to be introducing his gf to your daughter. You are quite right - he needs to spend quality time with her to reassure her that he loves her and hasn't rejected her.