DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

Wow so now he's on the ADHD meds and he's super focused he's forgotten all the support and help you gave him? While it's good that they've made such a difference in his life he's an arrogant selfish bastard for dismissing the help you gave him before the meds. Remind him of that. Without the meds he'd be right back where he was before and so called ambition would fly out of the window. The fact that he's now using this against you, to make YOU feel shit about yourself,has got another woman and has left you is cold as hell. Way too soon for the girlfriend to meet DD and for him to have her 50/50 but while you're financially dependent on him, like you said, he calls the shots. So you need to muster up the courage to get out there, get a job and get financially independent. The guy is an utter wanker, you're well rid of him.

He sounds self centred and perhaps narcissistic. Thank God he walked away rather than damaging your self esteem beyond redeption. What a horrible character. Goodluck OP. As a pp mentioned, you'd be much better off without him. Xx

Do you know HOW she is encouraging him to do better?

If his reasons for leaving you are that you are not ambitious enough to help him do better, it would be interesting to know how she helps him, since you have known him - hopefully - so much longer.

Is the company a limited company? If it is, have you looked it up in Companies House to see who the directors are, and how the filing stands at the moment?

If it is, you should be named as a director, and share holder

If it is not, you will somehow have to establish your 50% ownership. That might mean consulting a solicitor, especially if you are starting up a new business with a similar trade.

You should get legal advice about that, ahead of any divorce proceedings.

Sorry but why do people come out with this crap?

"Ha ha, make him do 50/50..."

Like OP can make him do any such thing? On what planet does a man who's clearly walked out on his family, and been staying at this woman's house "house-sitting" (FFS did he really get away with that as an excuse) suddenly go, "oh my god, yes, what a gotcha moment, I must have this child 50% of the time."

That conversation will go:

"Oooh, how's your little set up going to like having DD and all the school runs 50% of the time"

"Lol, I'll see her every other weekend if it doesn't mess with mine and gf plans"

If he is still paying 100% of your lifestyle then he deserves 50/50 time with his child. Whether he wants that is a different question.

People are saying it because currently -

He's spending 50% of his downtime outside work IN OPs HOME. Under the guise of seeing their DD. Whilst emotionally abusing OP.

If he wants to see DD he needs to take her to his own flat during his contact time with her and do the grunt work of providing bed, clothes, toys, school uniform, doing school drop offs/pickups on his days, feeding her and clearing up after her etc.

At the moment he's swanning in and out of OPs and DDs lives whenever he feels like it, creating havoc and cherry picking the best bits of everything.

OP can stop that, getting him out of her home whilst also being fair, by offering him genuine 50/50...

... Which he won't want because he doesn't want the grunt work of parenting and it'll cramp his style with new GF.

Then OP will have back majority of the time with DD. And no time at all with him, who's continuing to keep her shut down and passive with his emotional abuse. Plus it'll be his choice not to see DD so much, so he won't be able to blame that on OP.

@BluesBird19764

If he is still paying 100% of your lifestyle then he deserves 50/50 time with his child. Whether he wants that is a different question

He's not. That's the bullshit he's telling her and she's in turn parroting it to us. Along with referring to it as "his business".

Reality is she's earning a wage and dividends, from the business she co-owns and is director of, with him.

You are being reasonable. He left you and in this situation he has to take your feelings into account. You’ve only been split up a few months so to spring this on you so soon is cruel and incredibly inconsiderate. Out of respect, he should wait a year before he makes a request like that. The other thing is he cannot bring women he has been dating 5 weeks (basically 5 minutes!) to meet your child. It’s not appropriate for the child. Say no because you’d find it distressing and also that he can’t bring a string of women he dates for 5 minutes, that you don’t know, to be around your child. She is a stranger to you and your child. Once they’ve been together a year proving their relationship may have a future, you can allow it.

On another note, at least he’s currently only wanting to see your child twice a week. It’d be harsh for you at the minute for him to ask for 50% and bear in mind that time may come bug perhaps not if he’s in London. Stay strong.

I hope you got advice from a good solicitor because if you are married, as the main carer you are entitled to a specific chunk of his monthly income and a bigger chunk of the house to make up for the fact you forfeited working full time to be a mum and the rules are you have to both move on financially equally.

Good on you for battling forwards while feeling heartbroken and giving the business a go. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, it sounds a great idea. Well done.

i know you probably still love him and it hurts. Keep being a great mum and moving forwards and building your confidence up. You’re going to become a strong woman who your child respects especially when they are old enough to understand.

Most likely this girlfriend of his will be done and dusted in 18 months once the honeymoon period is over and cracks start to show.

I know you don’t want to be in this situation but keep reaching out for support, keep building your work up to get a reasonable income and most of all keep being a great mum!

You’ve got this. We’re all rooting for you!

I know this word is thrown about a bit much on here, but his behaviour sounds really narcissistic and quite emotionally abusive.
When you are in a more stable place it might be worth getting some counselling.

The fact that you are holding everything together and thinking about business opportunities to support your daughter, after your marriage ending unexpectedly a few months back and what sounds like years of emotional abuse, shows you are anything but unambitious
You sound resilient and respurceful, and emotionally intelligent.

Make sure you see a solicitor about your half of the business well as everything else.

Its clear that your school didn't, judging by this pose!