DH has a new gf because I’m not ambitious enough

[DreamySloth]

My DH split up with me on Boxing Day. It was out of the blue and I was heartbroken.

He told me that he has outgrown me because he is now an ambitious businessman and I have low self esteem so I’m not a go getter.
When we met, DH had bad ADHD so struggled with work, holding a conversation, leaving keys in fridge sort of thing so I looked after him.
Three years ago he started adhd meds so is now super focused and successful in his business.
I am a SAHM to our 5 year old so do school runs, have to get to school at half 2 because parking is a nightmare, walk dog, house stuff etc. When she started school I guess I became a bit of a lady of leisure and had a nice relaxed day.
A few months before he ended it, he would come home late and keep his headphones on. Hardly interact with me and DD and say he was stressed with work. Totally avoided being around me.
Since we split, he has been house sitting somewhere in London so has been there 4 times a week - about 40 min train ride away. So has been socialising and living the London life.
He got a tattoo and new clothes, is going to take motorcycle lessons and I joked it was a mid life crisis.
He has now told me he has a new gf. Dating for about 5 weeks but met last year.
He wants new gf to meet DD but I said it was too soon and he only sees DD twice a week so why waste one of times with gf as well. Surely he should want as much one on one as possible?
AIBU?
As always, I am wrong, unreasonable and emotionally immature in his eyes. He is paying for everything still atm so his way goes.

You own and are entitled to half if the business. You need to start earning so you can engage a decent solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

He is a full on idiot.
I think he definitively was testing the waters with this woman before separating.
The ambition thing is just an excuse he is using to try and justify himself. If you had decided as a couple for you to be a SAHM, then he makes zero sense. And if you needed more money, then he could have had a convo with you.
Put your energy on the starting business. Get a solicitor. Make sure you get everything you can for yourself and your DD.
A much better life is out there! Just waiting for you to shine.
Yes, he paid for everything, but he was clearly a drag on your life with his issues, which you took care of. Take the same care of yourself and you will be successful quickly.

A0nd you are 100% right to keep introductions to your DD to long term partners. Too early and messy.

I’m sorry you’re going through this - absolute nightmare.

I think first of all you need to ask ‘what do I want?’ The whole conversation seems to be based around what he wants. So OP, what do YOU want?

Is he living away part of the week while you parent your child and then coming home when he feels like it? What’s your housing situation? Do you own, is your name on the deeds etc?

Get some good advice. Find out what your financial position is, what benefits you’d be entitled to if you formally split up. You might be hoping for a reconciliation (which is your prerogative if so) but you’ll probably feel loads better if you have a plan.

If he’s coming and going as he pleases, this won’t get any better. You’ll need to create a disruption in this cozy world he’s created for himself, by creating boundaries for yourself. Try and get some legal advice (call CAB as a starting point) and do what you can to create a separation between you.

God he sounds like an insufferable wanker. Being away from that will be so much better for you in the long run. Your self esteem will be boosted by the new business and providing for yourself. Good luck

Agree with @rubyslippers I would bet good money if not in 12 months, def by 2 years you will look back and be GLAD this happened.
It may not feel like it but its true.

Also as @rubyslippers points out the timing says everything about what a twat he is.
Who does that? At Christmas? With a 5 yr old child in prime Christmas magic territory??
Would his dick have turned blue and fallen off if he just put and shut until mid jan??? Such a jerk

I just cant believe someone he did that was ever a great husband and father.

Yeah I fully get that he can do what he likes. My issue is if he sees her twice a week then why ‘waste’ one of those times with the new gf as well?! But yes, I should focus on me instead :)
At the minute he is running to London at every opportunity to see gf I guess so no plans to increase DD time.
If I say anything, it would be lecture time.

He even knows that I love Christmas!! I am a full on kid at Christmas.
I will have a better one this year as long as I can stop him moaning at me.

Yes, he has totally dragged you down mentally whilst letting you do the day to day slog of childcare and supporting him whilst he got on his feet. If you can get some counselling to build up your self-esteem, I would, but at the very least, I would only interact with him as regards practical topics to do with DD. I would also get some legal advice about your financial position and separation so that you can start to build a new life away from this man. You deserve this.

The contact with DD is a bit of a side issue. I agree with you that it is too early to introduce a ‘new’ GF, but equally, it is on his time so it’s his choice. Your focus needs to be on you and DD’s future.

Just shut down the lectures. Tell him you are no longer together so he has no right or need to talk to you about anything other than DD. Mute notifications and only check before he sees Dd. Just close it down.
(I know this is easier said than done, but the first step is believing that you have a right to do this!)

