DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

Remember that even if your now ex owned 100% of the business, it is still a marital asset

You realise that this was deliberate don't you? He used the facade of trying to encourage you, to put you down and make you feel worthless. He is still doing that. You don't need to entertain his BS unless it is to do with your daughter or business. Tell him to keep his opinion/advice whatever he's calling it now, to himself. Look for work, even low paid admin work, you will be able to claim benefits to support you. You need to be less passive in this process.

OP.

Your DH is a massive tool but you’ve not helped yourself by leaving yourself in a vulnerable position. I know it sucks, but you need to pic yourself off and wise up. Get professional advice on the business and keep contact with your ex to chat about DD only.

He probably thinks you’re sitting there with no clue what you’re doing saying things like how unambiguous you are. Get a job, get some professional help - for YOU!

Just remember the important bit. When he was struggling with his ADHD symptoms you supported and helped him as you loved him. When you are struggling he’s made the symptoms far worse and not supported you.

On top of that he left you on Boxing Day so that alone sums up anything we need to know about him and his obvious affair.

So now forget about him and his opinions, form your own. You may have low self esteem etc I understand as I’m struggling with crippling anxiety etc at the moment and also not working.

But you can do it and a low paid but routine job would be the best. So take a pt admin job it gets you and your DD into a new routine and your life will start expanding. You will also have your own money then so everything will start to seem brighter.

Please speak to a lawyer ASAP. In the U.K. A SAHM who does so to support her husband’s business is considered to have made an equal value of contribution to the business to the breadwinner. You would be entitled to a fair share of assets AND the business.

Do you have any family who can support you emotionally?

Sort of. But they are very anti-men because my dad is a dickhead so was my grandad. We all seemed to have had bad luck with men! So they will get very angry and then it’s all dramatic. I have a couple of friends who I can speak to

This is awful for you & daughter.Get this man out of your life.Has he any idea, how much work running a home looking after & bringing up a child takes.You & daughter deserve so much more! How he has behaved is abuse.I would be a million miles away from this nasty piece of work.Be brave & find a life free from this person.Sending Hugs!

Oh I totally agree. I’ve messed up but you never think it will happen to you do you? I was an idiot all along

Is he still living with you? If he is you need to throw his deceased arse out. I don't know how you can share a house with someone who can openly cheat on you. Do you share towels?

Pretty evident from this that there was an overlap and he was already involved with her.

I know how hard it is, OP having been through it. My exH introduced our dc (they were in their mid teens so slightly different) much earlier than I would have liked. But over the years, I have grown to like her, she is good to our dc and that is all that matters. I never thought I would have said that.

Your ex sounds very arrogant and I think in time you will be very glad that he made this decision. Life will get better.

I can’t really advise on child and break up etc, but from a solidarity perspective, my ex also changed massively once going into ADHD meds, and all the support id previously given was forgotten and nothing was good enough any more. 3 or 4 years down the line I’m so much happier without him (although I appreciate we didn’t have the added complication of having to stay in touch due to a child)

Yes, you have made some unwise choices but HE has gone about this the wrong way. He should have sat down with you and had a mature conversation about the fact that you need to get back to work (you obviously aren’t averse to doing so).

You really need legal advice is there £500 in the joint bank account that you can take out? It’s wonderful if he is able to see the transaction and sees that you have lawyered up.

never mind, talking to friends and family. That’s often the worst thing you can do they bring their own baggage to the situations.
Find a good Lawyer and listen to them

Don't be ridiculous. When you've got a child in school it's still hard to find a job that fits around the school day. Yes, I worked p/t but it wasn't easy and I had to juggle and use breakfast/after school/holiday clubs as well (was just about worth working financially).
Making sure you're there for school runs/assemblies/volunteering on trips/illness and cooking the eevening meal/making packed lunches is not 'cocklodging' equivalent.
A cocklodger would be a man who moved in with his gf and lazed about the house all day and did no housework or cooking.

I'm so sorry OP. It's really tough, I've been through similar. The worst bit is that if they were upfront and said "really sorry, I've fallen for someone else. It's not your fault..." then at least you could grieve the relationship and move on. But the mind games, they find anything, anything at all that they think they can blame you for and pretend their actions and behaviour are totally justified because of x and y (you being SAHM in your case). I had all sorts of blame thrown at me by my ex. The funny thing was that most of my behaviour my ex mentioned started after his affair started and as a direct result of his behaviour due to the affair.

