Anyone else’s DH like this? Sick of it

[Nunaluna]

DH is ok most of the time. Works hard, does his fair share at home etc never abusive and happily takes kids so I can do things.

But in an ‘emergency’ - any emergency - he completely goes to pieces and becomes angry, flustered, selfish and frankly a third child for me to deal with. I end up having to be the one to stay calm and ‘parent’ everyone while he snipes at me from the sidelines. It’s getting unbearable.

For example DD is off school today unwell and has a GP appt. It’s my NWD so I’m looking after DD as well as a hyperactive 2 year old DS. DD has a GP appointment this afternoon (booked at last minute. No choice over times).

I can’t drive (I’m learning before anyone starts), and the GP surgery is 1 mile away and up a large hill. DD is too unwell to walk this especially as it’s very hot today. I asked if he could give us a lift, to which he agreed.

First of all I have to remind him 3 times to log off and get ready to leave, while snaps back ‘YES YES YES’. He then gets very flustered leaving the house and starts swearing under his breath as we are running late (because he didn’t log off on time). He then drops us off, starts to get DS out of the car and his buggy, and I ask what he’s doing. Turns out he thought I was taking both into the GP with me then walking them home - when it’s completely bloody clear DD is not up to walking, hence needing the lift in the first place.

He then says he has to log on for a meeting in 10 minutes (one he never mentioned to me) and starts ranting in the car park and swearing under his breath again. He throws the buggy in the back of the car and zooms off, muttering the entire time that he’ll have to reorganise the meeting etc

It’s just 1 example but every time our routine goes slightly off piste, or the kids are ill, the implication is I will seamlessly deal with it by interrupting my own work and life while his remains the same. And that if I make him go out of his way, it’s deeply unfair, and he just seems to lose his cool completely.

I’m sick of it. He just seems to think it’s his right to exert all of his frustrations onto me, like I’m some kind of sounding board for his stresses. All the while I’m having to run the show and keep cool when tbh I want to rant and swear myself. He just seems unable to deal with any kind of adversity without acting like some kind of tyrant, and frankly a third child that needs extra parenting and placating rather than a team mate.

His communication is dire, he seems to think I can read his mind as to finer details of any plans, what his work calendar is like etc and I’ve said time and time again SAY THINGS EXPLICITLY. Tell me you have a meeting and what time, and in advance. He springs these things on me constantly.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

Sorry to be that person but… ADHD?

I bet that was cathartic to write! Yea it’s bloody exhausting and adds another stressful dimension to an already stressful situation. Managing their outburst while keeping control and searching for a solution gets very draining. They’re fine however as they’ve released all their stress onto you.

No, is this even an adhd symptom?

If this was the other way round you’d be told to let him struggle and sort it as he’s off work and you are working.

also that wfh doesn’t mean free to do lots of things, work is important and he shouldn’t interrupt you

Op taxis will pick you up for a short journey they just charge a minimum fee and no they won't wait for you to have your appointment you just ring them to collect you after and pay the min fee again. I think your husband has been rude but if he's working and it's caused him to miss his meeting I can see why he'd be annoyed. If he was In the office he wouldn't be able to swan off, working at home should be the same. I'm sure single mums have these issues to contend with and have to get on with it. I think you need to have some conversations about your communication and planning.

This isn’t a LTB situation, it’s his only fault really. Anyone else the same?

to be fair, its a pretty big fault. The question is, what are you prepared to do about it? He is not going to change on his own - and why would he change? Its working for him.

My husband is like this over every minor little thing. It’s very stressful.

I doubt very much he has ADHD given OP has said this is 5% of the time and his only fault.

It's a symptom of autism.
Unquestionably.

Not being able to cope with changes of plan is classic autism. Also your husband's extreme response.

My DS is convinced that XH has an Autism Spectrum Disorder partly because of how difficult & stressful he found it to manage any change or disruption to his expected routine or plans.

