DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

Jesus get him to buy you out or take equity in the house for the share of the business.

Im with previous posters you've been so ground down by his bullshit you cant see the wood for the trees.

The business is just an asset you can trade it for what you want.

What do you want??? I think you've lost sight of anthing centred on you because it's all about him.

Given you are a sahm and child is young you should ve going for an absolute minimum of 50% on everything (pension savings house business car etc)
60-70% wouldn't be unreasonable

You will want a lawyer to help get the best deal if you can't horse whispering yourself into finding your anger and actually advocate for yourself (no judgement here, its hard when you are being ground down daily. I kniw because i watched my mum get shafted by not lawyering up and took a shit settlement from my dad)
Given the business aspect you def need a lawyer and keep in mind these assets are for your child not just you.
He clearly cannot be trusted. Who is to say he is not going to pay bare minimum legal and ride off into the sunset. You should secure as much financial security for your child as you can and you should go in hard for her not just you

He’s an arsehole and you are well shot of him.

and whilst he shouldn’t be introducing someone so quickly- it’s up to him what and who on his contact time.

It’s not your calll.

Don’t walk away from the business without taking advice from a solicitor specialising in corporate issues. the first hour is often free.

I had to leave a business I’d set up with friends and initially I was going to just resign. Instead I took a free hour from 2 different solicitor firms and put together an email saying “I’d like to sell my share of the business for £x amount” and cc in their accountant.

I was scared to do it at first and it felt cheeky somehow like I was kicking them when they were down. But it turns out this is the protocol when you leave a business.

A bit of back and forth but nothing too stressful and I got £10k out of it which paid for the setup of my new business.

He won’t want you to have ties to his business so it’s worth him paying you to officially resign.

You need some legal advice. You shouldn’t walk away from your shared business, he either needs to buy you out, or you continue together but with more defined roles and payouts, or you buy him out (business loan), or you both sell it and split the proceeds. But don’t just fade away and get a low-paid job! Get some advice, without telling him you are doing so.

If you own 50% of the business then he isn't "giving" you money, it is yours. Do you draw a salary from your business? How do shares of the profits work? Do you have access to the finances? If he thinks you're lazy but he is still being (what you regard as) generous with money, then it's likely to keep you from looking at this stuff. So get a solicitor and look at this stuff.

When my exhusband left I went back to supply teaching . Our children were 3 and 2 at the time.Once they started school I added fulltime termly contracts in and when they were both completely settled I went back to permanent fulltime. I had no interest in a 'big ' job career. I just wanted enough to pay for everything without needing the sporadic maintenance I received. Lots of women want an important job. Lots want a job that gets you by. Both options are perfectly fine. Don't beat yourself up when your confidence is so low. My exhusband told me that I was physically repulsive and having sex with me was torture. That took a while to get over. You and your daughter will be fine . Fund your anger and make a plan xx

You probably can't stop him moaning at you and the harder you try the more he will moan, plus the more you will bend yourself out of shape to shut him up instead of just getting on with whatever you want/need to do. Instead you need to set up some internal (mental) barriers so that his moaning mostly rolls past you and leaves you emotionally untouched. Google the "grey rock" technique.

And even if you’ve been out of the work world a while, remember that you, as a mum, are an extremely capable person. Do not let his poison affect you - it’s designed to make you feel worse so he can feel better. Only very weak and insecure people operate that way.

To be clear, I’m not justifying or excusing his behaviour, more so to explain / just to let you know in case you don’t already. For a person with ADHD, object permanence can also apply to people. This can by why it can be hard to miss someone if you have ADHD. Out of sight, out of mind similarly to things / objects. So it’s not necessarily that he doesn’t miss her if that helps give some added context?

Men are described as cocklodgers when they contribute nothing. The OP has done all the childcare and helped her h with all his own difficulties. Her kid is 5 not 15. He's had all her help and advantage when the baby was tiny, now he wants to judge her for not rushing back to work the second her child is at school. And school age dc still need a lot of time from parents unless childcare is really good where she lives.