Specifically on the meeting gf issue, I got divorced in the US and had to do a compulsory post-divorce parenting course as part of it. It said that DC shouldn’t meet a new partner until EX has been dating them for at least a year.

I think you are being mentally abused by him.
Be very careful he doesn't screw you out of what you are entitled to.

Contact Women's aid for advice and support.
Do not allow him to decide what you are entitled to.
Protect yourself.
Next time he tries to lecture you, ask him how would he be without his pills?
Twat.

Keep up with that business. You are entitled to 50%. You shouldn't need to rebuild it is already yours. So yes if that is where his money is coming from then he is not paying or everything - your shared business is!

He is paying for everything still atm

but he won’t want to do this forever! You need to file for divorce and get a signed and sealed financial settlement asap, while he is still feeling guilty and/or generous.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies

Gather all financial documentation and see an experienced family solicitor.

be aware that self-employed men and ‘businessmen’ often find it easy to minimize and hide their earnings.

The only issue is if I stay in the business then I have to talk to him more. Which is such a drain because he is always right and I’m always wrong.

A cocklodger is a man who moves in with a woman purely for an easy ride. Very different to having someone's child and becoming a stay at home mum.

Op I think you're well rid and if you find a way to make your own money you'll feel better and more secure without him.

This. I was also you but nearly 30 years ago. My husband was 30. The shiny new girlfriend was 17. You need a job and a divorce. He is an absolute prick but it isn't new. Men have been being prices forever

He is an utter prick, but I will never understand why women make themselves vulnerable in this way, of course he wanted you to be a SAHM it meant he didn't have to take any responsibility for his child or home and he now has a business to walk away with and you're left scrambling. You see it over and over again on here.

If DH walked away from me and ds tomorrow financially I'd be absolutely fine, in fact I'd be in a better position than he would. I grew up poor and learnt quickly that life is hard, you work hard and look after yourself, if anyone else comes along for the ride lovely, but you need to be able to do it on your own. Even when I was young I saw so many women stay in shit relationships with awful men because they couldn't afford not to. It was always the women going part time in flexible jobs earning a pittance, or giving up work entirely, to be around for the kids, while Billy big bollocks did what he liked and expected his dinner on the table because he threw a wad of cash on the table on a Friday.

He didn't have any affair because you are not ambitious. He had an affair because he's a dickhead. He could have had a supportive conversation with you, strategising how you could get back to work and highlighting your strengths, but instead he chose to undermine your confidence in every way.

BTW if you own his business 50:50 you need to speak to a solicitor, that gives you strong bargaining power financially.

His ADHD is probably the reason why he is being so impulsive and cold now. It’s like a switch has been flicked in his brain, first he switched to ‘business man’ identity then ‘pulled down by unambitious wife’ identity now it’s ‘London man about town’. This will become very wearing for your DD, dad having a new identity every five seconds.
You need to be the consistent person for her, because he won’t be. Not because he has ADHD but because he has a fragile sense of self hence why he needs to keep changing his identity and expecting the world to adapt to his new self too.
Speak to citizens advice and get a solicitor ASAP

Remind him of the time before he started taking medication for his ADHD when he needed your help and support, which you willingly gave.

Tell him that he can fuck off with his self-righteous lectures as you are no longer required to listen to his self-important bullshit. Try and find your anger, seek legal advice and start taking the initiative in divorcing your horrible DH.

So he started an affair last year and has been feeding you ‘the script’ to bash your self esteem and to try and remove blame from his sorry self . It’s a tale as old as time. What a shit . Don’t listen to his bullshit. He had an affair and abandoned his wife and children. End of, simple as that. Make sure you get your fair share of assets etc . Look after yourself as he is no longer your friend .

Ah another manchild who has no idea how much responsibility his wife takes for child-rearing. Sorry, OP. Have you people on your side you can talk to? Think you need to quietly take some legal advice - gloves off. No doubt he underestimates you but you can do this.

Wait hang on, you own 50% of his business???

Talk to a solicitor!!

But did they discus it and agree to it? That's the most important point.

I've seen several threads in here where a couple were married, the man lost his job for whatever reason or the wife earned more and they'd agreed he would become the SAHP and the wife worked.

When she became resentful that he was having a 'nice relaxing day' whilst she was working he was called lazy and a cocklodger and she was told to get rid.

By the OP's own admission, she became a lady of leisure and enjoyed relaxing days. I think many people would become resentful at funding another adult to do that when they were in a stressful job.

I certainly would.

It's only ridiculous if you beleive women have a fundamental right to opt out of financially contributing to a household rather than it being a joint decision.

He sounds insufferable. Count your blessings.