They finish the relationship, enough trauma for you and your DC but then they also tear you down in case you aren't already low enough. What sort of parent does that to their DC's mum? He was happy to take your extra labour in looking after him when he was suffering with ADHD, looking after your DD, being at home. Suddenly now it has become a stick to beat you with.

I think you need to put yourself first from here on in. I'd see a solicitor about divorce, the business, the house, DD and your next steps. You need to get ahead of him now. It's also not fair if he's still swanning in and out of the house at will, how are you meant to move on mentally and emotionally? I think you need to agree at least an interim arrangement/schedule so you know where you are. Stop facilitating his life in any way and start to detach from him, get out and about with DD and friends/family, make plans, think about how you would like your life to look.

He doesn't get to lecture you. Draw a boundary and let him know if he starts a lecture that your relationship is over and it's not appropriate for him to lecture you, it's your life and not his business. If he continues then state "if you continue to talk to me about this, I will leave the room" and then walk away if he carries on. He has had an affair, the fact he thinks he can lecture you on a situation that you agreed between you at the time is beyond ridiculous!

It might also help you to read "the script" just to realise that many of us have been in the same boat. There's a good thread here: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5169069-the-script-what-would-you-add

Sorry everyone, he moved into a flat in January but he often comes to the house to see DD. He is hardly at his new flat because he is either house sitting in London or comes here to visit.

You should have never left yourself financially vulnerable to this prick, you could be getting a tattoo right now and riding a motorbike with some hot dude while celebrating single life, instead you're lamenting about your ex who has obvs moved on. you should be doing the same and living your best life. Lawyer up and suck him dry would be my first option then get in the career path again.

They met last year, you broke up last year, but they have only been dating 5 weeks and he felt the need to tell you this soon..? What a crock of shit. He was cheating on you. He is a user.

You can't prevent him from introducing his gf unfortunately.

Please stop letting the fear of him going on at you stop you saying things. Grey rock. Be perfunctory, do what must be done for your daughter. Get yourself sorted for wrap around care and a job. Stop letting him think you're this shadow of a person and start living.

It’s easy to be ambitious and have self esteem when someone else is taking care of your child and everything at home.

Your child is only 5, not 15.

I’m sorry this is happening to you.

Do you officially own half of the business? Do you take a salary/dividends from it.

Suggest 50:50 to him even if you don’t want it. That will buck his ideas up.

Stop letting him come to visit.

if he wants to see DD, he collects her and takes her to his flat.

This is very ADHD, he's got all focused in one area of his life but he's still got ADHD and he's gone off seeing excitement and novelty. Plus he's thinking he's now God's gift of productivity and can lecture everyone.

Seriously, ignore the BS, come up with your own plan and carry on, let him blow out with new gf, who will soon be less shiny.

I have ADHD and it's interesting watching how men handle ADHD to women, so often just get ground down...

So what if it’s “not easy”?? That’s no excuse to milk the breadwinner forever. Millions of women with children earn fulltime wages.

OP there's something weird going on on this thread. I guess by describing yourself as 'lady of leisure' you rubbed some people the wrong way/you appear to be admitting some sort of culpability. The 'cocklodger' comparison is bizarrely inappropriate.

In fact, you co-own the business, but he encouraged you to stay out of running it when it suited him, and is now using the consequences against you. You've done nothing wrong. Ambition, my arse. He's proud of his ambition to do what, exactly? Would he consider you shagging around a valid expression of your ambition?

I'm sorry OP, your husband is a complete and utter prick. My father did something similar to my mother by expecting her to be a housewife (this was the 70s) and then complaining that she wasn't interesting or sexually adventurous enough. He'd lecture her and her family on her shortcomings.

Stop listening to his lectures, starting now. He is a selfish, self-righteous, manipulative, opportunistic, dishonest, cynical prick. That he thinks it is OK for him to confront his daughter with his current shag is outrageous (again, speaking as someone who grew up with a sexually incontinent father - your daughter won't know what the hell to make of that woman).

It's awful finding that you trusted the wrong person, but it happens. I wish you all the best for reestablishing your independence and keeping your daughter safe.