DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
Your soon to be ex makes his money from the business so it needs to stay profitable enough for him to be paid his wage -as he does most of the work. You, I imagine then (on paper) earn 50% of the profit after all wages and expenses. Sometimes the profit will go back to invest in equipment etc.

Start up your own business and ask ex be understanding and supportive until you are earning enough to draw a wage.

Fortunately your child is at school so now is the time for increasing your business.

he’s doing that because deep down he knows he wouldn’t be able to do the shit he does now if it weren’t for you getting him through those years.

dont think yourself as less you were technically his carer whilst his adhd was going through management and medication. Fight for yourself and DD and remember adhd people do relapse without support.(he’s just thrown his away) It seems he’s got his life on track but he’s just in a hyperfocus phase (these pass btw) and he’s likely on his way to burnout. How likely with the GF support him? Probably not.

im not saying this for you to feel sad or wait it out but to prepare for him crawling back when he does burnout so you can prepare your ‘fuck right off dear’ speech.

(I have an adhd almost adult and we go through these cycles of amazing hyperfocus and growth then burnout because the meds make DC feel superhuman. Burnout happens, things fall apart and then the cycle starts again)

Ah, I’m sorry OP - of course it’s too early for your daughter to meet a girl friend. She shouldn’t be meeting anyone unless they are likely to become a long term partner, so certainly a year.

He sounds like an absolute idiot, and long term you are well shot of him.

Since he’s so successful book a series of sessions with a therapist to sort out your head. Gather all your joint financials and go and see a solicitor to see what you’ll get in a split.

Focus on getting back to work and building your own life and career up, you will feel much better and be able to leave him properly behind.

Sort out the money as a priority.

I would carry on in the business for now and get the groundwork done for your new one, but don't launch till you're divorced.
He sounds like the type who'll come after it.

It's not easy, but you will get over him OP. Focus on yourself, you can't control what he does with DD in his own time, stressing over it will only eat away at you.

You've done well by thinking of the next steps like your business, keep on being positive and your self esteem will soon match up.

Why are you letting him do this to you,? Stop all contact apart from to do with your DD.

Get as much evidence of what he has and what the business is worth and any pensions and investments he has. It is all marital assets. The starting point is 50%

So if the business is worth £500k and your house has a net worth after mortgage of £400k and he has a pension of £200k. He can keep the business you can take the house and £150k of his pension.

But that is only a straight 50/50 split you could get more. + if your ex decides he can only do a couple of days per week childcare then you will get CM

Forget getting a job at this time. Time to get to work and get copies of every bank account statement, payslip, pension and investment, ISA and savings account you can find. Company records can be found on line HMRC.gov with regards to company accounts and time to get a good divorce solicitor.

Bank and Credit card statements will show his expenditure if he says he only earns £2.50 per week and can’t afford CM

Totally this.

file now, because whoever files is in the driving seat.

plus it shows him that you mean business.

you can file online, I believe. Then get yourself educated and lawyered up, with a view to getting your ducks in a row.

He has you to thank for looking after him before taking meds for his adhd. He’s used you as a stepping stone for a new life, unfortunately. Good luck with your new life going forward.

@DreamySloth

You have been to see a solicitor about what you need to do now, haven't you, OP?

You must.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

This
I would have never willingly given up
work / career to allow my dh to focus solely on his own business and leave me in a vulnerable position.

He used Op and now has his true ‘preference’

Your DH is a dick. If he has a problem with you not working then he should resolve it, but he uses the excuse to cheat.
I work with mostly men and some do complain a lot about their SAHM wife doing not much and spending money, I don't know sometimes if they are joking or not, but I always think it's dickish to talk about your wife that way when you need her to do childcare and everything else.

Say you get half the house each .
Half the business. He can then give you the whole house for say the whole business.
Obviously it all goes down to the figures and you will know them.
You will need to ask your accountant to give you a value for the business for your solicitor . Even if you are walking away from the business don’t do this without getting what your due from it .

This is why women can’t and should never trust men. We give them everything and in return… they take everything. My sympathies op.

You own half that business, so you need professional advice asap. He’s a dick, so you’ve got to wise up sharpish.

Let him know you look forward to him taking over the childcare so you too can become an ambitious go getter.

Honestly, what a prick. Are the NHS giving out free lobotomies at the minute or something?

And no, his new gf of 5 weeks has no business being involved in his contact time.

100% yes to this first statement. Might shut him up for a bit.

I'm in a similar situation nearly 2 years down the line. It was only when I stopped all communication apart from through his lawyer that I started to feel better

Noooo

Then he obviously changed his mind and has since said that I should’ve been pulling my weight, I need to step up.
Still to this day, I get long lectures from him that I should try to be achieving great things but my low self esteem gets in the way

WTF doesn’t he realise that the only reason he is in the position he is in is because he hasn’t got to do the school run look after a child or pay for any wraparound care or holiday cover or take weeks off to do everything.

Did he not realise that you getting a job would mean his life would change

better without him. when the novelty of London life wears off and he is broke she will soon clear off.

Surely if you own 50% of the business, you should take that 50%? get him to buy you out.

What is the business?

If it's essentially consultancy - he gets paid for work he does, no assets are owned and it has nothing but contacts, then there isn't much value in it. You say you did bits and pieces (although you also say you didn't work) - can you actually do the work the business requires, or was what you did occasional admin?

And don't tell him ANY of your plans or your successes or anything. Ever. Keep schtum.

All power to you. You can do this.

its a really minor thing, but it can make a huge difference in how you act/behave.

Stop referring to him as your 'DH'

He is NOT your 'dear husband' he is your EX.

As long as you keep thinking of him and referring to him as DH you will keep giving him concessions he doesn't deserve.

Mindset in divorce is such an important thing.