Actually, this was not at all about the OP or her job status - it was a man justifying to himself, his shitty behaviour!

You may have low self esteem but is it surprising when someone spends so much time lecturing or criticising you. If you want to overcome your low self esteem I suggest you read the book overcoming low self esteem, seek counselling if this is something you can afford and stop entertaining him when he lectures you. You don’t have to be confrontational if you don’t feel brave enough to say I won’t be spoken to like this, you can simply tell him you need to do something and leave the room. Once you’ve built up some self esteem hopefully you’ll begin to see you deserve much better than the way he has behaved and that you’ve got all you need internally to have a lovely happy life with your daughter, regardless of his actions.

Has he considered that your “low self esteem” could be something to do with him?!!

@DreamySloth it’s nearly may so surely you have a solicitor on thsi ? Regarding divorce and finances ?
He doesn’t get to just decide .

You already own 50% of a successful business and 50% of the marital home, you’ll be ok if you don’t let him stiff you on these assets.

The point is half the business IS YOURS he can't just take it away unilaterally. HALF THE INCOME FROM THE BUSINESS IS YOURS. You need to see a solicitor and shake his tree a bit. He has you so downtrodden that you are just agreeing to everything he decrees. You are not worthless - and only entitled to his pity you are an EQUAL PARTNER! Have you seen the company books lately?

It’s so common that women help their husbands do well, sacrifice everything then off they go. I paid for my ex husbands masters and wrote his dissertation, brought up the kids, helped him with his drinking problem and various other unsavoury habits - off he went with the ‘crazy wife’ trope.

What you're saying is that due to his ADHD he possibly doesn't miss his DD. She's not there so he doesn't miss her - as you say, out of sight, out of mind. If he doesn't experience missing people himself then getting him to do something sensible and proportionate about the possibility that DD might miss him is not gong to be easy.

I was wondering if the meds have sent him a bit manic. But maybe he's always been that arrogant and self-absorbed and the meds have just brought it out in a more active way. There's going to be fun and games when the new girlfriend dumps him. Or whichever else of his new "ambitions" goes tits-up and things don't go his way.

So I agree about getting taking proper legal advice and getting bought out of the business. He doesn't sound stable and OP you need stability and independence from him, for your own and DD's sake.

How ironic that he is critiquing you for having low self esteem. I would suggest he reflects on how effective that is. If he was trying to help you he’d be encouraging you and building you up.

Please say this to him

What a dick!! Also an absolute cliche. You need to read the script because he’s behaving so predictably.

This and then this again. It isn’t his business; it’s a shared endeavour so all the money should be spilt equally. If you are a 50% shareholder you get a wage that is the same as his. You also need to check that he isn’t hiding assets from the business.

OK get your ducks in a row, get a solicitor, make sure you have all documents, get a job so you are less reliant on a man it will build your own self confidence. Get the solicitor to arrange visitations, if he insists on bringing his girlfriend do so through a contact centre to protect your daughter. Now is the time to woman up and toughen up for your daughter.he has treated you appallingly and you deserve better!

You need to get divorced ASAP so he’s forced to buy you out of the business which will set you up for a bit. On the other hand this is why I don’t support ADHD medication

Start thinking like a man. Like a shitty man.

It doesn’t matter if he thinks you’re wrong. You’re right and you know it. Look after your financial interests and do not concern yourself with his wants.

he‘s telling you to be ambitious? „Why are you nagging me?“

he‘s getting angry? His emotions aren’t your problem.

he doesn’t want to be working with you? Well, he’s obviously free to leave the business.

too tired to respond? Can’t be arsed? Don’t respond.

your life will be easier when you’ve stopped caring (about him). He’s clearly managed to do that with you and is enjoying the emotional freedom.

Contact a lawyer and get your shit together.

A shareholder doesn't necessarily get a wage if they are not employed by the business, only the corresponding % of any dividends.