Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

Shudder

sounds awful

and yes i know you’re learning but yet another mumsnetter reliant on her partner to get anywhere!!

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

reread your own op

it’s a catalogue of “faults”!!

No, my DH is a fully functioning adult. Yours sounds like he should not have had children.

Does he treat people this way at work when things go wrong? I bet he’s able to handle it like an adult then.

I can see it from both sides.

It must be extremely frustrating to be the only driver in a household and then have to interrupt your working day to do the driving when the other parent is not even working.
Could you not have booked a taxi to the GP?

But I don’t think you should be the only one interrupting your work when it falls on both your working days. Doesn’t mean to say if should always be 50:50 - one persons work maybe more conducive to flexible working or more supportive of time off for parental purposes.

This is his mood only when something goes off piste. The other 98% of the time he’s absolutely fine. But it’s like 1 thing trips him.

Before anyone jumps on the neurodivergent bandwagon (like "has your DH been tested for autism/ADHD?" Which seems to be the go to for shitty behaviour)....my DH has ASD and plans everything meticulously, to the point he syncs up our calendars to stop this kind of shit from happening.

I'm afraid you have a man child who can't communicate well.
They are his children too I assume?

I think you needed to discuss what the plan was after he dropped you and you not he should have assumed where the toddler was going. As you say NEITHER of you can read minds so it’s on both of you.

but his reaction isn’t ok. You need to talk to him when he’s calm about the passive aggressive muttering and swearing.

This is why people need to go back to the office.

at the end of the day he think he and his time is more important than yours

I think if you're off and he's working, you should have got a taxi and yes, taken ds. This wasn't a 2 person job and if you needed him because you couldn't manage it then you don't sound v capable in an emergency either.

Though I actually wouldn't even class this as an emergency.

A doctor's appointment is not what I would class as an emergency. But, your husband gets nasty and sulky if you ask him to help you take your shared child to the doctor. That's being an asshole. The littlest life disturbances turn him into an asshole. I'd hate to see him in a real emergency.

You've got a manbaby on your hands and he's unlikely to change. Get your driver's license ASAP because he's an unreliable, nasty partner. Build a support system because he ain't it.

Reread own op - it’s way more than that!

and life goes “off piste” quite a lot

and this was hardly a big “off piste” event

Do you work?

This is your family’s version of an emergency?

I would totally ignore him in these stressful situations he’s proved you can’t relay on him any way. Just sort your children and yourself out, order a taxi and get on with it. Before working from home came about my DH would have been in work so wouldn’t have been able to help. You’ve enough to do with the children without worrying about him.

He sounds really grumpy but to be fair, if I asked DH for a lift, I would mean a lift there and drop me off. Not take me, wait for me and take me back home.

In fact, as I read your OP, that’s what I assumed you meant.

When this crisis passes, tell him you and he need to sit down together and talk.

Topics to include -
Fair division of parenting roles, including taking turns to deal with sick calls from school.
Calendar sharing. This is really easy.
The expectation of flexibility and excellent communication when things go askew.
The expectation that divergences from plans will be handled without cursing, swearing, or other displays of impatience or temper.

You're dealing with a man who seems to have got the idea into his head that despite being a husband and father, he can indulge in tunnel vision and devote all his attention to his paid work, while you are expected to be available to handle all of the ups and downs involving the children despite having your own job that comes with the expectation that youll be there to do your work.
All of this should be discussed, as a matter of urgency, in marriage counseling.

Why not just get a taxi back ? He is in work time after all ??

I am not sure I'd call this him being bad in an emergency. He's cranky and rude and, assuming that you ALWAYS have to drop everything to sort out kids that are sick etc, yes, that is not okay. BUT, in this instance, I think I'd have been annoyed too. If I was working, and DH was not working I think I'd expect him to sort out a lift to the doctor. I absolutely would expect that if he DID ask me for a lift, it would just be a lift and not me then looking after the toddler for 30 minutes while you were in the doctor and if he did want me to look after the toddler, I'd expect him to tell me that.

You say you can't read his mind - he can't read yours. You are on a non working day which means that you are responsible for stuff at home. Any hel you want needs to be explicitly stated.

Obviously, if he never helps. if he'd behave this way even if it was his non working day and you were working, that's a different story.

He should have got involved with the arrangements. He could have dropped you early. Had the meeting, then pick you up, or taxi home. He has a sick child, it interrupts the day. When you are both calm you need to talk about better communication.

Oh behave.
It's something that needs a doctor's appointment and is out of the ordinary for the day.
OP didn't mean anything else.

Does this only happen when his work is interrupted- perhaps he has stress ? Sounds a bit like burnout

Why? There is a parent who is not working that can take the child to the GP. Both parents do not need to go, esp if one is working. Organise a taxi both ways.

That sounds super annoying. I get it as while it’s not this thing my OH also does stuff that irritates me immensely and is objectively unreasonable but only occasionally and I do accept he’s not actively trying to annoy me.
With the specific issue today it sounds like the communication wasn’t the best all round as you were not 100% clear what you needed and he failed miserably to recognise that ill child + need for lift meant both ways. It feels like what you needed was to have a short discussion that went - ok issue is only appointment is Xpm, daughter can’t manage walk there/back as poorly and it’s not ideal to take youngest with us. What are our options? The answer is basically he takes daughter to appointment OR he drives you all and cares for son in car while you go to appointment OR he watches son at home while you get taxi to appointment. If you have that discussion it’s clear he needs to be available for that 30-60 minutes to help out and he needs to cancel his work call.
On the communication front we have a shared calendar. If it’s not in there as one of us forgot then it’s not officially happening and if it clashes with something else that’s booked later but added to calendar then that’s basically tough. It works well for us and means we can always see what’s going on. Obviously doesn’t help with late changes to plans due to unforeseen circumstances & ultimately however irritated he is it’s not your fault and he shouldn’t be swearing and muttering away with complaints. I get it might happen sometimes as we are all human but if it’s common he needs to find a better and more adult way to express his irritation.

That’s not an emergency is it?