He HAD to spend 20 minutes every evening when he got home from work doing his job for the day - could be cutting his toenails, changing his bed (we slept separately, but that's another story & the main reason I left him). He had a task to complete allocated every day of the week & it was non-negotiable to the extent that he would start shouting & getting very upset if I suggested that he lay the table, help DS with a homework problem or something to help out the family so that I could get on with preparing the meal, lunches for the next day etc & do 'his' stuff after dinner.

My ex was exactly like this and I left him. Didn't leave him soon enough tbh. He behaved and still behaves like a spoilt brat. Great if it's all going his way. Absolute nightmare if he's asked to put himself out even in the slightest or something doesn't suit. The relief when I realised I didn't have to pussy foot around him anymore was just amazing.

My husband can be a wee but like this and my friends wife is also like this - we empathise with each other!

Some people are fine with plans that abruptly change and some struggle with it. I don’t think he’s necessarily a prick who thinks his time is more important than yours - he sounds like he’s just not very comfortable with changing plans being chucked at him.

Which is v annoying but he is who he is.

Yes, not anticipating that you might need a lift back also is a symptom. People with adhd often wonder why others around them are bewildered when they don’t automatically know what is expected of them.

While his mega strop is completely unacceptable the lack of communication & organisation here is also an issue. If your dd is young enough to have gone in the buggy (but I think older than your ds?) could you not have popped her on your shoulders whilst ds went in the buggy (& remained strapped in not to distract at the appointment)? A cheap buggy board for emergencies would be a good idea.

It’s not the changes. He’s fine on holiday, enjoys days out, trips, seeing friends, when he’s not working he’s very flexible and we do things spontaneously.

He’s just very stressy when things go ‘wrong’

She’s 6 and I’m very slight. Putting her on my shoulders and pushing a buggy up a hill in the heat with the diabetes would be a recipe for disaster! (Type 1s will know!)

If he had to take you there and back why didn't you just ask him to take her to save the stress of all four of you going? He sounds pretty stressed and you sound like you expect him to know what you are thinking. He could be a complete dick or he could be someone who is stressed and trying to work but keeps being interrupted and isn't handling it very well. You could be completely valid or you could be quite needy and expecting him to drop everything and help you whenever it suits you. We can't really tell OP.

As long as holidays, trips out, seeing friends etc go EXACTLY as planned

they rarely do
especially with young children

you have done some seriously convincing of yourself that this is his only problem op

You both need to communicate more clearly.

You both made incorrect assumptions and expected the other person to read your mind. You thought he ‘knew' that he had to wait and drive you back, he thought you only wanted a lift there. He was working so you needed to be specific and check he had the time to do that. Anyway as you are learning to drive that is one issue you will no longer have.

You should have booked a taxi. He was at work.

Oh and pay the driving thing no mind. I don’t drive, and I don’t think i ever will. I manage perfectly well without it, but I have a DH who understands that and drives. As do you.

Ok but then HE should have said he can’t do that. And ask the OP if she could maybe take a taxi instead?

The OP isn’t a mind reader.
He should be able to say No if it’s not possible rather than saying yes but guess he meant No.

What did the doctor say was wrong with DD? Did they give her a prescription?

If you're not going to leave him, then you need to find a way to work around this character flaw, that realistically isn't going to change. This will probably mean letting go of your resentment and accepting he has this fault and that if life is to proceed smoothly, you will have to compensate for it. So, taking today's example, as soon as you knew the appointment time, be crystal clear what his contribution needs to be and get his assurance he is able to do what's required. If he starts to fuss, then I'd be looking for other options such as a taxi. Obviously this is not going to feel fair on you, but people don't tend to change if they are like this, and you are clear you want to stay with him, so I'm not sure what else you can do.

That's unfair. He agreed to the lift. If he'd said he had a meeting and couldn't bring her back, she could have arranged a taxi or other alternative.