DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

Get legal advice and tell them about the affair (new girlfriend) as you are still legally married that is infidelity.

ADHD medication saved my life. And it did not turn me into a selfish arse.

It allows me to work, be physically healthy, have the (mental) resources to be a caring partner, friend, daughter and soon hopefully mother.

I am however against women “fixing” losers that don’t have their shit together.

This man wouldn't even be where he is now if you hadn't been there to sort him out with his ADHD at the beginning, holding conversations, keys and so on. Now that he is on medication it has changed him and he is now belittling you and calling you for no ambition. Take control of your life and apply in the meantime for CMS, UC, or find a job and have your own money. He is relishing the fact that is now in control of his life and he can control yours maliciously.
You won't like it if you do 50/50 with your child and the dog but he won't want to do it anyway - but force it on him. Finally just don't do anything for him - don't do his laundry, collect his prescriptions, in fact anything that makes his life easy.

Literally no one would say that unless they couldn't read. The child is five. He left her six months ago.

How much time has she been a lady of leisure? And please where are these term time/school hours only that would save him five or six hours of childcare a day that she's doing as a "lady of leisure".

This is two totally separate issues:

Splitting up because of your ambition: perfectly reasonable, my parents split up for the sane reason. When they got together they were young and similar ambition then my mum had a baby and has never worked a day since. He was a perfectly good and engaged dad but just got really bored of my mum having nothing in her life apart from kids, particularly when I went to school and she was just faffing around in the house all day. I'm definitely my father's daughter - I could also never be in a relationship with someone who doesn't work.

The girlfriend: you've split up so there's no reason why he can't meet someone but I agree it is too soon to intro her to your little one. That is unreasonable.

He is a twat.

Take him to the cleaners. Make a financially secure future for your daughter and get some therapy to give her a mother who can co parent with a pillock.

Just to say he sounds like an idiot and your self esteem and life will soar when you’ve divorced this man. He sounds immature, selfish and somewhat delusional about his own greatness. This is not on you, but on him. It must be very painful for you right now but better things lie ahead. Take things day by day. Know that you are worth much more than this man. You sound like a lovely woman who has the ability and knowledge to set up her own business and is trying to put her daughter first. You have a mumsnet army behind you and life ahead will be much so much happier in time. Best wishes.

The great thing about being separated is that you don't need to listen to him moaning any more. Every time he starts, just say "Sorry, things to do, bye" and walk out.

Well, someone's been drinking the Kool-Aid. With that kind of nonsense, I'd be glad he had fucked off somewhere else.

what are his living arrangements now? Ask him when he's going to start taking DD 50-50.

Whether that's something that happens or not is another thing, but push him into thinking about it. He doesn't get to tell you that you need to be more ambitious and independent and prat around just being a Disney dad.. he's just responsible for her as you are.

Does DD even realise that this is permanent and that he's not just away working or whatever?

He encouraged you to be a Sahm, and then attacked you for that very reason and made it the entire reason he doesn't want to be with you. I bet a lot of your low self esteem issues are because of him and you will blossom without him putting you down.

I do hope you're going to make sure that you take all the contact details from the old business? After all, if you take your former clients, your ex can hardly complain, you're just being ambitious like he said you should be.

Out of interest, what is the business OP? I’m curious that you can set a second up with no capital to invest.

The problem here is would dh be outside the school gates at 9am to do drop offs or at 2.30pm to do his share of the school run or would he pay for wraparound care so his wife could go back to work and probably earn not much more (wraparound care when I did the school run 10 years ago (outer London suburbs and it’s probably a lot more now) was £5.50 per hour per child. Drop off 7am pick up 7pm meant £33 per day

Then there is holiday cover (could quite easily be another £350-£450 per week and you are looking at least £10k+ of net pay on childcare just for one child. Add in the cost of a cleaner and everything else that has to be done because parents are so knackered after spending 3 hours per day stood up sandwiched on a tube or train, a full day of work and Lady of Leisure starts to sound like a financially sound way to go.

Whilst this might be a joint expense, if the overall net income is only a few pounds more or in some cases a negative number, is it worth it.

This.

You need legal advice. You own a business together and that means half of it is yours (depending on set up )
Do not sign anything he puts in front of you.

Business needs sorting.
House and other finances too.
Child maintenance application by you will probably get him thinking 50:50 is a good idea.

Work on your own business.

What an arsehole. I'm sure you will look back on this and be thankful but right now you need to take some decisive action. I would be coming down hard on his lectures and telling him in no uncertain terms that the opportunity to give you life advice is now over and to STFU!! If you plan on building a business from scratch then you really need to be doing this in your spare time - you need income and you need it fast. Get yourself a job - any job - check out any benefits you are entitled to and make damn sure you've got a record of DH's finances as it sounds like he's going to play hard ball.

And for goodness sake don't walk away from the business if it's doing so well & you own half! I don't know if you can lodge anything formal to ensure he doesn't falsify papers signing your share away - wouldn't be surprised once he realises what he's got to lose. Get yourself a solicitor fast and submit an application to CMS.

I've seen this set up quite a few times, it's quite unnerving how often it seems to happen.
Man meets a woman, plays the poor me...I can't do this without your help sort of victim mentality. The woman then mothers him, taking all other responsibilities off his plate like housework and life admin. Often takes a career break, doesn't want to focus on any of their dreams yet. Even finds jobs for them and cheer leads the man's life. Sometimes the man can't even entertain that the woman has needs also like being married etc. The carrot the man dangles seems to be, we're going to have a big house, you don't have to work dear, I'll pay your pension, look at how our mums and dad's did it and it worked out great for them.
Just when the woman's youth is going or they don't have any financial security net, starts to trust that it's all worked out well or they rely on the man completely the tables are turned.
He calls her names and belittles her and then he goes off to get a younger more independent model and blames everything on the x.
I guess one thing we could take away from this is that our children are watching. Your DD is watching and needs provisions in place to prevent her from repeating this. You could say that to him, we need to save for when a man does this to DD. How are we going to teach her what to look for in manipulative men?

Even if he was fine with you not working at the beginning his head will have been turned by others especially women he works with who will wind him up by slagging you off and calling you lazy whilst praising him for working so hard and being the bread winner.

Women are awful for this if they are working and are resentful of beamy they see as a housewife who is leading a life of leisure because they just think you swan around all day having your nails and hair done and going out for lunch every day and then looking wonderful when you greet your husband home from work.

They forget you're doing all of the housework, life admin and organising the life of your child.

He will have his girlfriend and others slaying you and building him up until he fully believed it himself and dumped you.

Show him how very ambitious an ill treated woman can be.

Find out your rights, secure the paperwork, see a solicitor, do not believe a word he says.

I've read too many accounts here from women abused by scornful men. There are many here who've been there and will guide you.

Take him down.

@DreamySloth make sure you get what you’re entitled to.

I don't think you became a lady of leisure. I think you took a bit of a rest after years of picking up after your DH. Now you've rested though, time to work hard.
He will likely discard your DD as he has done you. Might even leave the Gf if she's not massaging his ego.
The business is something you worked hard in. You didn't just 'do a bit of admin' you held everything together whilst he was building the business. It's in your name and his?
So it's how you're going to put food on the table for DD.
It's also not him paying all the bills. That's a joint business. You need to contact solicitors to ensure you don't lose out when leaving the business. Take half of the business so you can spend it on your family; you and dd.

Shut down any lectures from him. He doesn't matter anymore.

Id suggest to him that a minimum of 6 months of dating would be an apporipate time to introduce gf to dd as you don't want her upset or annoyed at so many changes.

Thank you so much everyone. As asked, I take a salary and dividends from business so legally I'm the same as him. He asked for marriage certificates the other day so I assume he has started proceedings. Does that mean he has got a lawyer?

Probably. It’s perfectly possible that he’s been planning this for months.

but whether he already has a lawyer or doesn’t truly does not matter. What matters is that you need a lawyer.